I need to know something.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2024-12-07T17:00:33+00:00

It doesn’t have to be after the wedding that trouble was setting in. I knew she wasn’t the one from the get go, however I was too young and stupid. We had kids, and it wasn’t a bad relationship, until recent years. Everyone always asked me why I picked her, guess I was blind, now I can see why. For the sake of family I stay and let things slide to keep the peace - lots to work on for myself, therapy helped. Captain save a ho complex. Advice don’t save no damsel.

With the way women are now, staying single or not getting married is the best path. Until you really meet someone who have the same values as you. I would recommend before getting serious go to couple therapy so you two can see if you are compatible. CT isn’t always used for when shit goes south. You can use it to build the foundation not fix.

Acceptable_Dog4015 · 2024-12-07T16:05:42+00:00

For me, I knew about 6months in. There were signs in the beginning and I was really naive. I have (or had at least) a very positive demeanor and am very agreeable. She is very dominating and dogmatic. I thought that our personalities would eventually balance out. But she would make very small issues into big problems. Then the solution wasn’t good enough. Then an even small problem was an even larger issue. And the resolution she wanted became more and more unrealistic. Getting on hands and knees to ask for forgiveness… eventually I lacked all self respect and was suicidal.

Find someone who respects you and someone who you can have a disagreement with, but come to a coming resolution. Or stay single and casually date every once and a while

OkBreakfast4747 · 2024-12-07T15:33:39+00:00

Looking back… I realize that there were signs that its not gonna workout when we were dating. After all these years of being married, I realize that I have been stupid to have ignored those signs. I was naive, in romantic love and overpowered by hormones. Life is hard but if you are in a wrong marriage then life is horrible. With kids and all, the whole thing looks like a trap.

The first signs, which I didn’t see then, was that she was never emotionally invested in me. She is very transactional and business like whereas I am the emotional kind. I was 30 when getting married and was not mature enough to take on responsibilities of a family man. I was and am unorganized and forgetful which do not work well in a marriage if you do not have an understanding partner.

I first realized that its f*ckd up when she lost faith and tried to control every aspect of my life and I tried hard to not become her puppet. It was important for me to take time and grow with the responsibilities that I wasn’t ready for and it was important for her to make everything perfect right away.

Rugger2row · 2024-12-07T13:37:55+00:00

Parenthood made it harder for me to balance my emotions and that really paved the way for more distance. I guess I thought that when the children got older we would find our way back to each other, unfortunately she had been holding on to a lot of pain and resentment over the years which has led to where we are now. Two people in a house waiting until after the holidays to start the dissolution. My kids are 5 and 7 so neither of us wants to ruin Christmas for them.

yes2matt · 2024-12-07T11:41:27+00:00

After the engagement ring. If I had been thinking right I would have honored my own misgivings and at least pushed the big pause button. Here are some questions from another thread you ought to have in mind:

How do her parents treat each other? This was her model growing up, and while she is not her parents, she will act out theor dynamic when shit gets hard. And shit always gets hard.

How do her friends talk about guys and dating? 100% guarantee that's how she is talking about you. If she was different, she would have different friends.

I think you are in the right sub. Here's what guys round here tell each other. * get in the gym, be at or near peak physical fitness, prioritize it. * hang out with guys, male friends doing male things, outdoor or risky or fuel-consuming or ammo-consuming or dog food-consuming activities. * be about what you are about. She needs to be competing for your time and attention, not filling a bored spot.

dnbndnb · 2024-12-07T06:49:41+00:00

~50% of marriages end in divorce with 70-80% of those initiated by the women.

That leaves the other 50%. Of those I’d only guess half are not b necessary happy, but not so miserable as to call it quits. Some may be married for economic reasons only.

So maybe, again I’m only guessing, 25% of marriages are in a positive footing. The question then becomes what makes those work?

There are a number of reasons:

1) excellent communication by both partners 2) shared ideas, ideals & values 3) likely both not emotionally scarred by life or family upbringing 4) sufficing money 5) sufficient time together regularly in positive joint activities 6) no drama issues like alcoholism, cheating, severely dysfunctional children etc 7) she continues to allow him to lead, and he leads in a positive fashion 8) he continues to “date” her and make her a priority 9) both people value their partnership

Probably more but I’m guessing many of these are common to happy marriages.

I can say I definitely failed on some of them, and my ex- clearly failed on many more.

Charming_Rest_7334 · 2024-12-07T05:56:20+00:00

That’s shitty. I’ve met plenty of woman that were cool but then changed after they knew I was on board. It’s always a power struggle. If you’re an alpha woman looking for an alpha man, don’t kid yourself.
Lady’s should not bait and switch. I married a hot submissive Indian woman, with hazel eyes. I gave up on the hot blondes.

Car_fixing_guy · 2024-12-07T05:47:12+00:00

I’m sure a lot us were in the same boat. We were still in the limerence period when we got married. Once that wore off, it felt like, omg, what have I done?

CRobinsFly · 2024-12-07T05:28:21+00:00

Just use the rules of thumb "7 year itch" or "after a child, she changes".

It's that simple.

Just don't get married and get a vasectomy too, while you're at it.

SireSweet · 2024-12-07T05:03:51+00:00

From my point of view, I had realized the night of getting married. We weren’t sexually compatible. I had to force myself to orgasm, even gone as far as to think of other people. Sex was bad. She didn’t like going down on me, she didn’t like me to go down on her unless very specific conditions were met.

But afterwards, I was trying to get my career in order. She would be paranoid about me working long hours. As studying for certificates and costly exams to try to get ahead of the curve wasn’t “work”

She can’t hold down a job. Still can’t. To be fair she was working when I met her.

The first nail in the coffin was her being with another guy and gaslighting me that it was “all your fault.”

No_Pace2396 · 2024-12-07T04:48:24+00:00

According to her, from the day we met.

GetMeOutOfCA · 2024-12-07T04:45:45+00:00

In hindsight (24 years married, divorce to be finalized in about 3 months) probably 4 years in after birth of second child...

Confident-Crawdad · 2024-12-07T03:58:34+00:00

March 11th of this year.

After 28 years of marriage and 34 years together, she ghosted me. The last thing she said to me was on the 11th. "V busy".

If I were totally honest, I had a sense of foreboding before then but no damn idea she'd do what she did.

I still can't wrap my head around it.

Title	I need to know something.
Author	LeatherGeneral
Upvotes	1
Comments	20
Date	December 7, 2024 3:45 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1h8juc4/i_need_to_know_something/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-to-know-something.1537822 https://theredarchive.com/post/1537822

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