Have you ever been accused of "emotional abuse"?

MalusMalorum · 2016-03-12T15:54:54+00:00

She seems to basically try to do a victim offender reversal.

She is being abusive, so she rationaliues it, maybe to herself, that you are. The one thing that is clear is that she needs counseling, she initiates, this is not like woth two children where one might deliberately set out to provoke the other into violence, this is her pushing both the verbal confrontation AND the physical aggression.

I admit, I am not sure what she actually wants to get out from this, or if this behaviour of hers is conscious or unonscious.

It might at least offer insight to ask her and get her to answer what she actually wants, in concrete terms. Either she may reveal an underlying problem that causes her to be that messed up, or she will at least reveal that what she wants is simply too much.

If she basically wants to be able to freely act put against you but still uphold the idea that she is always in the right, this would be a very good indicator not to be with such a person.

probpoopin · 2016-03-12T18:01:54+00:00

Have you ever heard of being gaslighted? That's what she's doing to you. Pretty much text book.

coppercock · 2016-03-12T17:13:50+00:00

Time to deliver the coup de grace: leave her.

She always says her physical attacks are justified because they are all she has left against me; I wear her out through my emotional abuse and manipulations.

This is a classic excuse used by abusers. You know all those media depictions of abusive husbands who say things like "If you did what I asked I wouldn't have to hit you" or "why do you have to make me angry?" It's the exact same shit, only gender-swapped and she's pretending she's the victim somehow. Also, her constantly accusing you of emotional abuse and manipulation is a way for her to abuse and manipulate YOU.

BaldursShield · 2016-03-12T18:46:39+00:00

You need to leave. You are not safe there. She is gaslighting you and physically abusing you, whilst calling you the abusive one to justify her crimes. My ex did the same thing to me and leaving her was one of the best decisions of my life. From one man to another, save yourself.

wisty · 2016-03-12T18:59:38+00:00

If you're abusive your'e doing her a favor by leaving. If you're not so abusive, you're doing yourself a favor by leaving.

She doesn't respect you. If she respected you, she wouldn't be such a cunt. She won't change, it's not your job to make her change, you don't have the right to change her, and you don't owe her shit.

And since she has a patten of violence, your only real option is a clean break. Do not have one last argument to explain yourself - there's a high risk she will hurt herself or you and that you'll end up in prison because you needed to prove to this cunt that you were right and she was wrong. She'll never take responsibility for her mistakes, and you'll only hurt yourself (and possibly her) trying to make her.

mochacola · 2016-03-12T15:47:59+00:00

Here is what I've learned. Most pople don't change. Consider the possibility that if you are just the way you are, but partnered with someone else, there'll none of these nonsense; but if you stick around and keep forcing yourself to become what you don't want to become just to make her happy, she will still be just as unhappy.

aokusman · 2016-03-12T15:40:54+00:00

Get out.

alclarkey · 2016-03-12T20:19:25+00:00

The irony here is that YOU are the one being emotionally (and physically) abused. What is happening is a well known phenomenon called projection in that she is accusing you of something she is guilty of.

I_TRY_TO_BE_POSITIVE · 2016-03-12T20:42:29+00:00

You're being gaslit hard bro, I had the same thing happen to me. If you have no ulterior motives, and they're accusing you of having obvious ulterior motives, that is a massive red flag.

rudelyinterrupts · 2016-03-12T15:46:38+00:00

Video! Any time from now on, if you feel a fight coming on, you get your phone out and video the whole thing. If she yells at you to stop, don't. If she hits you and tells you to stop, don't. If she tries to take the phone away resist but do not fight back. This is abuse on her part, hard stop. Not only physical abuse but mental and emotional abuse. She blames you for anything that upsets her in an argument. Clear indicator of emotional and mental abuse. I loath the idea of divorce but it is something you need to strongly consider.

Could you maybe change the way you say things? Probably, but who here thinks they never say something wrong or in the wrong way. Maybe the things you say are abusive, but hitting you is also abusive.

The video will help immensely. It will be a review for you to look over when you have cooled down and so you can see if what you said could be take out of context and will lead to you thinking about the words you choose next time you argue(with anyone) and help you grow as a person. More importantly, if she is hitting you and lashing out verbally, trying to lay all the blame on you, then you have evidence.

I'm not in the house when you fight and I only have your word to go off of. I see no reason for you to say anything false here but it's something for me to consider. I say if what you said is true, divorce or a separation seems like the only alternative to the violence and/or abuse. It's messy for men, especially if there are kids, or a big gap in earning between you two. Get the evidence, and maybe try talking to her, but never let her have access to the only copy of the videos. Back those up and cover yourself.

garglemesh42 · 2016-03-12T18:17:09+00:00

[deleted]

What is this?

RCS47 · 2016-03-12T23:34:20+00:00

Leave this relationship, right now.

If what you're typing is true, she's already physically abusive.

Her idea is 'emotional non-abuse' is "she's always right" (even when she is factually incorrect) and you just meekly mutter "Yes, mistress."

liquid_j · 2016-03-12T18:09:30+00:00

there is never an excuse to lay a hand on ones partner.. ever. You need to leave until she gets help.

HotDealsInTexas · 2016-03-12T20:39:45+00:00

Your wife sounds like she's both physical AND emotionally abusive. She's using accusations of emotional abuse as an excuse to dismiss/delegitimize/shut down anything you say, including legitimate criticisms.

She is taking advantage of your compassion for her by crying "you're harming me!" every time you say anything. That is abusive behavior, just the same as threatening to kill yourself if your partner breaks up with you is abusive.

CountVonVague · 2016-03-12T23:02:32+00:00

Well, first of all you're experiencing domestic violence and you don't even realize it ( feminists would maybe say you've been socialized to not realize it ). Top comment's right, Get Out Now. She's both Emotionally manipulative and Physically abusive and she's lucky you haven't fought back ( you are too ).

If you stay routinely remind her of how you could call the cops on her illegal behavior, and make sure to collect evidence of her abuse both audio and video because the cops likely won't buy your story when you Do call them and you're the one likely to be arrested.

CorporalClegg1918 · 2016-03-12T19:04:57+00:00

Thank you all for the support and comments on this so far. I don't want to give the impression that the physical violence happens very often--it doesn't. Our fights build up and sometimes she lashes out just in pure exasperation. Many times she even apologizes and feels bad for getting physical, although the last couple of times its happened she hasn't.

I do suspect that she's really depressed and needs help. I also don't want to be responsible for her pain in any way. Meaning, if I am really being emotionally abusive--then I want to do everything in my power to stop it. My problem is that she says it so much I don't know what the term means anymore. And when I ask her what she wants from me during our fights, it's ALWAYS, without fail, that I change the way I talk to her. It can be my tone, my word choice, lack of respect, anything. Just the WAY I talk upsets her. I don't want to sound like some smarmy asshole (which I know I am capable of doing!), so I try to watch my tone. But the good times--the times when we're happy and everything feels fine--seem largely dependent on her not getting angry. Which makes me think--is she just taking my "abuse" and suffering in silence?

Her reading feminist blogs and blogs about emotional and psychological and verbal abuse in the past few years have made the whole abuse thing worse and worse.

Allblacksworldchamps · 2016-03-12T22:37:35+00:00

The advice to leave comes from a very real fear that these things will escalate or hit a crisis situation in times of "real" stress. You will have to figure these out yourself, perhaps with a friend who knows you both. Confiding in mutual friends is always a good idea, as it provides a back up that your story has been consistant.

In my experience what you describe is a learned behaviour. It can then be unlearned, this being the part giving you hope if you would like to continue your relationship. But it will not change without external assistance.

In my case it was the partners relationship with her mother and many fathers. Despite being very clear and competant with boundry setting and removing myself from the argument, this just stirred up feelings of being manipulated/abandoned in her time of need, escalating the argument to violence. (This behaviour was role modeled and acceptable to her family, they generally ganged up and would support the "winner").

It wasn't until I asked her to take a break, and she went to stay at mums house for two weeks, that she saw the behaviour from her mother, and armed with the tactics I had been modeling was able to get a clear enough head to resist the whole family (it lasted 4 days, and she left for a womens refugee). From this point on she understood what she was doing and was open to help.

10 years violence free, we still argue over nothing but have forged a trust that we can support each other once it is over.

If I were you I would try the councelling first, and offer her to come along. You will be in a better place then to find out the root of her behaviour, see if she is willing to work, and understands the problem as you do, and if needed find a cleaner path to seperation.

Rhesuspeaces · 2016-03-13T00:47:14+00:00

This is assault, please have her arrested, do so for your own dignity & safety & for the countless men who daren't. This is not okay, this woman does not love or respect you. There is no reason for you to stand for this, or benefit to you doing so. I wish you the strength to do what is necessary.

Wargame4life · 2016-03-13T12:48:53+00:00

I had a girlfriend once who used to try and have a go at me because i would bring up things she had done in the past (to me) that were awful, her logic was "I am attacking her now by reminding her of her nasty deeds which are not her fault in her head because she is a different person now- despite no apology or making amends etc for those deeds"

was hilarious, basically told her to go fuck herself and dumped the bitch.

clybourn · 2016-03-13T16:47:41+00:00

Send her to jail

2016-03-14T17:53:26+00:00

Your wife is a child

CorporalClegg1918 · 2016-03-12T19:15:47+00:00

Another thing: gaslighting was mentioned in the comments a couple of times, as in SHE is gaslighting ME. The weird thing is that she often accuses ME of gaslighting her. This one article explains gaslighting in feminist terms: http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/gaslighting-is-an-abuse-tactic/

If this article is accurate, then I do think I gaslight her sometimes. For example, the article starts with, "If something happened that upset me, hurt me, or angered me, my reaction was often met with some variation of 'That didn’t happen! I never said that! You’re overreacting!'"

Well that happens with us all the time. She will get upset or angry by something I say (or the WAY I said it), she'll call me out on it, and I will respond by saying that's not what I meant or she is taking things the wrong way, etc.

I don't know if this article is just not to be trusted or what, but I must admit I have often thought she does not remember things correctly, is being too sensitive, makes things out of nothing, let's not ruin the whole night by arguing, etc. The article clearly states that these are abusive phrases and tactics, so maybe I really am abusive. Or maybe the article is bullshit. I don't know.

locks_are_paranoid · 2016-03-12T21:34:58+00:00

The terms "emotional abuse," and "verbal abuse" are simply the most absurd things I've ever heard.

Last_Flight_3745 · 2022-02-15T12:33:07+00:00

You're not the abuser, she is since she attacks you and she is the one abusing you. You need to leave her and report her before she possibly ends up ending your life.

Title	Have you ever been accused of "emotional abuse"?
Author	CorporalClegg1918
Upvotes	25
Comments	41
Date	March 12, 2016 3:28 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/4a46zf/have_you_ever_been_accused_of_emotional_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/have-you-ever-been-accused-of-emotional-abuse.954150 https://theredarchive.com/post/954150

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