New SAHW seeking input

FleetingWish · 2015-05-19T18:47:43+00:00

It isn't Husband's job to pat me on the back on all those days and tell me I've met expectations and should be happy and guilt-free.

That is exactly your husband's job. It's his job to tell you what his expectations are of you, and if you are not living up to his expectations. It's also his job to tell you to stop when you are over working yourself.

If you feel guilty for not doing enough work all the time, your husband needs to instill in you the fact that your well-being is his top priority. Everything else is secondary. My captain has to come around sometimes to order me to go to bed, because getting enough sleep is one of my duties as well. It ensures that I am full of energy, that I don't make myself sick due to lack of sleep, that I keep my skin looking young as long as possible, etc. So if I don't get enough rest, I am failing my captain at several things I have to do, for him.

Understand that one of your duties to him is taking care of yourself. It should not make you feel guilty because it is just as important as your other duties, if not more important.

SuperSlavisWife · 2015-05-19T18:25:15+00:00

I'm a SAHW due to a combination of reasons, one of them being cyclothymia, so in a way I understand your struggles and hopefully my tricks will be applicable to your condition as well.

My tricks:

-Keeping lists of work, even scheduling it.

-A BORED? chart for when I need to fill empty spaces productively.

-Working things out day by day, you never know what you'll be able to do.

-Prioritizing things that need to be done by this evening or tomorrow.

-Rewarding myself for completing something that felt difficult, even if the other day it was very simple.

-Not beating myself up when I can't keep up with the schedule my manic self designed.

-Having a break when I'm certain it will improve productivity.

-Adding things to the list rather than doing them immediately. For example, if the bath needs cleaning, I don't immediately drop everything and get the bleach, I schedule it.

-Using Leechblocker on Firefox.

This way I am juggling two jobs, a home with a partner and cat, a garden, weightlifting, a blog and soon some more chickens, despite having days where I can barely drag myself out of bed and days where my attention span lasts around 15 minutes. Which reminds me, I'm procrastinating again...

It sounds simple when I write it out like that. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but if you want any more specific advice just PM me and I'll try and help.

tryanotherJuan · 2015-05-19T18:27:55+00:00

I would say check out the Fly Lady books. She has great strategies on getting lots done in little spurts of time and developing routines around the house.

One recommendation she offers is to give yourself a certain amount of focused time to tackle a project...like an hour to clean out your junk drawer. Stick to the time limit and stay focused on the task at hand. (Easier said than done...because I tend to ADD clean...look a dust bunny here...oh I need to sort that...now that reminds me to clean the baseboards.)

You may need to schedule in more rest and self care for yourself, but that's not something you should feel bad about. We all have strengths and limitations.

Don't forget to give yourself a little grace and celebrate the accomplishments you make every day.

Sexwithcoconuts · 2015-05-19T18:43:57+00:00

I am a stay at home mom of husband who works around 50 hours a week Monday-Friday, a two year old boy, and a 7 month old boy who is still exclusively breastfeeding. I MUST use a schedule type of thing for me to get anything done, otherwise time will leave me.

Cleaning: Since having a toddler and baby at home, I've changed my cleaning routine from 'super particular deep cleaning or I'll have a meltdown' to '15 minutes per room and I'm done because it looks okay'.

I make sure to do these four things every day. If I do this and nothing else, my house will still feel a bit clean and put together. Dishes. Clear kitchen countertops and table. Take the trash out. Sweep the kitchen

I rotate the 15 minute speed clean every day. Kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms, living room.

Set a timer for 15 minutes before you start. After the timer is set, do the list in order.

Kitchen: -grab all trash from counters and throw away -place all food and clean dishes in rightful place -round up all used cloths and rags and put into dirty clothes -load dishwasher -handwash remaining dishes -spray cleaner on counters, sink, stove, and wipe. -push all crumbs to floor -give sink a good scrub, don't forget the top of faucet -sweep floors

Bathrooms: -clear counter -spray and wipe mirrors -thoroughly spray sink, toilet, and shower -clean toilet bowl -wipe toilet, sink, shower -sweep

Bedrooms: -make bed -put away dirty clothes -put away clean clothes -clear side tables and dressers -vacuum

Living Room: -pick up floor -clear surfaces -dust -organize blankets and pillows -vacuum and sweep

For food I used to have a nice meal that I prepared for the past few hours ready for him when he got home. Since that is unrealistic now, I've adopted crockpot meals and freezer cooking. It's fantastic and you spend no time making dinner every night.

He comes home and eats either a sandwich or leftovers during lunch. For breakfast, he either grabs a granola bar and goes or makes himself a bagel, egg and bacon sandwich.

I do most of the yardwork on the weekends while my husband plays with the kids.

I hope what I provided helped in some way :)

Kittenkajira · 2015-05-20T17:24:44+00:00

As someone with an autoimmune disease, I have similar constraints and trials. Try making a don't-do list alongside your to-do list. The don't-do list is made up of those things that you want to do eventually, but just aren't a priority right now. The tasks that could be delegated or are insignificant to your goals should also go here. Add things that you want to do, but need some outside circumstance to be able to do (ex: I want to clean the toilet but need to buy vinegar to make more cleaner solution).

The to-do list will probably change daily, but the don't-do list can hang around for longer. If you get tempted to do something not on either list that isn't really important right now, then add it to the don't-do list.

If you wanted, you could even run the don't-do list by your husband from time to time to see if he thinks the things on it are worth your time and energy.

Sometimes I'll ask him to make my to-do list for the next day. He'll often add fun things, like one day last week he added masturbating to my list. Knowing that I'm doing precisely what he wants, even if it isn't as much as I usually aim to do seems to make me feel better about things.

sovexing · 2015-05-19T22:10:34+00:00

Everyone seems to be saying it but I'll chime in with support of a really effective idea.

Write it down!

Make yourself a list!

I sit with a cup of coffee and my planner every morning, I cross reference no monthly and weekly lists, which are remade every month and week, so I can see things crossed off on paper. Seeing it helps me feel progress. It takes me about twenty minutes, because I also spend a bit of time journaling, but it's well worth it.

I include in my daily planning making sure I take care of my own needs, because if I'm stressed or whatever, I'm not the wife with a smile on her face when Daddy walks through the door. In the beginning I was constantly setting my expectations too high. Spreading things out helps a lot and when you've gone through a whole monthly list twice, you realise it's not as much work as you think it is. Or at least I did. ;) the most time consuming chore I have is mopping the floors. Most of our place is wood laminate, and I move the furniture every time. It takes maybe two hours, start to finish, on a day where I'm not having it.

Don't let it overwhelm you. Set yourself realistic goals. And don't do more than one or two non-daily things in a day until you find yourself twiddling your thumbs for an hour or better. Add those bigger things (like reorganising cupboards) one at a time until you know what your limits are.

We set ourselves up for failure when our self expectation of performance is too high. Don't trap yourself like that.

wifeintraining · 2015-05-19T17:16:35+00:00

I'd like to address your last paragraph: I have Fibromyalgia and this is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes it seems like there's so much to do and I just want to give up. What helps me is being organized. I have an Excel spreadsheet of the things I need to do every day, things I must do weekly, and monthly chores. I try to spread out the BIG chores so that they don't pile on me at once: if that happens, I crash and nothing gets done. And the little chores, I try to organize as well. If I can sit down while doing a chore, I'll put that between ones where I'm walking about. I think the timer you're implementing is a wonderful idea too. Please be patient with yourself, but do your best within your limitations.

CisWhiteMaelstrom · 2015-05-19T17:50:30+00:00

Are you sleeping enough, eating right, and getting exercise? Failing to maintain basic health factors like that can kill motivation and productivity.

MentORPHEUS · 2015-05-19T17:50:55+00:00

I've always had a problem seeing the big picture, and focusing too much on some chores at the expense of others. I too can become overwhelmed into inactivity if I try to manage everything in my head.

Something that helps is to write a to-do list each day. Checking off items gives a sense of movement and accomplishment, and adding things that pop up during the day helps prioritize them in, rather than postponing the whole day's list every time they come up.

At the end of the day, focus on what you did and don't beat yourself up over what you didn't or couldn't. Either reprioritize the unfinished tasks for tomorrow's list, or reconsider their importance in the big picture rather than dwell on your failure to finish them in the face of all else.

This is assuming your own standards may be unrealistically high and you're working to reprioritize everything. If your husband is holding you to unrealistic standards, try to address this as a team, rather than bending under an unjust burden for the rest of time.

RPDame · 2015-05-19T18:42:33+00:00

I'm not a SAHW, but I too was reminded of Fly Lady. She's got a system for organizing and keeping things clutter free.

I'd say that you'd do well with a schedule. Maybe each day you have tasks to do (your bare minimum, plus cleaning the bathrooms on Wednesdays). You could add on one decluttering/organization task to each day, with the idea that if you can't get to it, then you can't. But having a list of those decluttering/organization projects will still be helpful, and you can tackle them when you have the time and the energy.

SouthernPetite · 2015-05-19T19:43:26+00:00

What I find works best is to have a clear schedule of what's supposed to be done, on what day, and in what order. It helped me get stuff done efficiently and without getting distracted, but prevented me from tiring myself out by trying to do everything in one day. The key is sticking to the schedule, unless there's something random that HAS to be done right away.

When I started I followed this schedule: http://stepford-sisters.blogspot.com/2012/09/schedule-for-50s-housewife.html . (Don't be intimidated by the number of items- a lot of them take 2 seconds) I rearranged some things to work better for my situation, such as starting a load of laundry first thing, and delaying taking a shower until I've eaten and worked out.

The first week or so will likely be fairly intense because you have a backlog of stuff to do, but after that, it's pretty much smooth sailing from there. Plus once you do the routine a few times it becomes second nature.

When it comes to food, it's good to use recipes that are made in small stages so you don't have to expend a lot of time/energy all at once, and make good use of a crockpot (it doesn't have to be all beans and pot roast), since it's mostly passive.

Also, I don't know what your medical situation is, but one thing that does help with my fatigue is to have a smoothie made with fresh spinach and any fruit high in vitamin C (frozen strawberries works well) every day.

Edit: Bulk food prep might also be a good option for you.

Aholahi · 2015-05-20T01:16:39+00:00

Hey girl! Fly Lady is awesome! Sign up for her emails. She's great about keeping things in perspective and not getting overwhelmed. I stayed at home for two years and I can tell you it is very hard to get motivated consistently.

Things that helped me: Stay busy! Not just in the home. Find yourself little things you can look forward to that are weekly or monthly. These things need to be social and cost-effective so you look forward and don't feel guilty.

Check out the library for book clubs, yoga, etc and also Google your town and calendar to find local events and community stuff. Meet up with friends once a week or so for a lunch date. Socializing is important!

Have a daily schedule. It may seem childish but it will keep you sane! Here was mine: 7: make coffee for hubby and deliver when he got out of shower. 7:30 breakfast for hubby and child / pack lunch 8: shower time for me, get dressed, light makeup (looking good feels good!) 930: library story time 11: make lunch 12: check mail, pay bills, any paperwork stuff 12:30 walk in neighborhood 1:00 errands/ shopping 3:30/4: make dinner, tidying house, laundry 6: dinner 7: hang with spouse/friends 1030 bed That's a standard day. Don't stay at home and clean all day or wait for hubby. It'll get boring and you will lose motivation. Better to have a life and clean in short increments.

You'll do great!

Title	New SAHW seeking input
Author	Bakerofpie
Upvotes	19
Comments	29
Date	May 19, 2015 5:04 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/36igrl/new_sahw_seeking_input/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/new-sahw-seeking-input.85382 https://theredarchive.com/post/85382

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