picking your hard

Gattsama · 2022-04-11T01:16:23+00:00

Only you know what's best for you. Sometimes it really is cheaper to keep her. BUT if you go that route you need to do everything necessary to protect yourself: travel, hobbies, put money aside, down grade your work / income, tell her no, set firm boundaries and stick to them, etc. Everyone is different, but most women will not leave you if they have access to your resources, no better choices and you make things comforable enough. Personally that sounded horrible to me, we have no kids, mine is a stay at home wife, and I can always make more money. Also, in my case we have to sell the martial home, and I can use the equity in the home in lieu of spousal support. So walking away owing nothing (but taking a huge financial hit).

For me, the price of freedom is just that. A price to be paid, and it's worth it. May I suggest if possible you take 2-10d away from her and the home. And during that time go NO CONTACT. No texts, calls, emails, etc. Out side of a true emergency. Just plan to do whatever you need / want to do. It's important to do this outside of the home, because the house has 'normal life chores' and 'a different energy.'

Once you have some space, no contact, and time to truly reflect. Decide what kind of life do you want to live UNTIL YOU DIE. Then make whatever choices are needed to create that.

ferrisb1986 · 2022-04-11T01:18:52+00:00

Yes, definitely vague but if you are not happy maybe check out couples counseling?? You don’t want to go through divorce if you don’t have to, it’s a fucking shit storm.

strongcoffeenosugar · 2022-04-11T01:36:41+00:00

Honestly man, I don't know your situation but if I were you I'd fight for your family. For one, it's the right thing to do and if you even love her a TINY bit still, FIGHT!!!

Plus you don't want to know just how expensive divorce can get. I'm slowly going broke via the divorce process and my ex makes $80k a year and is just fine financially. You have a SAHM for SEVENTEEN years! You WILL pay out the ASS! Your six figures is going to feel like you're working at mcdonalds bro...

I don't want to sound judgy because I don't know your situation that well, but if one of your big concerns is finances (which I feel safe assuming from your comment about your salary), divorce is going to be a shock to you.

BUT, if there's no way to work things out at all (like the situation with my ex and I), then you gotta do what you gotta do. I'll pray for you man!

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2022-04-11T01:53:22+00:00

I can tell you that even though my wife was destroying me it still was extremely difficult to do.

I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist and a lawyer before breathing a word of this to anyone. I talked to I think 5 trying to find one that could save the marriage, then one told me about BPD and everything came together.

Good luck, please post often!

OraleEse13 · 2022-04-11T04:57:18+00:00

I feel for you. Same thing happened to me. Get her ass to work now. No kids at least means no child support.

pegleg_legal · 2022-04-11T06:28:40+00:00

You can sacrifice yourself for your family by surrendering yourself and your identity to her. This is a choice many men make. Some don't.

LowerFars · 2022-04-11T13:48:38+00:00

My wife and kids are happily oblivious.
Choosing to go will inflict hard on everyone else.
On her and the kids. That is what I can not bring myself to do.

That sounds noble. But this isn't the time to be noble. I understand you want to shield your kids from discomfort, but don't bite-off more than you can chew.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Carlos Rivera. He was a doctor making almost $200k when he got divorced. In a very prideful and careless moment of self-sacrifice, he agreed to a generous amount of child support and alimony so as to keep his family comfortable. Like you, he let his manly nobility guide the way.

Added all together, he was paying something like $15k a month. When his income slipped a year later, he couldn't keep up with the payments. Eventually, he lost his medical license and spent time in jail. Two of his kids have since refused to ever speak to him again.

He eventually got his license back so he could start paying arrears. But he's buried alive in debt forever.

Stupid pride, fucking with you again.

My suggestion is make your legal obligations as small as possible. If you're still feeling generous, you can always give them cash handouts, or put the money in a savings account, or pay for a luxury vacation once a year, whatever. But if your legal obligation is high, one rainy day can kill you.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-04-11T01:04:16+00:00

I mean not sure about ur situation but u can pick up hobbies and just avoid her

dadmacintosh · 2022-04-11T02:33:39+00:00

I know a wife that works just as much as her husband. But she has so much baggage from her family of origin, she is literally bankrupt. You didn’t make a bad decision to let her stay home. That’s the best scenario to raise a family. Did she spend or get in debt without your knowledge?

yeldellmedia · 2022-04-11T06:03:16+00:00

Lets take this slow with no knee jerk reactions either way….. how old are your children and how long have u been married?

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-04-11T08:12:16+00:00

The longer you leave it, the harder it will become. Once the kids fly the nest SHE will divorce you, it's what happens.She gets that guaranteed payout and the longer it goes on the more she stands to gain, so of course she's in no hurry. If you know it's over, get out and give yourself the maximum amount of time to recover both emotionally and more importantly financially so you can have a decent standard of living in retirement. The "Grey Divorce" is devastating, and men often get cleaned out just before retirement, leaving them with a life of poverty in their elder yrs. Don't be that guy, give yourself the best chance of avoiding it and start the build back NOW.

Waffletraktor000 · 2022-04-11T03:04:44+00:00

Im not familiar with SAHM... pls enlighten me

James1933-75 · 2022-04-11T01:03:54+00:00

What is the grievance? You cannot really force someone to work, but you can prove they are under employed, at least in my jurisdiction. Usually, when ones agrees with said spouse to be a SAHM, there is hope she ain't going to backstab you in the future. Did she commit adultery, or is more of an "unhappy" situation?

Title	picking your hard
Author	strongcoffeenosugar
Upvotes	14
Comments	30
Date	April 11, 2022 12:48 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/u0vfip/picking_your_hard/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/picking-your-hard.1110409 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110409

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