I am not sure what to do anymore. I have worked so hard for everything we had, I was a very good provider - self-employed, working hard, not much vacation.

Now I sit in an empty house that I can barely afford to keep. I did everything wrong in the divorce. I was completely blindsided. 10 years, 2 small kids. Suddenly "I am not happy anymore".

Only later I found out that this was code for "I fancy another man's cock" which she already had locked in at that point. She used to go to some week long seminar for some personality development shit (NLP self brain washing). I worked full time and took care of the kids while she was away.

The divorce was a shit-show. I did not get a lawyer because I was scared of escalating the situation and just getting coaxed into a huge, expensive, drawn-out court-fight by a lawyer who only wants to make a big buck on my back. So I got what is called "amicable divorce" here in Western Europe.

Since I was the main bread winner and completely overwhelmed by everything (including the though of raising the kids while working full time and somehow paying for a fucking house) she had a very easy game convincing me that it would be best she keeps majority custody and I will be able to see the kids every other weekend and above that whenever I want and time permits. She would get a flat in the same city, in the vicinity. "The kids can visit when they are a bit older and can just drive a few minutes on their bikes to see you whenever".

That sounded like a good outlook in a very bleak situation.

I did not know that she could just move away with the kids as majority custody holder in Europe and I could not do anything about it.

Three months after the divorce was finalized, she just wrote me an email that she would now move to her "new" boyfriend 200kms away. I went to a lawyer then who just commenced laughing at me. He found it funny that I thought I had any rights in the matter I guess.

I dont know where I am going with any of this. Just rambling. Sorry.

It is now three years later. I see the kids every other weekend. She holds it over me that she is not even legally obligated to meet me half way when exchanging them. So basically I would have to drive 4h to fetch them on Friday and then 4h to bring them back. But because she is such an amicable person, we meet in the middle and I "only" have to drive 4 hours per kids weekend.

The kids are 8 and 10 years old by the way. They were just 4 and 6 (almost 5 and 7) when she decided to completely blow our life up to "find herself" and "live her best life" and all that shit I had to swallow.

I am paying 35% of my yearly net income - it will soon be 40%. I have no way of actually keeping the house - and if I even manage that, there will not be enough money to properly maintain it (its 40 years old, so is the heating and everything else).

Until yesterday I was at least able to really really earn good money as a freelance software developer. But yesterday my immediate boss told me that the higher-ups are questioning my status as freelancer and want to have me as a fixed employee. This would come with a huge pay loss because that is just the schema for employees and the don't accept that I earn more than my colleagues. It is fair and valid, I was just lucky to land that gig anyway.

But now I face definitely losing the house and I don't even know what to do anymore. That was the only thing I ever had "achieved". I worked my ass off to provide a "perfect" life for our little family.

A fucking house in the suburbs, picket fence, back yard. NOBODY else could even do that. In this economy? She was not contributing a lot to it either - I was the main provider for "our little dream".

Which means she actually got to leverage the equity of the house (what was already paid off of the mortgage at the time of divorce) also against me and I had to pay her 100k (all the money I had in liquidity).

So I am broke, I got a huge mortgage, I got to pay 2k per month, I see my kids every other weekend (and I love them very much and cherish our time).

I will lose the house and they will lose the last bit of "familiarity" from before everything exploded. I will also lose everything thats familiar and I had worked so hard for. I will be a renter for the rest of my days.

Ok, thanks for getting this far. It is just venting.
I will probably not kill myself, but I am thinking about it almost daily. Could not sleep more than three hours today.
I hate my life.

Please please please - never get married. I did not even remotely see that coming when I got on one knee like a retard, promising her the world, GIVING her the world while not expecting anything in return except some loyalty and fidelity.