How to not freak out my long-term boyfriend about wanting to have kids?

ThatStepfordGal · 2017-04-16T08:38:43+00:00

That is a little worrying. Being together for three years and not having solid plans in place is a little worrying, in my opinion. You're only in your 20s once, you don't want to waste your peak years being unsure of the future when it comes to being in a relationship.

tempintheeastbay · 2017-04-17T04:41:24+00:00

To me it sounds like a normal sentiment at your ages. I don't know what social context you're in, but any guy I know would be freaking out at 25 if his GF wanted to discuss the details of having kids.

cynicalhousewife · Sun Apr 16 18:54:08 2017 UTC

I would feel concerned that he wasn't open to fully discussing the subject. I would probe him deeper to find out if he really does share the same life goals, and if he gets angry or defensive then it's probably time to rethink things.

NiB_13 · 2017-04-16T21:36:12+00:00

You are overthinking this, you said he is red pill and realist, why would he think about "hypothetical scenarios that concern our future daughters/sons", only Ted from How I Met Your Mother thinks about that, it's more or less, waste of time, you are not freaking him out or turning him off to the idea, it's just not important for something that would happen in 5+ years.

CamilleLyon · 2017-04-16T16:38:41+00:00

You might freak him out but you cannot control that. Be as honest as possible about your desires and be as receptive as possible to hearing his honest desires too, even (and especially) if they are not aligned with your. You both owe each other as much truth as you can each muster to each be able to make decisions that are best for your lives.

lolahaze11 · 2017-04-16T14:48:32+00:00

It's possible you'll freak him out, but he also needs to know where you stand on it. If you want kids by a certain age, he needs to know and prepare himself mentally. If he can't do that, then he may need to figure out whether he wants to keep going with your relationship or not. My boyfriend is the same way. Sometimes I'll get him to talk and daydream about it with me, but not as deep or often as I'd like to. The problem is is that it's not the time to think about it. You're not ready at 21, but you said at around age 27. When you get close to that age, you'll be able to talk about it more when you both are really feeling ready.

DoctorNini · 2017-04-17T15:36:41+00:00

I used to have exactly the same thing with my fiancé. However, I learned to understand that this is just the difference between his male brain and my female one. He doesn't see the use in discussing hypothical scenarios about children that haven't even been conceived yet, and fears it is a trap (in the sense that I will try to hold him to any promises he makes now). I just want to talk about because I like daydreaming about the future, in the same sense that I like talking about our next vacation (even though we haven't booked it yet). Do not worry, in my case this changed completely. We are now engaged, are to be married in August, and because we are closer to the actual baby-creating moment, he now likes to talk about it just as much as I do. :)

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-04-16T23:22:30+00:00

My boyfriend and I are pretty serious and committed to each other

We don't know for sure if we will be together forever

Can you explain more about these two seemingly contradictory statements?

bettsdressed · Mon Apr 17 0:59:11 2017 UTC

Hmm, sounds a little like he doesn't want to think about parenthood for some reason. It could be fear....fear of supporting kids, but most often with men, fear of losing the freedom he has going right now. Tricky situation, as he may be committed to you personally as his mate, knows you want them and he wants them, and yet doesn't want to start lamenting the loss of his glory days.
But, and I mean but--that hinges on a) his commitment to you, which is where commitment really thrives, so he doesn't leave you vulnerable, with or without kids, and b) him knowing that you want them and a relationship with you means a relationship as a father to your kids. If he thinks he can have you without having kids, then I can see almost ALL men doing that.
The commitment to kids is a much bigger commitment than to a wife/woman. He gets a lot from a woman. He learns how to give away part of himself with children.

pinkdrawings · 2017-04-17T18:40:33+00:00

It'd freak me out. It'd make it look like you can't wait.

radioactivities9 · 2017-04-16T07:06:17+00:00

If you want three dont you want to be young and adaptable and have the energy? harder having them into your 30's

HobbesTheBrave · 2017-04-17T01:59:48+00:00

I keep talking to him about how much I want kids and discussing these future scenarios, am I really just freaking him out or turning him off to the idea?

The fallout of him being freaked out is way smaller and less radioactive, if you'd just let it out that you want lots and lots of babies.

Compare that with you sneakily getting pregnant and telling him it his.

RubyWooToo · 2017-04-17T15:40:04+00:00

If he was 21 as well, then I would say not to push it just yet, as it's likely that a guy that age hasn't yet figured out his place in the world let alone where children might fit into it.

But he's 25 and you've been together for 3 years, so I think you should share your goals with him and try to get him to share his thoughts and plans.

If you find that you're not on the same page, or if he simply refuses to engage on the subject, then you have to decide how much more time you want to invest in the relationship.

mwait · 2017-04-19T14:49:12+00:00

Don't push it...

When women push the kid issue, especially when the end date is 5+ years out, it comes off as desperate and weird. Not only is it unattractive, but it is a little unsettling. A lot of guys don't like discussing these things in depth. If he is committed to you and agrees that he wants kids in the future, and he understands the age by which you want to have your first child.... there is no reason to press this issue and confirm every.little.detail right now.

You're 21yo... And he is only 25. You are also 6-7 years away from your goal. As long as you can both agree on the goal itself, please don't force him to solve hypothetical problems and come up with hypothetical names, etc. Guys generally do not respond well to that.

Title	How to not freak out my long-term boyfriend about wanting to have kids?
Author	thecatspajaamas
Upvotes	14
Comments	24
Date	April 16, 2017 7:02 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/65ny69/how_to_not_freak_out_my_longterm_boyfriend_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-not-freak-out-my-long-term-boyfriend-about.87179 https://theredarchive.com/post/87179

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