(reposted here from r/divorce , hoping more people can offer a voice)

31M. Married ~4yr to my wife (26F), been together about 8.

Hard to articulate my motivation for divorce because there are so many moving pieces and it's hard enough to cope with the unhappiness/frustration to begin with

I've been seriously considering divorce for about 2yr. I am to the breaking point now. Traversed through personal and couples therapy (multiple psychologists), found a lawyer, filled out the forms, itching to press "send" ... my wife knows this but is still unmotivated to change the issues I complain about

I grew up fairly sheltered in a hyper religious environment, and so did she. We kind of "escaped" it together. We are also each other's first and only, which makes it "beautiful" or special or worthy of preservation or something, but increasingly not enough to keep suffering with/from her.

I'm a conscientious person, highly productive, high income, organized, etc. I got a PhD at 27, and paid my own tuition to get there. Up until about a year ago I regularly worked 60hr+ per week

My wife by contrast didn't finish community college (there was family complication that made it difficult for her but very hard to say lack of motivation or laziness or self sabotaging rebellious attitude played a role)

I feel like she has no impulse to create value and carry her weight at all. Each iteration of her working on anything has required a major lift on my part - both by pestering her about it to "just do something" and by monetary cost.

Also she resolutely doesn't want kids (common reasons: hates what it could do to her health/body, hates the idea of bringing a child into the fucked-up world, doesn't want all the work involved), and although at first I was ambivalent, now I am starting to want to have kids.

I fear our incompatibilities were always looking but now manifesting in ways that I can't ignore for longer.

She makes attempts to placate me (or, the situation), e.g. providing a snack or trying for some words of affirmation -- but the major things I'm concerned about don't change. So I'm at a stage where I am very exhausted, and my default state of mind is stressed/anxious, like my consciousness wants me to end it and move on, but things tethering me to stay are a mixture of "love" and the fear of bad outcomes if i divorce, e.g. financial loss. But I know also if I wait longer those things would probably just be worse.

She sleeps ~12hr a day and has an extremely liberal schedule. I've paid all the bills for the entire marriage including buying our house myself (only name on mortgage), in addition to doing something like 1/3 - 1/2 of housework.

Therapist recommended a sabbatical. She's not willing to do it (probably mainly because she'd either have to move in with fam or get a "real" job)

I feel stuck, afraid about losing if I quit, kind of afraid of being alone, kind of nervous about ever loving again, but like my lifespan is shortening living with her. But i have some confidence and hope, like, surely another person (much better suited to me and my personality and other features) would be out there.

I know leaving all the bad means leaving the good too -- but why do I feel like the trajectory this entire marriage has been slowly downhill since the start?

I recently said "sabbatical or divorce" and she doesn't seem to believe me at all. Maybe because I've expressed my grievances many times before without drawing an ultimatum.

I feel like she's either too unwilling or too incapable to make meaningful change and I'm just enabling her weaknesses by providing her safety net.

Also every time I bring up divorce she says it's a "surprise". Driving me nuts.

Just venting, but also looking for the "wisdom of the crowd" here.. Am I crazy/wrong? What part of me is wrong?