I still love her. I didn’t want it to end but it did.

I want to get back together, to get closure from whichever side. I see her, and still feel like every time, I was to hold her and love her. But I’m not allowed to, it’s not who we are. I have to give up my kid half the time and I’m so tired of it.

How do you all deal with it? Those who held on, did you ask one last time, or was the separation the closure, and I’m just in denial? I can’t believe we’re here, honestly. How did you guys get through it, every fucking day I’m surviving.

I’m not moving forward, sure better health, finances, job and whatever, but nothing fucking matters, I wanted my family, that is all. I have everything but the person I want to share it with. And why, why the fuck man? Why couldn’t we just fucking make it work?

Is just breaking down every day just my norm? Am I just waiting for her to say, “Here’s my new bf, my husband, my new kid, my new family”. While our family is just gone, half the time I’m alone. Our cat that we’ve raised since she was a kitten is just with me now, she doesn’t see her, how does that not hurt her? Me, the person she once promised to love forever, and I’m just not there, how is she fucking okay with that? And here I am with every fucking memory, and she’s just okay with it? I’m a fucking joke, I couldn’t make it. I didn’t matter enough to stay. I couldn’t keep my kid’s family together, and I can’t even keep myself together.

People say to discover who you were before and who you are. I was a fucking depressed fuck, and she made me happy. Who am I now? That’s who I was before.

Am I supposed not to cry when I see a family together? Am I supposed not to cry when I see a boy, and I don’t get one? When I see a kid playing with a sibling and my kid doesn’t have that anymore? I’m just supposed to continue moving forward, like it didn’t matter. Like we didn’t have a future, like we still can’t.

THATS THE THING. We still can, she’s not dead and I’m not dead. It’s not a wall either of us can’t control, it’s a wall we put up. Every fucking noise I hear close to the door, my fucking ears perk up and I think, “Oh, they’re back”. Nope they’re not I’m fucking alone. Every morning I have to remind myself, yeah she’s not here. Every fucking time I look around the house it’s just her, everything is her. What am I if not a man that’s just yearning for her? That’s all I am now.

I’m being a good dad. But it feels so weird. Feels like I’m waiting for her, to be a mom with me. I hate it. It feels like I’m just waiting.

And I don’t know how to stop waiting. She’s clearly okay without me. And I’m waiting.

I’m so tired. I just want my family back.