Fears that kept you from pulling the plug?

TipHeftyMan · 2023-03-12T16:56:32+00:00

It sounds like you don't have much to lose right now, best not wait another 10 years until you have built up significant assets.

Rjs617 · 2023-03-12T17:33:28+00:00

It was the usual: Didn’t want to “fail” at marriage. Didn’t want our son to have a broken home. Didn’t want to lose my savings. Didn’t want to end up paying support to my non-working spouse. Was afraid I’d be lonely. Hoping we could turn the marriage around.

The divorce was worse than I feared. My ex went scorched earth, tried to take my son and everything else from me, destroyed records, emptied bank accounts, and just generally acted like a psycho.

Five years later, my son lives with me, and though I am alone, it is by choice. It is way better than coming home to chaos and abuse, and I’m having just as much sex, which is to say none.

I had savings from before the marriage, and managed to get that back, but had to split marital assets. So, lost a lot of money, and retirement is up in the air. I’ll figure it out.

The only parts that continues to suck is our son has emotional issues from the divorce (though who knows, some might just be him), and I am paying over half my take home pay to my ex in support, much of which is protection money so she’ll leave our son alone. She also hasn’t found employment, though she is employable. I’m not sure how long she plans to ride this gravy train, but probably as long as I let her.

A battle over support is looming on the horizon, and it promises to be horrible.

Meanwhile, the divorce was expensive both financially and emotionally. I don’t know if I’d say it was worth it, but more that it was necessary. I’m grateful every day that I don’t live with my ex anymore.

justaguywadog · 2023-03-12T16:57:39+00:00

Ya I feel you it just ruins you financially so like what's the point...plus my kids would hate me.

gnackered · 2023-03-13T14:14:09+00:00

Its a bunch of stuff that has held me back.

The marriage is okay (not great) about 60% of the time and truly awful 15%. Stoicism can be a curse.
I am close to retiring early and burnt out. Alimony would chain my to my job for a long time, despite the asset split being sufficient to support her. I have no problem with asset split or CS. If I can retire and wait a bit, then I can avoid indentured servitude.
Custody issues, my youngest has 4 years left in the house and probably less when you consider they get a voice. But I think my wife would fuck up his high school and try to move him out.
Cost of living. Housing is expensive here. She is a SAHM, I have tried to get her to go back to work but she won't do it.
Maybe it will get better when we are empty nesters. She is loaded up with anxiety, and when the kids are gone, maybe she gets more reasonable.
Not sure how it would be for the kids, especially my youngest. He is on the edge sometimes.
The worst one, I feel responsible for her and I am a bit of a "white knight".

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-03-13T14:40:09+00:00

I wanted to get divorced for years before it happened. I was scared of a few things.

Parenting. I knew I’d miss my kids desperately and couldn’t stand the idea of not seeing them every day.
Money. I make a decent living and have a lot in savings/retirement. I was worried about the financial hit.
A new dad. Related to the parenting thing, I thought my ex would shack up with another guy right away and I’d need to compete with the new guy for being a dad.
Going it alone. For as much as I hated my ex and my life with her, I knew she did a lot for our family.

I’ve been divorced about a year now. The parenting plan and schedule works great for me. Because I WFH and my ex doesn’t, the kids get off the bus with me every single day, so I see them every day except the odd weekend. I took a financial blow and I’m still recovering from it, and it’ll likely take me 5 years or so to get back to where I was. But I’m fine with that. Money isn’t hard to make, but time is impossible. My ex did indeed start dating a new guy right away. He’s been around the kids, but all that showed me is how I’m irreplaceable as dad. I thought it’d make me insecure, but it had the opposite effect.

Going it alone… I’ll be honest, there’s good and bad. There’s been a few times this year I silently wished to myself for help. Some things are harder alone. In fact a lot of things are harder alone. But it’s also more fulfilling and satisfying alone.

I do not regret it. I wish I had done it earlier honestly.

ToddPackersBrother · 2023-03-12T16:57:00+00:00

Do it now while you have small assets and can minimize alimony.

Trade off, she will poison the child against you and do anything to keep the cs train rolling and maximized.

warrior_up · 2023-03-12T19:09:16+00:00

You don't want to be back with her, trust me. Your mind is playing tricks because your new environment (for the time being) isn't familiar or comfortable. You're not used to being uncomfortable or alone back in the wild. All you're required to do right now is make it through the work day without losing your shit - fake it till you make it, because soon you'll start thriving again. You'll appreciate the blessing in disguise, and life without a person that constantly made you feel replaceable.

"Nothing like divorce to make a man out of you" it's not going to get better, it's gonna suck, your heart will get chewed up and spit out multiple times a week - but eventually you find your manhood and balls again. Start embracing being the lone wolf in a world with limitless opportunities that you've been hidden from living in the safe suburbs

OwnerAndMaster · 2023-03-12T17:11:51+00:00

Always file as early as possible, once you've decided you're unhappier with her than without her and she's unlikely to fix her side of the situation

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-03-12T17:53:41+00:00

Age of children. Being a single dad to infants or young children vs pre-teens or teens is a totally different ballgame.

RichardCleveland · 2023-03-13T13:23:21+00:00

It's looming, but;

Paying support for someone who has no interest in working. She happens to be MUCH more educated than me and fully capable. But has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want her life to change. I know she isn't going to get what she wants, but it's putting me in a rough position due to my kids. Also like many the idea of fucking handing over money to her to sit around painting her nails is infuriating.

Sex is also a big one. We rarely have sex anymore however, but the "idea" of fixing our marriage so that comes back is a big one. I know that isn't a crazy thought around here though.

Kids... ya the "stay together for the kids" cliche. That perhaps is the worst part, the idea of hurting them, causing so many issues (even moving schools) kills me.

And lastly throwing away so many years... 20 in my case. We have had our storms, but overall there are a hell of a lot of great memories. The pictures around the house break me when I am walking around. Seeing us so happy together on vacations... it's like where the fuck did this all go wrong.

All I know is find a therapist that is used to dealing with marriages and divorce. I did and it has helped a lot. She pretty much flipped everything around and said "what do you want?".

BadPsychNurse · 2023-03-13T23:29:40+00:00

Currently edging closer to the option of divorce. I’m so demoralised, decompensated, and unappreciated that I fantasise more often of living alone on my terms.

The thing that stops me is my stupid brain guilting me for ‘hurting’ her; also, I’m so tied up and integrated into her family, the fallout will be catastrophic.

I know I can live independently, have been for many months looking after her, the house, my health, and job.

I just don’t know how to initiate it

Title	Fears that kept you from pulling the plug?
Author	nomad_nuggz
Upvotes	9
Comments	23
Date	March 12, 2023 4:46 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11pj6if/fears_that_kept_you_from_pulling_the_plug/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/fears-that-kept-you-from-pulling-the-plug.1176503 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176503

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