Advice on marriage issues

Nearby-Car4777 · 2026-01-08T20:19:24+00:00

I'm a big fan of fighting for family, and this is my normal advice. If your wife is struggling with a mental health, or physical problem that could be fixed with therapy. Try this first.

But if it is truly toxic. Leaving is better.

I have a 15 year old daughter and a 19 year old son. My relationships with them are different. What I can say is that in the months since my wife and I separated, my daughter and I have actually grown much closer.

So I think a non-toxic relationship is important, but there is a lot of nuance to this. I want to be clear, I was always involved in my daughter's life. Her mom just naturally filled a different role. That isn't a bad thing if your wife is a good mother. One thing that helped was being honest without being negative. I've told my daughter that her mom and I have a different kind of relationship than the one each of us has with her. She understands that. Kids/teenagers are capable of understanding this. If your toxicity is spilling over to you kids it can be catastrophic.

I try my hardest not to speak badly about her mother, but I don't pretend our relationship worked either. I try and frame it as: Our relationship didn't work well, but your relationship with each of us is separate and solid.

That distinction has mattered.

Always show up. My daughter is a dancer and loves musical theater. Many times it was just me, my son, and all the moms at events. I was often uncomfortable, but I went anyway. Be present, your kids will realize what you are.

No_Survey1024 · 2026-01-08T11:57:18+00:00

Mine has a lot of issues around my wife’s health (which is improving) and her mental health (which is … probably not) and being a solo caregiver/emotional everything (she has zero friends due to maybe the mental health?). I talked to a divorce attorney and it is financially ruinous. So…. I stay on my anxiety meds and hope she gets better with her CPAP/apnea. For now.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-08T04:52:35+00:00

So you would rather your kids stay and live in a toxic environment? How is that going to help them unless you make it non toxic which means no fighting or whatever you are doing, so you will just be subservient?

fiddsy · 2026-01-08T04:30:39+00:00

I absolutely love my wife despite all her issues.

She loves me, we have two kids - 23 years or history and 16 years together.

However, there was practically zero emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.

We both wanted to make it work but she didnt have the capacity to do the work and after 2 years of trying - I no longer had the capacity to be the one doing all the work.

I didn't sign up to live unfulfilled. I didnt want the kids growing up thinking that a loveless marriage completely void of intimacy is/was normal because ultimately - they will follow that script just like my wife did by mirroring her parents marriage.

Do I feel guilty.. 100%.. Am I sad and hurt by it... everyday...

I hate that im blowing up the life we build - blowing up the family we have.. and hate that we both still have a lot of love and care for each other..

But I know its the right call and so does she. Some things cant be fixed or atleast cant be fixed without large effort from both partners.

Bagman220 · 2026-01-08T02:50:59+00:00

I stayed in the toxic marriage for a long time, but then I decided it was time for me to leave, but the outcome wasn’t either of the options you presented.

I kept the home, and I see my kids every day, but I get no help from their mom who ran away when I filed for divorce. Trying to raise 4 young kids all alone is very difficult. I miss my marriage and the family together. And looking back my ex wasn’t that bad, she was bad, but not bad enough to justify doing this alone.

Despite me saying that, I’m in the best place I’ve ever been. I’m thriving now, and hope to keep pushing forward! I am a big advocate for keeping it together for the kids, maybe you just need to keep it together long enough until you are ready to do it on your own.

Expensive_Singer_276 · 2026-01-08T02:35:49+00:00

What do we define a bad marriage? My wife and I were entirely disconnected emotionally but we never fought. I debated for a long time whether it was worth it to stay for the kids, or if it would be better for them for me to leave and find someone I could truly be happy with and set a better example. M

I’m in the middle of leaving right now, because it got very much worse. so I’ll let you know

MiloGoesToPorridge · 2026-01-08T02:01:01+00:00

One of the things I've learned from my experience of divorce/separation is this, and it really does stand out.

It's infinitely better for your children to grow up with two happier parents apart than it is for them to grow up with miserable ones who are toxic for each other, together.

Don't be scared brother, I was, but it's really not bad at all.

I smile so much more now, as well as live with so many more positive vibes, and it rubs off on my little girl.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-01-08T01:58:14+00:00

For me it’s not seeing the kids. Our marriage wasn’t ‘bad’ on the surface but just tolerable bc of poor communication. kids never saw or heard anything bad. We tried therapy but that’s their thing, anything less than perfect = bad marriage = divorce

Slowloris81 · 2026-01-08T01:53:48+00:00

Carrying on in a toxic marriage is worse. Two happy (or at least happier) but separate households is way better than one toxic one.

A 50/50 schedule or something close to it is actually pretty great because you have quality time with the kids and quality time to yourself.

Major-Principle-283 · 2026-01-08T01:43:16+00:00

IMO it is worse to stay in a bad marriage. I did this and my kid ended up hating me. Her mother and I fought and argued so much, she eventually viewed me as the aggressor and an ogre

Title	Advice on marriage issues
Author	bringforththeg
Upvotes	5
Comments	27
Date	January 7, 2026 10:57 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q6ukn2/advice_on_marriage_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/advice-on-marriage-issues.1570662 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570662

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