Dread Game and Boundaries

sugarcrush · 2015-04-24T19:36:34+00:00

I am okay with some general catching up about life (ex- how are you, what's going on these days, seen any good movies lately, you know that sort of thing), but anything that could be described as flirting or "banter"? And on a daily basis? Oh HELL to the no. I don't care if he likes the attention. It's disrespectful and can cross into shady territory too quickly and easily. I would be even more not okay that he is getting defensive about it. I don't know how serious this relationship is, but I would be questioning it.

drugdoctor87 · 2015-04-24T18:59:52+00:00

I can only speak from the perspective of my relationship, but here it goes... My SO has limited time, since he is very busy with work and his manly hobbies. In his free time, he usually either spends it with me, his guy friends, or by himself. So in this regard, my SO's time is very valuable to him, and he spends it accordingly. I understand when he is out at the bar with his guy friends, he might serve as their wingman and end up talking with chicks. This does not bother me because his "time" is being spent in regards to hanging out with his buddies (he won't buy their drinks or anything). But if my SO went out of his way to specifically spend time with some other chick? Then I know something is up and I need to take a seriously look at our relationship (this has yet to happen after after almost 2 yrs tho !!)

Again, this might not be the case for everyone's SO- especially if they have an abundance of free time, then their time is less valuable and I wouldn't feel as threatened by the same action (again- each situation has many variables ).

valleycupcake · 2015-04-24T21:18:58+00:00

My SO worked with a married girl who was young, pretty, and naive. She could have been doing better with her life, and he tends to root for the underdog, so when things were slow at work, they would talk about life and stuff, and he would try to give her good advice. I was a little uncomfortable but took a "wait and see" approach.

Then he introduced me to her and encouraged me to talk to her because "she really needs a girl friend." He started inviting her to the gym with us because it would be good for her. I was more jealous for his time than anything else on this, but he pointed out that we don't really talk at the gym and that her reps could fit into our rest times, so it didn't affect anything. I grew to like having her along. Finally, we became couple friends with her and her husband, until they moved away months later.

Although I didn't like the situation at the time, once I got to know the girl I could see why he thought she had some easily solved problems that he could advise her on. He didn't call her outside of work and didn't do anything tangible to solve a problem, so I feel that he handled it well and stayed within the boundaries of the relationship. In this instance, I'm glad I did not jump to conclusions.

He did finally tell her he was in a relationship

Why did he wait at all? In your situation, I would not be okay with him leading a girl on who he knew was into him. Not an instant "next," but definitely a big concern to keep your eye on. Is there any other other indicator that he is unhappy, any reason for him to apply dread?

To answer your edit, coffee=OK (this goes for both of us); casual lunch=OK (for both of us); happy hour=iffy, but OK depending on if it's work-related or if it's a group outing; dinner=not OK without discussion and a good reason.

GrowingSlowly · 2015-04-24T19:48:39+00:00

For me, it is more a matter of if I trust the girl than if I trust my SO, since I completely trust him.

For example, a young woman had started working in the same location as my partner a few years ago. They were around the same age, so he decided to talk to her a bit since she seemed kind of shy and didn't really hang out with anyone at the job. Eventually he found out that she was in our part of town all by herself, so she could use a friend or two.

They took their lunch breaks at the same time and would often go out to lunch together. They would always pay for their own meals and everything. And sometimes I would even join them when I could, so I got to know her as well. I guess the point is that I knew I could trust him and his judgement of character, so I did not feel threatened or jealous.

I would probably feel a little less comfortable if they were going out to personal dinners and he was paying for everything, since that sounds more like a date than a get together of friends. And like you said, if he went to happy hour with a girl, I would be more jealous that I wasn't invited too.

rpwcaptain · 2015-04-24T23:59:43+00:00

If my husband's attention strays, I do my best to earn it back. It happens; there are natural ebbs and flows of attraction throughout the course of a relationship, and part of my job (as I see it) is to keep those little flutters from become a full blown change of course.

But this is not something that should be happening in the honeymoon phase. I see some issues with your SO's behavior that would give me pause at least:

He's careless with her feelings, and to some extent yours.
He likes the attention, which is often a sign of a deeper insecurity, and makes it unlikely he'll stop.

You know your SO better than anyone of course, but those two things popped out at me.

sovexing · 2015-05-03T13:44:46+00:00

Before meeting my husband I always dated down. I never had issues of jealousy or suspicion because I was better than the boy I was dating so anyone who came along was either way out of his league or I was better than she was, no contest.

It was a new experience dating someone who was my equal. Being married to him is different still.

I get jealous. I have moments of soul wrenching insecurity.

I think that it is inevitable that other women are going to find my man appealing. I find his suitable, why wouldn't someone else? He is charming, sociable, and attractive in all the conventional ways. Why on earth would I believe that just because he is committed to me, he suddenly wears a sign that says 'unavailable.' there are many immoral women out there that see a wedding band as a challenge, thus making him more desirable, not less. So, it's going to happen. He is going to be chased. More over, because he is who he is, he is going to enjoy that attention. He is a manager in a service industry dominated by young women, and to top it off, he is seven years my junior. So these girls, they are a decade younger and more. Plus there are the customers. Gotta be nice to them... And peers, and people higher up the corporate ladder. He's successful in what he does, and manages his people well because he keeps good relationships within it all. Inevitably there is going to be some tart who is sweet on him. He keeps me at a definite distance from work, because work and home are separate and he does not bring (much) work home. I'm pretty sure there is also the unstated reason of that inevitable tart. He wants to keep me away from that, and I appreciate it.

There are lines though. All communication between him and the women at work is about work. I don't go reading through his texts, but he's left his phone in my hands long enough that I don't feel like I have to. He's sent me into his work email to find information for him. He has skipped work related outings simply because he didn't feel like going out. If he were to go out with these girls for reasons outside work (a staff member is leaving and this is their goodbye party, for example) or carry on actual conversations outside of work, things like that, I would have a justifiable reason to question it. If this was further compounded by him keeping me away from these people entirely, I would have reason to request it stop.

If my husband went on a date with another woman, regardless of who paid, there would be blood. Period. You don't date when you are in a committed relationship. Period. The big Red flag for me would be exclusion of myself an others. If he excluded me, and excluded others, I don't care if it's coffee or a seven hundred dollar a plate supper. I would take issue with it. Going out for happy hour and snacks with a few people from work is fine, I encourage him doing this. If a few people dwindle down to just him and one other, I might get suspicious, but I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill unless it became a habit. That line is drawn around three or four instances of such things within a time frame I can recall clearly. (you did it last month, twice the month before, on the night that such and such happened at home - not you did it three months ago but I can't remember what I was doing!)

Yea, for me, it's the exclusion. Being excluded from the friendship would be the line. If he refused to include me in conversation or outings then I would have to ask that it end. Excepting work related stuff. Where I am excluded, which is where my current bouts of insecurity come from.

need_rp_advise · 2015-04-25T01:45:46+00:00

okay one serious question? Is she more attractive than you? Yes, then yes, your concern could be legitimate. No? then you are good, but keep your game stepped up anyway.

The thing is from what I know about guys ( it can differ) esp through my SO, is that, the most precious thing he can invest in a girl is his time. If he is spending more time with her ( for no reason) then you might have something to worry about. Guys dont think about "friendships" with a girl. We women think about friendships and platonic relationships. From a guy's perspective, there theoetically is no platonic friendship with a girl. I can bet my life with you on this, If he is spending any modicum of time on this girl, "theoretically" sex has crossed his mind. Its just their nature. Of course, he wont cheat, and of course he wont go ahead and ruin anything with you. Why? Because even though sex has crossed his mind, he would still analyse it that sex with you is better. But yes, In theory it just is true. Its hard to imagine for us how testosterone makes men think really. But here is the thing- There is nothing wrong with it. Thats just how guys are. Of course they have a thinking head on their shoulders, and they wont do anything to harm a good relationship. But in my case, if my SO goes out for a coffee with a woman alone and spends time talking etc, tbh, I would be alarmed, but probably wont say anything. Wait and watch approach. Game level on gear 5.

PursuingGrace · 2015-04-24T18:36:22+00:00

I don't know if I am much help on this, as I have a similar question as it pertains to exclusivity, in a RP type relationship. For me, personally, I think as long as I am aware of it, I don't see a problem with it. I don't get jealous about it in the sense that it is going to cause a problem for me with him. Even a dinner date. He is a hard worker, and he takes his responsibility to his family very seriously. If he wants to amuse himself with a female for a few hours, the only thing I think is that perhaps I need to step up my 'fun' game win regards to him. If that makes sense.

eatplaycrush · 2015-04-24T19:57:26+00:00

We established those rules before we decided to be in it for the long haul. It is unacceptable for both of us to do something like that for multiple reasons. If somehow this person could be a great asset to our goals then it would be discussed, but again this person would have to have something to offer.

We both get hit on often. That is life when you look great and aren't fat. We just do not take it any farther. My SO is very attracted to me, he does not want to spend his very little time taking any other women out besides me.

Title	Dread Game and Boundaries
Author	closetrpw
Upvotes	17
Comments	36
Date	April 24, 2015 6:15 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/33qksj/dread_game_and_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dread-game-and-boundaries.85341 https://theredarchive.com/post/85341

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