Excited about dating but also nervous and kinda scared...any tips?

butchc13901 · 2021-05-16T14:05:10+00:00

Good luck. I've (M51) contemplated dating but the large gut resulting from stress eating and drinking through a dead marriage and long divorce have me convinced I wouldn't do very well.

WartimeDad · 2021-05-16T16:44:57+00:00

Oh yeah they will definitely try to trick you into a LTR. Especially the ones that are really hot and you vibe with. Just have fun and go at YOUR pace. Keep your guard up and you’ll be fine.

The current dating scene is so weird, but it’s also good times. There are some really weird people out there that can’t wait to fuck you hahaha.

iamnobodybut · 2021-05-17T03:53:56+00:00

One advice. Do not play Tupac on your first date.

47omek · 2021-05-17T04:34:08+00:00

Get a vasectomy.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-05-16T14:17:13+00:00

This is the best advice I've come across about dating after divorce. Hope you find it useful: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=81647

derelictherds · 2021-05-16T17:46:26+00:00

Be honest about what you want and stick to your guns. Some women will try to lock you down quick and will constantly try to force themselves into your life. I usually give em a warning or two before cutting them completely out of my life. Also don't marry the first one who gives a good bj lol.

jimsmythee · 2021-05-16T22:49:05+00:00

I had a few false starts in the dating world when I was newly separated from my now exwife.

I let it be known to family and friends and coworkers that I was looking to date. But guess what? Nothing came of it. So I stuck with dating apps.

One problem? I tend to talk too much about how horrible my exwife is.

I did eventually get remarried and have been happily remarried for the past 2.5 years.

BlackmesaTBX · 2021-05-16T23:11:09+00:00

Congratulations! Hopefully I can help kickstart with my learnings..

What I did after I left my 22 year marriage (my choice too, same deal) - become a student of human interaction and use dating as a way to learn more about yourself rather with the pressure to find a mate. Dating is about discovery. So learn what your boundaries are, where you’re willing to stretch, and just have fun. Therapy is a good investment at this stage even if you’re not sad/depressed because talk therapy can help you work out aspects of yourself that subconsciously attract people and situations in your life. Try younger women, different races or backgrounds, taller, shorter, etc. and be prepared for things to be weird and illuminating your first dozen dates or so. My first few post divorce dates were disasters but I laughed, thanked them all, and added to my knowledge base.

This will give you the right thinking.

After that, commit to radical self-care and inward reflection. Understand how your relationship got to the divorce (and take responsibility, not blame or shame, for what’s yours). The gym, eating healthy, side businesses, hobbies, travel, massages, meditation, etc. all good things to get your mind right for you. Not someone else. This is crucial because we get “tricked” (which is the female biological imperative at play - if not aphrodisiac that’s kept our species alive) when we have the space and mentality to be bored, insecure, alone. Etc. Learn to be ok being alone. You’re the prize. No need to think with your other head. Society tells us different about marriage and partnerships, but they have an ulterior motives.

Then the actual tactic to solve the “what if I get tricked” - limit exposure. Never see the same woman more than twice a week, and never more than two days in a row. Especially for women you get along with or even end up with serious feelings for. This does two important things: this intensifies their desire for you because you’re clearly a man on a mission, with his own shit together, building an empire. You’re busy and very selective who you spend your precious time with. Some will be drawn to this, others will hate it. The latter can leave anytime. Hopefully you leave them better than you found them.

It also keeps women in the mental place that they deserve to be in your life - as a complement to your life, not the main course. This will sound cynical to most of society and counterintuitive to the newly freed man, but long term, “serious” (what a ridiculous concept) relationships serve no purpose when you think about them logically. And because you’ll be dating on a rotation, you’ll need to become the most integral, authentic, universally loving version of yourself - you never need to lie, cheat, or play games in this state. (I keep a don’t ask, don’t tell policy - but I never confirm nor deny that I date multiple women) You don’t make promises of devotion, monogamy, “forever love” - those aren’t real and are pressed for by either you or her out of fear and insecurity after “things get serious”. Don’t move in together, tread lightly if you go on vacations, only spend money and time you’re willing to lose (aka don’t see women as an investment when you pay for dates). You can love women short term, long term and anything in between. Never listen to the idiot brain or friend that says “but but you’ll die alone!!!” Sorry to be the one to break this news to the ego, but we all die alone. No one can take that trip with you.

So rejoice and congratulations!! You should be excited! Flirt with life. Smile. You are free.

tanotsurewhattodo12 · 2021-05-17T04:23:01+00:00

For me.. it's less about finding someone and more honestly about whether or not I would be good enough in bed. Crazy as that sounds.. if it gets that far.. I am freaked out I am not good enough, last long enough, etc. Dead bedroom for so long.. the occasional quickie over the past few years has left me feeling less than adequate and eventually if I go through divorce.. scared shitless I wont be able to find/please a woman again. Crazy I know.. seems like just the act of dating, etc.. should be scary.

soph_a_loaf_ · 2021-05-16T17:54:05+00:00

This is my motto

Gravitasimo · 2021-05-16T22:00:44+00:00

Just don't be in a hurry in regards to just about EVERYTHING. If her family likes you for who you are then just continue to be who you are around them. It's not so much abound endings as it is new beginnings. Just be patient with all that is going to be new to you. Set aside expectations too. Just be willing to "go with the flow" for a bit. I spent 30 years in a marriage and seems like so much is foreign so I'm learning to chill a bit and not have expectations for now.

Ok-Scallion-2508 · 2021-05-16T19:03:24+00:00

Long-term relationship is good but NEVER EVER NEVER EVER sign any docs about marriage or giving her anythings ! Your son is 19 yo then add him to be your beneficiary to all your assets .

DivorcedConfused · 2021-05-19T03:36:07+00:00

Stay off the apps at first. Go to social events via singles groups or dance classes. Our generation does better meeting in person. Local Facebook groups are great ways to meet women.

Title	Excited about dating but also nervous and kinda scared...any tips?
Author	HolNuMe74
Upvotes	3
Comments	32
Date	May 16, 2021 1:42 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ndolqq/excited_about_dating_but_also_nervous_and_kinda/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/excited-about-dating-but-also-nervous-and-kinda.816996 https://theredarchive.com/post/816996

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