I'm not healed

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-09-20T17:20:11+00:00

I'm sad to hear that. I'm only 14 months into the divorce, but I feel better now than before. Have you noticed that it has gotten at least a bit easier over time?

For me, I had stages during the process that felt like healing milestones. I cycled back and forth through the stages of grief, but once I got used to waking up alone and expecting it, I eventually got through the denial phase. Then I eventually came to grips with (or became numb to) the feelings of pure anger from her affair. I had a blood lust for her and AP that made me sweat through the night and white-knuckle my sheets. It passed. I still have anger, but I don't thrash with it anymore. Then I came to grips with the options before me. Even if she wanted to come back I would never trust her or feel the same, since I was not her first choice anymore. I'd still want the divorce even if she didn't, which gave me power. I could say, "I want this divorce."

I recently had an epiphany moment that healed a lot of my pain. I was sitting on my couch and I realized I was happy. I had been happy before through this, so I knew it would wax and wane, but I really felt at peace despite the thoughts of my wife abandoning me. I realized I had begun to enjoy more things than not, which was hugely pivotal for me, because it meant I was truly healing and moving on with my life.

My therapist helped me reason out that I was addicted to the anger. I wouldn't let go no matter what. That gave me power too. I was no longer at the mercy of my anger or afraid of it consuming me because it was mine. I wanted it. I learned to think about it as a motivating force, since that's what anger is, which made it a positive thing rather than destructive.

I hope this helps. I wish I could send this story back in time 14 months and tell myself it will be okay, even if its not the same. But this is something that has to be learned for one's self. No amount of teaching can convince someone that they will survive this pain.

redshoetom · 2023-09-20T17:46:09+00:00

You not healed because you’re not letting yourself be healed. You have to build your confidence and self esteem. You say you go to church. Let god do his work and heal you. Get into jujitsu. I literally tell that to everybody, even guys not going through a divorce. Reclaim your manhood and you’ll heal.

computergeek89 · 2023-09-20T17:30:19+00:00

I get it brother. While I feel like I am doing better I don't see me ever fully getting over my wife. My divorce is final tomorrow at 10:00 AM so ask me again tomorrow how I feel. LOL

I do get what you are saying. Love deep, hurt deep and I gave my whole self to my wife of 34 years. I also have zero interest in even trying to do this again.

techrmd3 · 2023-09-20T17:15:39+00:00

Sometimes it takes an extended time to heal. No one but you can know when it's right to date.

But if it helps being a musician and church going is highly attractive to certain women. You will probably have no issues finding women when you start dating.

WillyT_21 · 2023-09-20T20:06:21+00:00

I don't look at my marriage as a failure. I had no control over her cheating and checking out. I loved her till the very end. I just don't subscribe to that verbiage. I get it....it wasn't a success. Well how do you know? My divorce is far more peaceful and joyous in 2 years of divorce than 21 years of marriage. I was comfortably miserable in marriage. Never again.

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-09-20T20:46:28+00:00

I'm at almost a year and a half and I feel the same. Motivation is my problem. I set goals and can't get myself to see any reason to accomplish them. I feel burned while I sit here and watch her live her best life. Time heals they say. So ill keep trying if only just for my kids. At least snuggling with them a couple days a week makes it worth sticking around for.

chestpubesandballfro · 2023-09-20T21:36:10+00:00

Totally normal reaction, my guy!

My x cheated with my bff.

It crushed me.

Some days I wish we could have worked it out.

Other days I have nightmares of the stink of his junk all up in her….

My faith pulled me out of the darkest hour!

Know there is a bigger plan for Me, believing in the same for you✌🏻

Iwanttotriplikeu · 2023-09-21T04:52:07+00:00

I'm far from healed. My was love was deep hers was shallow. I took the vows to heart, she never took them seriously. I thought she just relapsed. But two months ago I found out there was another guy. Facebook friends. Soneone I knew and trusted. It's unbelievable who she has turned into. The kids were 17,19 and 22 when it happened. So sad.

Select-Temperature66 · 2023-09-21T15:00:34+00:00

I'm only a few weeks out from discovering the affair. Took a week away to get my mind straight.

It's literally time to live my best life. I have a plan and I'm going to execute with precision.

I put my entire being into the marriage. No regrets and things did have their highs and lows along the way. Before the discovery, I had expressed we might be better off splitting up. Hyper focused on her career vs living the easy life with a healthy work life balance.

She had been in an emotional affair for a month or so by that time.

Now that all the dirty laundry is out... Fuck it I don't have time to waste feeling sorry for myself. Sucks it had to end that way but it's literally out of my control that she let some dude into her life.

Working on nailing down the separation agreement within the next week.

To me, the writing was on the wall and once that line of infidelity was crossed, it was like the bandaid was ripped off vs a sad breakup. Hurts but the pain is less every day.

Find your own peace. Actively seek it. I'm not a church guy, but I wouldn't invest any energy that God or something like that will heal you. Be practical and take the suggestions from everyone here. Workout, knock things off your bucket list, ensure financial stability. Therapy if you need to get your mind right. Shit, go eat some shrooms and rediscover yourself through psychedelics. You got this!

Effective_Soil7645 · 2023-09-20T23:37:46+00:00

I feel you. Started talking to a woman recently, and it's sending my anxiety into overdrive. She's pretty, been cool so far, and seems interested. But I feel like it is just going to end with one of us breaking it off, so why bother? It just feels like it would be easier to be alone.

No one to worry about hurting. No one to worry about being hurt by.

I know that's not what I ultimately want though, so I'm just moving forward at my own pace. Trying to think of things in a way that lets me look forward to them. For instance, at some point we'll want to have sex, but both of us have little personal space in our homes due to our kids. I haven't traveled much, so it might be nice to take a short weekend trip somewhere scenic. Things feel a little less foreboding if I tie them to things I want to do anyway.

SingingBird420 · 2023-09-21T16:18:01+00:00

Please god tell me it's not going to be like this for two god damn years

Title	I'm not healed
Author	Confident_Forever276
Upvotes	24
Comments	18
Date	September 20, 2023 5:02 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16nqibv/im_not_healed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/im-not-healed.1232424 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232424

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