Looking for wisdom/encouragement

Doubledolla · 2023-06-15T19:39:52+00:00

People are like the weather you can't control it/them you just gotta deal with it/them.

Man I feel for you. Especially right now in a state of limbo. This is such a hard stage as your entire future is up in the air with so many tangents and possibilities. The feeling is gut wrenching. The one main future that you've focused on for years has been shattered and that vision is now so far away. The feeling of loss is alot. Especially when your here doing, loving, trying....... Going through past actions....regrets. Oh the could haves. It's consuming. Anxiety, loss of sleep.

Feel it but only for a few min and pick yourself up and just take literally 1 step at a time. It's hard but don't focus on her. Introspection is your best friend. We all have room to grow and it's starts now. Don't focus on her. Seriously don't ask if she wants to share a meal, don't check social media, don't gives 2 sh!ts what she is doing or where she is at. You are important! A stronger you is the best thing for you or anyone that may be in your future, being her or someone new. The feeling now will not just dissappear but the more you love and focus on bettering yourself the further the pain and sooner the recovery begins. Slowly it gets better with how much better you are at loving you. That's the key with all this bull you are gonna deal with. The better you are the less any actions or words she has mean less because you have a bright future. It doesn't feel like it now but your choice to love and better yourself is the most powerful choice you can make right NOW! Your going to try to find beauty in all the things before this moment. Focusing on negatives is hard but needs to be brought to the forefront because you've suppressed them to a fault.

You can't wait for her to make a decision. You have to choose you right fucking now. All those things in your house, the house itself, it's just stuff. Get outta there and get to your life and friends. Friends are important but dont puke all your emotions all the time focus on that new future. Get in shape if your slouching. We can all do more even if your regularly working out. Physical activity is key. Getting outside is crucial. Walks hikes. Try to find a close summit hike as it's so rewarding to be on top where you belong. The living situation will suck. Don't glorify her. Dont apologize for the past. Worst of all dont beg. Just walk on by and do you. She chose her life and you get to choose yours. With a better you comes so much contentment in being where you stand, where ever that might be. This plays out when meeting new people too. Confidence in yourself plays so much of a role in life not just now. You don't need her. If you value yourself and do you with full hearted intention, the rest falls into place around you. Sounds cliche but it's the realness. Go out and do things w/o telling her where ,who. Don't say what time you'll be home. Of course communicate as needed if kids are involved.

I would take a break from her regardless of what she's thinking, deciding.

I broke down in those times of non focused actions as your mind starts to wonder and it's sad AF. Again give yourself a few min bit then focus again on bettering you. When those thoughts would come up I'd drop and do 25 push ups..... if it's still there do it again and add some jumping Jack's. Can literally do this just about anywhere. Get outside and take the dog for a walk.

As the time passes and those check marks of separation get filled in the further the past and the closer YOUR new future is. Finding someone after going through this is so rewarding because you know more about yourself and your needs and what you are capable of but also knowing your limits when loving. Good luck- you will make it past all this

Standard-Cucumber264 · 2023-06-15T02:50:03+00:00

Of course it’s something that you never want. When we split it was difficult of course anybody that says different I would have a hard time believing. Especially if there are kids involved. The truth is when you finally choose peace, it’s gonna have a lot of goodbyes! And more thing maybe this will help you too- Let people do what they wanna do, so you see what they’d rather do. That’ll answer all the questions you have.

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-06-14T23:49:13+00:00

I was with the same person for almost 30 years, we drifted apart, went through an (unnecessarily) ugly divorce, and 1 year later, my life is much better.

The divorce was one of the most grueling things I've ever had to endure. It can be especially difficult for men, who often don't have the social support structures that women do. It's frustrating, lonely, and difficult, but it's also a good learning experience.

In my case, it really didn't take long to meet someone else, and she actually wants to spend time with me (unlike my ex).

No one gets divorced because things are working great. You get divorced in hopes of finding yourself in a better situation down the road, but there are no guarantees. That said, if I could go back and talk to myself, I'd say, "Ya, do it, you'll find someone better and be much happier."

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-06-14T21:42:56+00:00

When a woman says she wants a divorce under circumstances like yours it is usually very much over and has been for some time. There is no coming back when you are in this state of limbo. You are the man and as a man you should take action. On some level she will respect you more for doing so.

Filing the petition and having service of it being her first notice that you did it will be and emotional shock to her. She may be relieved or it possible that it will effect her feelings towards you realizing that she had now actually lost you and the relationship.

Obviously the old you did not work with the old her in this marriage.

Set sail in your new life’s voyage by divorcing her and finding and developing your new you. Set goals that you want and make plans to achieve them. Then take steps to implement those plans. There will be others that will want to make the voyage with you.

IAIM2023 · 2023-06-14T19:40:16+00:00

Hey man, I’m in a similar circumstance. I’ll be eligible to file within a month. All I can say is that these thoughts are a worthless exercise. You don’t have a choice. She has made up her mind and you must do your best to move on and be better off without her. Many people will say it’s too early to focus on other women, but I must say it has helped me gain some confidence and verify that she is not the last coke in the dessert. As time goes by she does seem less special. Especially after working on my health, fitness, career and actually dating other women that may be just as attractive (if not more) and do not put me down or mistreat me like my stbxw had been doing.

I still miss her but not with the same intensity. You also start seeing more clearly how fucked up their behavior is when they’re seeking divorce and trying to break you to get their way. It helps with getting over them when you realize they’re bad people. At least that was/is my case.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-06-14T17:39:49+00:00

I’m six months post separation. The beginning hurt like hell. An overwhelming feeling of rejection. Sadness that my family fell apart.

Now I am in peace. I am happier. I don’t have someone yelling at me for everything. I no longer feel that I need to walk on eggshells to keep her happy. I was worried too much of her happiness. I forged mine. I’m a much better dad. I’m on my way to being debt free. It’s a lot better dude. I still have bouts of sadness but it goes away.

Edit: this mofo is a grifter. Don’t believe shit. I’m keeping my comment in case an actual man that needs it reads it.

SpursChamps2025 · 2023-06-14T17:01:00+00:00

would you like to get her back? Sounds like that's definitely possible considering she still hasn't filed for divorce and it would make you feel a ton better.

Equal_Ad3945 · 2023-06-14T16:50:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ENFJSingle · 2023-06-14T16:50:47+00:00

I am not on the other side of divorce, but have currently going through it for the last (30 years) 2 months.

I too did not believe in divorce, but 2 things I have figured out in the last 2 months: "crazy finds crazy" and "broken finds broken".

Now we are all a little crazy and broken, but I have come to realize that I chose a partner to teach me the things I needed to learn.

What made the concept of divorce for me so difficult was that I think I couldn't understand a lot things about how we got to this point: Circular arguments, lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of intimacy, etc.

In all honesty, I believed I was working my ass of to be the best husband any woman could have: communicative, clean, fit, financially secure, etc.

What I was able to work through was that I was covertly doing all of these things in exchange for the one thing I longed for, which was for my wife to love me.

She always played me as the asshole, unfulfilling her needs, and a hoop and a bar that kept getting raised like she was training a circus animal.

What I finally realized is "Crazy finds crazy" and "Broken finds broken". I never realized until recently, that I had issues as a kid that have stuck with me as an adult. I used being athletic, smart, clean etc as a kid to win love. I thought this was how you got love. My father was a typical dad, for the time. He went to work, came home, watched TV, went to bed and played sports on his own on the weekends; not to involved with me unless I did something great in sports, school, etc.

My parents split and my mom bashed my father and insisted that I not turn out like him. She became a women's libber, demeaning to men and shouting from the rooftops how she was independent. Being a single mom, she also had me cook, clean and talk a lot about my feeling; much like she would have done if she had a daughter.

I of course like women so I dated them, went to female therapists, had female teachers, etc. And I continued to be a women pleaser, infact all of my information about me came from women.

Broken finds broken: I found my wife who very much emulated my family up-bringing. She was not needy, she has high standards, and does not offer love very easily. This of course felt very familiar and like a drug addict I fell in love with my drug of choice; working harder and becoming a better man to win her love...hopefully you are seeing the sickness in me. My wife for decades, told me it was all me, so I of course believed her.

What I have finally realized is she is also broken and she chose my broken for a reason. Now in the last couple of weeks we have confronted this and I was finally able to set some boundaries and come to peace with what was originally haunting me: an answer to why this marriage was truly failing. Not the what or how we were doing the things we were doing to each other, but the "why".

I love her and have been trying all these years to "win" her love; I now know I am loveable just the way I am, I know it is human to make mistakes and I know I deserve respect.

Out of love, I have given her 2 weeks to decide if she wants to work on her emotional unavailablity issues with me or to use that time to find an apartment to move into. Honestly, it came from a place of love and was talked about very caringly. But, I know my boundary is I have to have an emotionally available partner that I can communicate with and continue to build trust and intimacy with.

Her traumas were not as easy to see, like divorced parents, drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, etc. She and I have both been faithful, so I am able to forgive and be available to grow with her if she wants, but if not I am truly now at peace and not in the pain that I was in a couple of months ago if it ends because she can't or won't address the reasons she is broken.

My pain surrounding a divorce, was not being able to see the "why". I believe if you find the source of the why, you can stop repeating the cycle of finding other women to teach you the same lessons.

Maybe not what you were looking for, but I wanted to share how my pain has subsided.

jasoncb123 · 2023-06-14T16:19:32+00:00

I had a similar situation was told in April she wanted a divorce. Wouldn’t file, kept making BS excuses. I finally just did it myself and I served her personally, that was early July.

This was last year. Moved out that September and everything was done by February. House sold/closed last month.

It’s still hurting but it gets easier with time.

The idea that you wake up one morning and bad feelings are gone isn’t realistic. IMO

it’s more like an analog wavelength. Sometimes it’s up and sometimes down. Highest level is at point of origination, but with time distance and noise the signal degrades to a point of extinction.

Equal_Ad3945 · 2023-06-14T15:50:34+00:00

any one i have ever talked thru that went thru it... all of them have said its been better on the other side. every single one of them....

everyone moves at their own pace, but i havent met one person who had regret. in fact, the only regret was waiting so long. we all want that crystal ball, but remember what got you where you were at...

lastly - why wait for her to file? why dont you do it yourself? that way you can let the true healing begin.

Title	Looking for wisdom/encouragement
Author	Equal_Ad3945
Upvotes	7
Comments	18
Date	June 14, 2023 3:41 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/149b4cl/looking_for_wisdomencouragement/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/looking-for-wisdomencouragement.1222380 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222380

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