Does mediation work?

JasonInNJ · 2020-02-07T13:07:31+00:00

We ended up approaching a mediator later in a protracted divorce. If it had been possible to mediate from the start, that would have been my preference, but it was not until we were mostly on the same page that we were able to seek a mediator. We tried to do it with our attorneys present, but our attorneys definitely complicated things. Then my soon-to-be-ex met up at a Starbucks and made a list of all the things we agreed on. We found that we basically agreed and that there were some details (50/50 parenting schedule, buyout of the house) that needed to be hammered out.

We went back to the same mediator without our attorneys (not keeping them in the dark, we just felt that their presence needlessly wasted two entire mediation days.

In general, a mediator isn’t cheap if you have both lawyers and the mediator there, but it is less than a few months in the courts.

Here’s my general rule of thumb:

1) If one party is not cooperative or not in a state of mind to negotiate (out of control behavior, bad faith), approach a mediator after having filed in the courts. 2) If your lawyers seem to skirmish all the time over everything, and you find that even quiet (in terms of court date or deadlines) months end up with costly billls, consider not having lawyers at mediation. 3) If there is something that you can do without the lawyers (like arranging to move stuff or planning a vacation with the kids, you’ll pay for the vacation by simply dealing with your STBX directly).

There were months were there were no discovery documents due, no court dates, no motions, and virtually no contact with the lawyers where our lawyers would get into these nasty email and phone exchanges that would ring up thousands of dollars in legal bills. I was still getting some bills related to the sale of the marital home almost a year after the divorce ended. It’s kind of nuts!

Now, if you don’t have an overly-contested divorce and things are pretty amicable, going to the mediator directly would be ideal. I couldn’t do that. In NJ, a day of mediation cost us about $4K ($2k each). If the lawyers are there, both are also getting paid around $400 an hour. I should add that through my entire divorce I never regretted dropping out of law school. I couldn’t do the job that these people do.

SzDiverge · 2020-02-07T16:25:22+00:00

You've got it backwards with mediators. They don't try to push for courtroom battles.. the do whatever it takes to avoid them. That's their job.

This means that they aren't necessarily going to be "fair" to both sides. The mediator will likely propose whatever will get it done.

In my situation, the mediator told me what my wife would likely want in lump sum payment to avoid monthly support. HIS idea of what she'd want. He then went and talked to her and surprise.. that was exaclty right. Turns out that he went and proposed the deal to her! He wasn't looking out for me.. he was looking for a deal.

Mediation is better than court still.

thefudmaster · 2020-02-07T13:11:00+00:00

The first thing you need to settle is custody. I highly recommend 50/50 week on week off schedule with exchanges after school on Mondays. That’s what I spent well over $100K in legal fees to get.

Mediation can work if both parties are reasonable. If your soon to be ex isn’t all about alimony and child support, you guys should be fine. Better yet, come up with your own agreement.

adiscgolfer · 2020-02-07T14:42:42+00:00

If your divorce, with attorneys goes to court - the court will MAKE you go to mediation ANYWAY. At least that's how it is here in Oklahoma. So if you can do the mediation up front you're talking hundreds of dollars, maybe a couple thousand - vs many, many thousands for each of you in attorney fees, THEN to go into mediation with your attorneys... I dunno, I had great success with mediation and it was actually quite contentious at first, but we ended up with a $950 bill for mediation + a few hundred to have an attorney file the divorce at the courthouse... My advice for everyone is always going to be to go that route where possible.

ThePhunkyPhantom13 · 2020-02-07T15:33:04+00:00

I had a great experience with mediators if that can be said about the situation. But they helped take care of the paperwork, worked through asset split and even knocked 2 grand off the cost due to us being civil and not infighting. They filed all the paperwork to the judge and made the transition easier in my case. The people were very understanding and have been through the same process themselves.

DogFashion · 2020-02-07T16:25:00+00:00

Thank you for posting this. My situation is similar (have a kid together, make about the same money). My worry is that any money I've set aside for a lawyer retainer will be wasted on a mediator in the event that communication breaks down.

We're doing our required 365 degrees of separation this year, and I'd say it's going pretty well. Haven't seen her since January 6. The occasional text/phone call. No blow ups or fighting (I think we're both relieved, albeit hurt). She drops my son off to me every weekend with no fuss. We've agreed on a fair amount of financial support for our son that I send to her every two weeks.

But I do worry that come divorce time she may change and not be as amicable as she is now and that I'd blow that retainer money on a mediator when perhaps I should have just paid to a lawyer who represents only my interests in the first place.

Thoughts?

MNCPA · 2020-02-07T18:00:37+00:00

Depends on your stbxw.

I wanted to mediate over legal custody. My ex-wife wanted to mediate over $7 medication for our children.

Hope for the best. Mediate when the waters are calm.

knight-c6 · 2020-02-07T18:40:08+00:00

For what it's worth, mine was a waste. I'm still not entirely sure if it was my ex or her attorney that ended up sabotaging the process, but after four hours of back and forth in separate rooms, we walked without reaching an agreement on ANYTHING.

For the mediators part, he was pretty good, trying to hammer out an agreement on child custody and such, so that it wouldnt be an issue if we ended up going to court later. This is somewhat seldom known, you can hash out issues without agreeing to everything, with the understanding you will still go to court to address unresolved issues (property, finances, etc).

For my part, I had put off filing to keep her on my insurance since she agreed to 50/50 custody of my son. During mediation, we agreed on that immediately, so I felt pretty good. Then came possessions, I agreed to everything she asked for, because I didn't care.
Then came money, and I felt like i was being extorted. She makes twice as much as I do but wanted an 800 dollar a month stipend for her health insurance, half of my retirement, wanted to name her beneficiary on a half million dollar life insurance policy (kinda freaked me out) as well as a bunch of restrictions that were patently absurd. I declined and explained why, so they left the process with the mediator trying to explain that we could draw up what we agreed to (namely childcare) but my ex wasn't having it. The next morning she filed for emergency custody (I'm assuming her attorney let her know she would end up paying me child support if I asked for it since he lived with us equal time) luckily the judge saw through the convenient timing.

I would go in with an open mind, but also try to stipulate that once agreement has been made on an issue, the process stops and documents are drawn up in that issue. Seeing your son shouldn't be tied to giving your ex the futon or whatever.

SpearCatcher1 · 2020-02-07T19:07:23+00:00

Mediation failed for us because my X2B was nowhere near reasonable. The Mediator seemed nice, but I'll never really know. The Mediator did admit defeat and signed 'we tried' papers late morning without wasting my money on the rest of the day accomplishing nothing.

4agreements · 2020-02-07T19:56:09+00:00

Mediators don’t make any money If you hire attorneys to go to courtl.

hustlors · 2020-02-07T13:37:05+00:00

I think it's the opposite. Attorneys create paranoia and pour gasoline on the fire. They are terrible people and make an already unbearable process excruciating. I just finished mediation. I found the process to be helpful and constructive. Its nice not worrying about having to figure out the overwhelming cryptic process of uncoupling. The paperwork, fees and process is just a nightmare. I found it a benefit to have someone handling all that so i can concentrate on healing. It only cost us $2800. Best advice is work out as much as you can and then leave the rest to the mediator. Good luck with it.

fewdo · 2020-02-07T12:58:24+00:00

I don't think mediators are lawyers but I haven't looked yet

random_topix · 2020-02-07T12:55:55+00:00

Don’t see how it could hurt. It’s certainly cheaper. And if you end up in court it failed.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2020-02-08T03:54:18+00:00

The answer varies depending on what you call mediation. Are you using a closed ended source m, where you mediate with them and then draw up a document to submit to the court or are you both using attorneys that are acting as mediators?

Short answer is that mediation doesn’t produce the best outcome for you. They only want the two of you to agree. The longer answer delves into how functional or combative the two of you are. Theoretically, if there’s no animosity and there isn’t any alimony or child support or kids or a house, mediation can work. Mostly it doesn’t though.

In Oregon, they actually force you to attend 2 mediation meetings to see if you can act like functioning adults before wasting the court’s time and your money my(48) Ex(52) spent the first meeting arguing over who could be named “Parent A” and that Valentines was a holiday where we should exchange the kids and then the outright skipped the 2nd one. Pay the money to an attorney and get it done.

Eiichirooda123 · 2020-02-09T01:36:33+00:00

My concern is that mediators try to push you into a court room battle because this is in their financial interest.

This is odd thinking the point of mediation is not get into a court room, that kind of defeats their purpose, at lease where I am.

Benjamin701 · 2020-02-13T07:26:11+00:00

The first time I hear that the goal of the mediator is to delay the process and cause disputes.

In fact, they are hired only for the purpose of reducing disputes and coming to an agreement, and only for this purpose. In most cases, this works, since you will not delay a long trial. It's even financially profitable. My friend used this mediator to resolve some civil disputes, and was completely satisfied

globalexpresspilot · 2020-02-28T05:08:10+00:00

I still don’t know where to start in my situation. Have decided I want a divorce, don’t know first step, but I do know I don’t want to waste attorney fees if we can mediate or whatever it’s called.

What are the steps? Contact mediator/attorney who does everything?

I’m overwhelmed with all the processes and paperwork I hear of on this forum, like separation agreement, settlement, filing, etc etc.

I’m so depressed on how to announce it to her, I want to move out to establish separation. And moving money around, canceling credit cards, stuff like that, I can see just really pissing her off.

Would really appreciate advice.

I’ve got major assets and we have a house that would have to be sold.

I’ve talked on phone to one attorney but I just don’t remember everything he said. It wasn’t clear what first step is.

ranobekalb · 2020-02-07T20:59:57+00:00

We didn't' even use a mediator. Decided the division of assets and child custody between the two of us and had a lawyer write it up and got it notarized. Turned out great for my benefit as she wasn't really fighting for much, due to the guilt of being a cheating whore.

Title	Does mediation work?
Author	HalfOffOffer
Upvotes	8
Comments	34
Date	February 7, 2020 12:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/f09krw/does_mediation_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-mediation-work.818647 https://theredarchive.com/post/818647

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