I don’t know how to do this?

Morphy2222 · 2026-05-13T19:42:58+00:00

Just saw she had an affair. Was it a physical or an emotional affair? If it was emotional there might be something to save. If it was physical then most likely it’s done bud.

streetsmartwallaby · 2026-05-13T19:08:13+00:00

You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason at all. Or even no reason at all. But you – you have a pretty good reason.

My wife struggled with mental health and substance abuse issues before during and after our separation; it was the reason for the separation. Our children were no longer safe around her.

She was homeless at times and it sucked for sure but I always made sure she could see the children when she was clean and sober. That was an absolute.

Having firm boundaries is a good thing not a bad thing. You cannot control how your wife will react to this and you are not responsible for her reactions to it either as long as you act in a compassionate manner. This does not mean, by the way, being a pushover and letting her walk all over you.

Minimum_Step5048 · 2026-05-13T18:33:34+00:00

Why did you lose all trust in her? Can you elaborate?
I understand you’re basically done, but is it lack of intimacy? Is she making any effort on the relationship?

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-05-13T17:42:48+00:00

If she cheated, you don’t need to go into anything beyond that. Just own it. There’s millions of guys out there that left cheating wives for no other reason. It’s not what you signed up for and you are out. Period. Just don’t make it about anything else.

akihonj · 2026-05-13T17:17:31+00:00

You're going to have to be brutal here and keep in mind her choices are not your responsibility, all you can do is be responsible for you and your kids.

Meaning of she harms herself that's her choice and what you need to do is to see that in its totality which is that it's a manipulative behaviour which is abusive, it's making you a prisoner in your own home and relationship.

painfulletdown · 2026-05-13T16:57:19+00:00

dont tell her you are filing - just go do it asap. i did that and my ex ran to her lawyer to file first to control the narrative and start hostilities

Rare_Psychology_8853 · 2026-05-13T16:51:12+00:00

Can you afford and access a therapist? You need one. You need someone in your corner as you navigate a divorce with someone who is either genuinely suicidal at times or who is not above using a suicide threat to manipulate you. If she is the latter, prepare for a rough time. Prepare means get your ducks in a row before tipping her off, and hire a therapist and a lawyer from the start.

If she is out on the streets it will be by her own choice and you will need to intervene for your children’s sake. I know you love your wife but if you’re actually going to leave her then put the bleeding heart away and talk to your lawyer. You can ask them about the what ifs. But know that after a divorce, she is not your responsibility anymore. If she is financially irresponsible, she is a liability to you and your kids and your lawyer will have a perspective on that. Your therapist will also have a perspective on how you need to maintain boundaries and not take responsibility for her stuff.

Document any and all suicide threats going forward. Call the police if she threatens it. They will handle her and a report will be made. You need to be vigilant. Some people like your wife will make allegations against you in a divorce.

DarthDad25 · 2026-05-13T16:18:39+00:00

The only thing you mentioned being unhappy about is her not being able to handle your mental health appropriately. Are you handling your mental health appropriately? Why is this her burden to carry? This is your mental health, not hers. If you’re relying on external factors or people to solve your problems, the. YOU are the problem.

Secondly, if you struggle with mental health, how will divorcing help your health any? Seems traumatic. And losing out on half the kids upbringing isn’t going to help.

Lastly, I would never recommend making such a large, life altering decision (which also alters your children), while in an unhealthy state of mind. Focus on getting yourself healed and strong again. When you’re once again self sufficient, and you still feel like you need a divorce- that will give you your answer. But why make this decision when you’re not mentally in a strong place to make it?

Mundane_Reality8461 · 2026-05-13T15:48:50+00:00

Hey man sounds rather similar to me. About the same amount of time together, I’m the breadwinner, I’ve lost all trust in her, each others firsts, my mental heath has never been of interest to her, she’s harmed herself before.

It’s tough.

I’m doing it because I have to prioritize myself. I have to keep myself from losing my mind.

Regarding living in Baton Rouge. I’ve spent time there for work in recent years and I understand what you’re saying. I think there is a lot we put on ourselves about us being the ones to protect our families. I don’t give my wife enough credit on that, and I’m just realizing it now.

miami2881 · 2026-05-13T15:45:36+00:00

Congratulations on your first steps to upcoming peace and freedom! The divorce is going to be rough but it will all be worth it.

ProofConnect6521 · 2026-05-13T15:41:23+00:00

She’s not gonna be on the streets buddy. She’s going to get at least 50% custody, child support, and possibly spousal support depending your states laws. She also gets half of whatever stuff you guys accumulated through the marriage. Also plan on possibly paying her legal fees for this divorce. If it is contentious which it likely will be…go ahead and plan for $50,000 between the two of you. Maybe you can get it done for $20,000 if the universe is kind to you. Maybe it costs $100,000 like it did me.

Haha…playing with fire my brother. Go get a girlfriend and chill out.

Then you’ll have an ex wife that threatens to harm herself over divorce shacking up with other dudes around your children. You will have no control over and it no say.

Being the bread winner is not a strong point going into divorce lol.

Title	I don’t know how to do this?
Author	Remarkable-Ad5771
Upvotes	9
Comments	27
Date	May 13, 2026 3:33 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tc36c8/i_dont_know_how_to_do_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-dont-know-how-to-do-this.1580321 https://theredarchive.com/post/1580321

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