How did you make it?

pg19792022 · 2022-03-10T18:11:04+00:00

It takes s lot, but you’ll do it. For me I left after 40 years. Once I said the words I want a divorce i pretty much had to leave that day. I already had most of my stuff boxed up but not in storage. I slept in my truck for 20 days and showered at work even though I had money to rent a place. Within a couple of weeks I moved my belongings into a storage facility. I split my paycheck with her and let her have an extra few thousand a month. I am the one that left, yeah, but it’s not like I wanted to- I was just tired of some things that I wasn’t willing to continue. After such a long time it really takes finality in your decision. No wish washy BS. I finally got an apartment. I’m hanging with friends. I visit family. I reached out to everyone on her side of the family- and nobody sees me at fault or has a bad word to say. I guess they know their sister pretty well. I’m moving on. She’s still stuck at the anger stage. It’s been six months. No kids btw.

We each have a lawyer and are going through process. It should be over soon and I’ll be leaving the state to be near my family. I’m sixty years old and frankly I’m looking forward not back. I think this is key. My advice is to acknowledge the range of emotions you’ll go through. It’s easier when you realize it’s a process you’re going to go through. You and your situation are not unique.

Don’t get into drugs or more than social drinking. Do stuff you couldn’t do before- visit the beach, take walks. Stuff like that. As a side point you have to realize that you have nothing to offer another female at this point. That will come later.

If you don’t have friends, try volunteering as meals on wheels or the animal shelter. Something to get out and not get stale sitting at home. Stay strong mentally as best you can, but know it’s ok to be sad occasionally. Good luck my friend.

sicrm · 2022-03-10T18:09:29+00:00

cheating on both sides 9 years into it and no kids?

run and don’t look look back. don’t be another cautionary tale of someone who passed on a great exit point and regretted it.

azwildcat74 · 2022-03-10T18:30:43+00:00

You need to change your whole mindset here. You're not "asking for" anything. You're TELLING HER this is what's going to happen. It doesn't take 2 people to do.

Dell_Hell · 2022-03-10T18:59:45+00:00

The first affair should have been the end of it.

Given that you didn't call her out, I'm gonna guess you were the first one to cheat and hers was the revenge affair?

relationshiptossoutt · 2022-03-10T19:05:51+00:00

My experience is hugely different from yours, so I’m not sure if my advice will even make sense here. I was married 12 years, but we had 2 kids and significant assets. In my case, both my ex and I knew we’d hit the end of our road in our relationship. Neither of us were all that sad about it when we decided to end it. Neither had those passionate pleas to stay.

I’ve been divorced just a few weeks now, but I have no regrets at all. Sometimes I have some thoughts about what I should’ve done to save things, but I think these moments of introspection are good. I probably could have taken more steps to save the marriage, but ultimately leaving the marriage was the right call. I’m still happy with my decision and have really intense moments of happiness occasionally when I think of where my life is now compared to just a few months ago.

My advice is to try your best to keep things civil and friendly. Show softness towards her but not love, if that makes sense. That phase of your relationship is over, but you can still have empathy. I’d push her to make the first offer of what she’s wanting in the divorce. For me, I agreed with her offer 100%, and ultimately was a much better offer for me than her. I just agreed to whatever. After that she would sometimes add in additional money and here and there, I’d just agree. I saved thousands by being generous honestly, that money was either going to her or an attorney so whatever.

I have kids so I can’t fully separate from my ex in the way you’d hope. I see her often and text daily, even if it’s just a text or two. For me, I found it pretty easy to emotionally detach from her. She’s my kids’ mom, and I have empathy and kindness for her and I’d treat her the way I’d treat any good friend, but I have no love left and haven’t for a while.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-03-10T22:35:16+00:00

Stick to your guns. I did so, because I was miserable and she was abusive and controlling. We have a young son together and she is always using him as a pawn, even after the divorce. It may be hard at first since your life was so intertwined with hers. (Mine was 15 years, married 9). It was hard financially, still is a year out now, but I'm better in many ways. Work on improving yourself. Skills, hobbies, work. Join forums or local groups where you can interact, make friends. Do look into therapy, it may be beneficial because there probably is some anger and resentment. You need to get rid of that. For you, not for her benefit. Lastly, write down a list of all the things she did that pissed you off, if she was controlling, manipulative, why you ended it just in case down the road you start to ponder if you made a bad decision. I look at my list and realize I probably extended my life 25+ years by leaving Dodge.

CantCopeAnymore24 · 2022-03-11T03:54:11+00:00

I can only speak for myself. I was able to make it knowing that I put In every possible effort to make it work. Our family had been dysfunctional for a long time. Our (now 5yo) daughter has had developmental problems because of it, And seeing the window to correct these problems in her closing, I had to choose between the best well being of my daughter and the best well being of my spouse. I chose my daughter.

I will now able to provide proper health care and dental care care and other financial Support for my daughter that was otherwise going to a Financial vacuum.

It can be hard to let go.My divorce was only finalized last month. But you have to stay strong next to your decision. You made it for a reason. And if you go back the reason will come back as well.

Do your best to keep things amicable. It will be hard knowing that you will be hurting both of you during this Time, But it is only a phase. Find a source of support for you wherever That is. Family friends or somewhere else. They can help With the 2nd guessing Thoughts and guilt.

TZ879 · 2022-03-11T04:59:22+00:00

1) Both of you need to get back to the religion of which you were raised 2) Sincerely apologize to one another for the hurt you both have caused; and then truly forgive one another 3) Attend marriage counseling and individual counseling 3) Commit to improving yourselves and your marriage 4) Do not get divorced

SwamiSweatSocks · 2022-03-10T17:54:17+00:00

The situation is different for everyone Do you have kids, assets? Long term marriage? Are you a high earner and have a stay at home wife? Contested divorce? A lot of considerations. Try starting with an attorney consult is my suggestion.

askingforafreddit · 2022-03-10T21:17:13+00:00

These gents speak the truth. Some great advice here.

I'll add this: you've both been hit by an emotional bombshell and you should absolutely expect to feel confused and conflicted at times. It's normal, its how we as humans react to things like this, part of our wiring so to speak. Once you understand this, you can more easily compartmentalize your emotional/hard-wired reactions (guilt, anger, sadness) from what you know to be logical reasoning (divorce is not a topic broached lightly, so you know that you put a lot of rational thought into your reasoning before you moved ahead).

If necessary, remind yourself repeatedly of that rational reasoning each day, or whenever you feel that pang of guilt or start questioning your decision. Your guilt or indecision ends as soon as your train of thought reaches whatever idea it was that precipitated the divorce process, such as your realization that infidelity has no place in an enduring and long-lasting relationship, let alone mutual infidelity. Over time, you reach that idea more and more quickly, and in turn you spend less and less time dwelling on guilt and second thoughts. Eventually, the emotional reactions simply have no place in your mind, and you replace them with forward-looking ideas, some of which may indirectly benefit your STBXW, but primarily are to help you move on.

Classic_Dill · 2022-03-10T23:41:13+00:00

Sounds like you're both kind of crummy.

didyoucurbthewheels · 2022-03-11T02:52:11+00:00

I don't even think I'll make it.

roypdx · 2022-03-11T05:34:46+00:00

Whatever you do it, do it soon. 10 years is the point where in some states it's considered a long-term marriage and the alimony rules can change dramatically

Title	How did you make it?
Author	camilorome
Upvotes	7
Comments	17
Date	March 10, 2022 5:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tb41za/how_did_you_make_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-did-you-make-it.1210551 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210551

Comments