Long-distance girlfriend just sent this to me. Says she thinks everyone should read this. What the heck? Best ways to respond and refute? =/

BlindPelican · 2014-05-30T03:44:04+00:00

Seems simple to me...

Dear Girlfriend,

Sex and physical intimacy is a vital part of a relationship. Indeed, I am not entitled to sex, nor are you.

By the same token, neither of us is entitled to emotional support, communication, time together, gifts, favors, affirmation or companionship. We give these things freely.

If you think you must educate me on simple relationship dynamics, and insult my intelligence by doing so, then I have to question if you're really the kind of person I want to invest my emotions, time, resources and possibly future with.

Love,

OP

TsarKartoshka · 2014-05-30T03:20:46+00:00

In my experience since so much burden is traditionally placed on men to initiate relationships and make the first move, most men are actually quite well versed in rejection. I've heard of a number of women who aren't so used to it, and resort to name calling (mostly gay bashing or creeper labels) when a man doesn't respond positively to her interest.

The flip side of this article is women are viewing men as sex-craved beasts who don't respect a woman's sexual interests or right to say no. That's a huge generalization, and it's one of a growing number of stereotypes being used against men. We don't tolerate broad stereotyping of ethnic groups as a way to justify fear and disdain for other races, so why should we tolerate stereotyping of an entire gender, casting men as something they typically are not?

2014-05-30T04:28:12+00:00

I had to laugh. "Women are not the only people negatively impacted by male sexual entitlement. Men who sleep with men can also act sexually entitled."

Yeah, but women never feel entitled to sex. NOT!

I don't care any more about respecting women than I care about respecting other men. Nor should I.

iethatis · 2014-05-30T03:38:06+00:00

massive red flag

questionnmark · 2014-05-30T05:48:15+00:00

In my personal experience women are more sexually entitled than men. They assume that since they want it that the guy should have sex with them. I think this is the result of teaching only one gender about how to play nice sexually.

Heavy_In_Your_Arms · 2014-05-30T07:54:37+00:00

I agree that male sexual entitlement hurts everyone. I also agree that female sexual entitlement can hurt just as much. The key point that needs to be made is that, regardless of whether or not male sexual entitlement hurts everyone, not all males believe they are entitled to a woman's body. Honestly, I think it's disgusting that men get SO GENERALIZED in the media.

2014-05-30T03:40:11+00:00

Say: "I have the expectation of intimacy, that's why I chose to be in a relationship. I'm not ashamed that I want to have sex with you but I am disappointed that you're trying to make me ashamed of my sexuality."

bookishboy · 2014-05-30T15:35:19+00:00

Invite her to stand outside a busy bar/club with you on a Friday or Saturday night. Ask the same question of the first 100 men and the first 100 women that you see. Agree on the phrasing of the question for fairness, but basically:

"If you were/are single and wanted to pick up someone from this bar tonight, go home together and have sex, what would you say your chances are for success?"

Barring some kind of disfigurement or extreme lack of looks, women can start their evening knowing that they will get laid. The only impediment to getting laid for most girls is their own reticence or standards. The main things standing in the way of (straight) men who want to get laid is also, ironically, women's reticence and standards.

Which side could better be described as feeling entitled to sex? The side who can decide in advance that they're going to go out and have sex tonight, or the side who knows they have to earn it?

Worshack · 2014-05-30T05:41:37+00:00

It’s normal to overlook the female orgasm.

So women are entitled to sexual pleasure, but men aren't.

It’s embedded in the way promiscuous men are idolized in Bond movies

Have you seen the recent movies? They make it clear that Bond's a lunatic.

All of these normal behaviors seem harmless when looked at individually, but they are symptoms of a larger cultural attitude that overvalues male sexuality

We mutilate our male children's genitals. So much for "overvaluing" their sexuality.

In intimate relationships when one partner tries to coerce the other into sex. Some believe that it is a girlfriend or wife’s duty to have sex whether she actually wants to or not.

And some women coerce their male partners into having sex. But you didn't mention that.

MTknowsit · 2014-05-30T04:06:41+00:00

By ending the relationship. Seriously ... you are going to be made to "earn" and "honor" every single sexual encounter, ever, with this chick, and it's going to wear you . ... the .... .. fuck .... ..... ... out, over time.

Samurai007_ · 2014-05-30T10:19:06+00:00

How about all the ways women think they are entitled to a man's money? Women are constantly being told by society that a man should pay for a date, buy a gift, buy her an engagement ring, give her his paycheck to spend, etc. That sense of entitlement is perpetuated constantly, and yet, somehow I never see women complaining that that sense of entitlement needs to change.

ARedthorn · 2014-05-30T12:19:26+00:00

In my experience, it's female sexuality that's over-valued. It's been treated as a seller's market for decades- with women in control of the goods and the price, and men always assumed to be buying- even assumed to be willing to pay any price (emotional or physical) pinned on the hope of getting it.

The very construct devalues everyone involved in different ways...

As for friend-zoning... Fuck. That has nothing to do with entitlement and everything to do with an emotional power-imbalance. When I love a girl and she's only friends with me... Knowingly or not, she's taking advantage of me. I will do things for her I normally wouldn't for any other given friend. I will put up with shit- especially emotional pain I would never have normally experienced, much less opened myself up to. I will let her hurt me, over and over again until the relationship is quietly toxic if not abusive. (Even if the only hurt is having to listen to her cry over each guy that hurts her, wailing about why there aren't any guys that would take care of her or be there for her or be more like me... Oh, that's abusive shit right there- especially if your feelings were made known to her. Oh- gtfo, if this rings a bell, for God's sake, gtfo.)

A female friend (who was nothing more than that) saw me going through that once and told me exactly that- whether she knew it or not (and she said the girl prolly did know- they frequently do and just don't think anything of it), that what she was doing was emotional abuse. The answer? If you're looking for more than friends- it's all or nothing, and screw it if they can't accept that. If they try to friend-zone you- refuse. Tell them, quite honestly, that that's not what you were looking for, and you're sorry it's not going to work out, but it's in your best interests to walk away.

Then, do it.

AntiIdealogue · 2014-05-30T13:54:25+00:00

When I'm hungry I don't feel entitled to food. When I'm horny I don't feel entitled to sex. Isn't it amazing how Female Feminists just seem to know what men are thinking? They're foremost authorities on men and maleness in their own minds. Fucking mind readers the lot of them.

HighAngleAlpha0331 · 2014-05-30T21:01:02+00:00

"Next!"

WelcomeToElmStreet · 2014-05-30T05:43:48+00:00

Do you want to refute it because you feel defensive? I wouldn't worry about that. I doubt she sent it to you because she thinks you act entitled to sex. (Maybe she did, but if so, you should talk it out with her and learn how she actually feels, instead of soliciting advice from here.) My guess is just that she thinks this is something that more people should read. She probably also sent it to her other friends, so you should only feel defensive if you actually do feel entitled. Hope that helps!

2014-05-30T04:47:24+00:00

Break up. You're fucked.

unbannable9412 · 2014-05-30T06:54:53+00:00

Dump her.

she clearly doesn't respect you
she clearly can't empathize with you
she's clearly a navel gazing cunt
she's damaged goods that needs to project her sexual insecurity onto men(that means you)
she will either harm you, or get you in legal trouble based on the above RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.

2014-05-30T05:04:24+00:00

You should respond by no longer having a long distance girlfriend.

octavian2 · 2014-05-30T12:35:00+00:00

Everything has become politicized. It's sad. But women have to face reality, the reality that we all are filled with ourselves when we're young but that doesn't stick around very long: when you're fighting from a position of strength, the world's your fiefdom. But when the odds change easy victories just don't come anymore.

avantvernacular · 2014-05-30T14:39:33+00:00

I think you should just respond with "We need to have a serious talk about your perspectives on me as a person and as a man, and its impact on our relationship."

Then talk to her about it. How it makes you feel, how it impacts you, how it disrespects you, whatever is on your mind.

2014-05-30T15:43:40+00:00

If people feel that entitlement means getting upset because someone won't have sex with you, than everyone is entitled. If a girl asks you to have sex, and you say no, she will probably get offended, and therefore she is entitled.

blueoak9 · 2014-05-30T15:56:09+00:00

"Male sexual entitlement is the belief that men are owed sex on account of their maleness.

Society normalizes this message."

This may be the case in the writer's culture - see the name and surname - but it has never ever been the case in this one, at least not among social equals. (Young blades wenching around is an outlier and it has been dead for a hundred years anyway.)

This article is not just wrong, it is a 180 degrees wrong - it is a sly inversion to cover up women's entitlement to sex with men, enforced with gay-shaming or acusations of misogyny: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/08/dealbreaker-indeed/ http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/09/02/in-defense-of-period-sex/

...and even creepier, woman's entitlement to marriage - just google "commitmentphobe (see how they try to pathologize male life choices?):

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/annie-ashdown/commitment-phobic_b_4218533.html http://howtokeepaguy.org/he-wont-commit/ http://arabia.msn.com/lifestyle/valentine/16194/how-tell-hes-commitmentphobe/

Notice how these are gendered.

This article is a classic sly inversion, a 180 degree lie to cover an unflattering truth.

2014-05-30T16:05:06+00:00

And women aren't guilty of "sexual entitlement"? I've declined sex three times in my life. Two of these instances were with the same woman. With her, it was because I wasn't into her at all, but in the case of the second woman, I simply wasn't in the mood. The first woman asked me if I was gay for spurning her advances. Gender-flip this scenario, and the man who asks the disinterested woman if she's gay would certainly be demonised for it and called arrogant.

Speaking of gender inversions, look at those Diet Coke adverts. Change it to a group of male office workers leering at an attractive semi-clad female going about her duties, and you can guarantee there'd be a shitstorm. The men would definitely be accused of being lecherous creeps, or be told their objectification of this idealised woman is the result of their own inadequate sex lives. The woman obviously would be seen as a poor little innocent victim. Alas, in the existing adverts, some people would probably blame the lusty women's husbands and boyfriends for being insufficient lovers, leaving their partners no choice to fantasise about shirtless hunks.

JamesKBoyd · 2014-05-30T16:23:07+00:00

My girlfriend and I were having a similar discussion just last night to some of the comments I see in here.

Basically, I am handicapped, and sometimes feel horrible. Other times, I am just fine. Anyway, she has been rejected by me on numerous ocassions due to my not being well, physically. However, on the flip side, she has NEVER rejected me.

She seems to expect that it should be the other way around, as she said that "men never turn down sex."

Lurker_IV · 2014-05-31T04:48:31+00:00

I would ask her what if anything feminists are doing to end this 'sex entitlement' problem besides shaming men into changing their behavior?

How about protesting against night clubs that let women in free and make men pay the cover fee. How about slogans like, "feminists always 'go dutch'. Stuff like that.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

2014-06-05T07:24:02+00:00

Best ways to respond and refute?

Find yourself a new girlfriend. Then send a text to the old girlfriend who sent you this message, informing her that she should no longer feel entitled to your sex (or emotional support, communication, time together, gifts, favors, affirmation or companionship).

TheRealMouseRat · 2014-05-30T09:04:33+00:00

What I liked about this article was that it provided a check at the end. Ok, am I one of these so-called "entitled men"? ..and nope, I do not harass other people, and I respect other people's boundaries. This article is actually setting up a strawman argument that is based on the "fact" that all men are predatory sex craved rapists.

However, I would like to mention some things about sex in relationships. Women are not aware of this, but for men sex is one of the few ways of truly feeling loved by an SO. An SO who regularly wants to have sex with you is a sign that she is content with you, wants you and is a source to feel her love for you. Basically it's a way for men to avoid being stressed, and feel safe in the relationship they have. This is why it is so important for men in relationships to have regular sex. If you're not having sex, the relationship is going to shit, or she is cheating. In both cases the relationship is dead and you must move on to avoid more pain and suffering. Men who want sex in a relationship where the woman is not interested in sex much anymore are just trying to save an already dead relationship. If it has went a month without sex, just break the relationship off already.

2014-05-30T03:31:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Long-distance girlfriend just sent this to me. Says she thinks everyone should read this. What the heck? Best ways to respond and refute? =/
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	21
Comments	62
Date	May 30, 2014 3:08 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/26ufpu/longdistance_girlfriend_just_sent_this_to_me_says/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/long-distance-girlfriend-just-sent-this-to-me-says.999973 https://theredarchive.com/post/999973

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