I’m (m 34) who filed for divorce in 2019 and finalized in Sept 2020. My ex (f 32) at the time of filing had been having multiple affairs, I knew something was up because numerous friends and family would see her with her now and current gf (f 39) always kissing holding hands and doing everything me and my wife should have been. Now to fully understand this I need to lay some back story

When me and my ex wife dated we met from friends who were dating we met at our cities triple a baseball team had some drinks and hooked up at her friends house. A week later ( I should have seen as a red flag) came down with the clap, we talked about it and it was water under the bridge. She kept saying she didn’t want a bf or to date but I continued to pursue her I loved her the moment i laid eyes on her she was my goddess i worshipped the ground she walked on. Eventually we started dating, and knew we wanted marriage. She off the bat tells me if I wanted to marry her one day I needed to make as much money as she did, now I didn’t have a college education and had a mis offense that would hurt me getting jobs. Eventually I got a job that landed me with 5k a month, but it took me to work out of town 15-20 days a month. I met her first standard in matching her pay, second our sex life suffered because she was living with her parents so she said “if you want to have intimacy and kids with me buy me a house and we can have all the time we want”. So I buy her our home, then came the actual time we get married and start living together. I’m still working out of town (to pay all the bills, half the mortgage, her alcohol habits, going out, trips, jewelry etc) we still don’t have sex and starts making claims that I’m not (A real man) because I have to be reminded to do things around the house so I’m not worthy and don’t deserve “her flower”. Her drinking catches up to her and she slowly turns into more of an alcoholic than she already is and combines excessive drinking with excessive marijuana use. It has gotten to the point shed only kiss me love me touch me when she’s under the influence and even when she did I would become the victim of domestic and verbal abuse calling me a “fa#” and would punch and kick me under the belt. Keep in mind she continues to blame my “failures” as a husband to why we have no kids no intimacy the reason our marriage is failing on me. I tried finding work home and actually found a job but decided not to take it because it came to a point that being away from home kept me from killing myself.

Now fast forward into 1.8 years into our marriage, I had my suspicions she was having affairs she was always out drinking would always take drinks from other people and one particular conversation I overheard when she had gotten pulled over the cop asked her why a man was following her home and said they had met at the bar. So that coupled with all the other stuff I knew I set up cameras in my home and caught her. She wasn’t empathetic and told me “if you wanna kill yourself do it” strong words from someone who is an LVN and supposedly loved me. Now she’s still with the woman she left me for and I often see how happy she is thru pictures and if I’m being honest it boils my blood. Why does she get to ride of into the sunset happily ever after while I had to live with a rope around my neck contemplating if today was the day I was gonna eat a bullet. Why is it that someone who did me so dirty gets to be so happy while I fight every day to beat my depression my ptsd my anxiety and the trauma she put me thru. Don’t get me wrong I still love her just not the person she is now and on our anniversaries I mourn it as a loved one who passed. I’ve moved on and living my life … going to school and hopefully one day get my EMT but sometimes I still wish things would fall apart she’d see how evil she was with me then make up and try again or at least have karma pay her a much needed visit but it doesn’t happen