Sitting sick at home

malsell · 2024-03-15T03:06:27+00:00

Been going through the ups and downs myself for the last 8 months. First she cut off sex, then started making excuses about my work and not wanting me to wake her up so I just slept on the couch, then said she couldn't do it anymore and wanted a divorce. I had to hide money just to have enough to move out and then my grandmother died the week I wanted to move and had to delay that even longer. 8 months later, I haven't met anyone new, my best friends are my family members, and I don't have any real prospects to change any of that. It also doesn't help that she moved her 19 year old boyfriend in a month and a half after I left and all he does is sit at home and play videogames when that was what she complained I was doing while putting in 40-60 hours of work every week and keeping up with the house as best as I could.

codbatter · 2024-03-14T15:26:54+00:00

same here. my hobby now is to binge tv shows and lie in bed until my legs hurt, and moving from there to my desk on my laptop. when i get tired enough i just go to sleep. ill sleep for an excessive amount of hours just to waste the day. if im at work im alright cos i need money obviously to live, but outside of work i do literally nothing productive and i dont want to, i feel shame and guilt even if shes the one who left with the kids. i cant go out and do anything without even a slight smile or normal face... i just look miserable and ugly, so i shut myself in. hopefully it will reduce my lifespan, im hoping to be dead within 15 years give or take.

Ok-Cicada5911 · 2024-03-14T15:26:08+00:00

Pretty par for the course.

Healing is non-linear. Try to shake it off. If you feel you can't recover, seek therapy. Get it diagnosed as depression. This will help mentally and with courts/work.

I was at 0-50% at work for a long time. Long time. Counted in months if not years. I couldn't get away with it at my previous job. It was sprint driven with epics and stories. We'd report in daily and tally successes every two weeks. I took 6 weeks short-term disability, went back, wasn't much better. I voluntarily resigned a couple of months later. I was never put on a personal performance review. But I wanted to get out of there before it came to that.

I took harbor with a previous employer. Everyone is 0-50% here. (Hint: public sector). I'm a superstar. No bonus or RSUs. Similar salary tho. I dropped 55% in earnings.

I think it's absolutely fucking crazy that courts can shackle men up like mules and whip them as though mental health isn't a thing. But hopefully documentation can help prove that you can't keep up the same pace.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-03-14T14:55:07+00:00

Pretty normal I think. Personally I spent about 6 weeks in a similar situation, basically felt paralyzed. I’d try to work and would just sit at my desk staring off into space. I got on a low dose of Concerta which really helped and I stopped taking it after 4 months.

What really helped me was having a dream. What would I do if I didn’t have a wife and kids and could do whatever I wanted to? The answer was to buy a boat and sail from port to port, exploring the coast and the Caribbean.. I guess be Jimmy Buffet. SO, since I have absolutely no desire remarry and I only care about my kids right now I’ve made it my mission to make this dream happen when I retire. I’ve figured out all the expenses, calculated for inflation and broken it down to what I have to save every month to hit my goal in 20-25 years. Now I have a purpose and I’m happy.

Is0prene · 2024-03-14T14:05:25+00:00

Have you seen a psychiatrist for the depression? It is not a sign of weakness taking medication for depression. I also had no desire to do anything in my life anymore. I worked and barely had enough motivation to help the kids. All I wanted to do was come home and stare at the ceiling from my bed.

The medication took about 1-2 weeks to take effect, but the results were irrefutable. I now have hobbies and passions. Things at work improved 10 fold. I love my kids more than ever and do so many things with them. I have so much more confidence now.

If you are taking medication already, perhaps it needs an adjustment or change. Hope this helps.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-14T12:31:10+00:00

Your feelings of gloom and doom are sometimes normal. Concentrating on being the best father you can be is definitely a reason to get out of your funk. Twin 4 year old's sounds like a lot, Anyone would be tired after parenting time. Getting them on a schedule when they are with you is paramount. Play time, nap time, eating, sleeping all require boundaries and hard work. But, from my eyes, taking care of them all makes it worth being tired and beat up. You are entrusted with their care and raising. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to get that job done. And they can't raise themselves. Counseling? Playgroups? Extended family? Friends? There are so many other avenues of help you may have and need to lean into. Do the research because your kids deserve an engaging and alert father being the best father you can be, There is no guide or map, so make you own and make an effort for them.

Simple-Captain3421 · 2024-03-14T12:27:16+00:00

You are not alone. I was thinking about the same yesterday. I manage a team of 270 people and it is always hectic at work. Son spends a week on/week off, so the week he is with me, it does get challenging to manage work demands and son. The job is important for me so I cannot take my position for granted. My manager is aware of my situation and has been very understanding but at the end of the day, he is answerable to people above him. I took the day off sick on Monday just to catch a breather.

Most days I just crash once my son has gone to bed. Working out comes to a stop when my son is with me which is every other week.

Things may seem doable theoretically but the reality of things can be different. Having said that, I have not let my situation affect my relationship or the care of my son. Every second he is with me, I make myself 100% available to him.

I believe things will improve as time goes by, and once both my son and I get used to the changes. And my son will also become a bit more independent as he grows up.

Couple of changes I have done/am planning:

Use the mornings to my advantage. Waking up quite early. Do some meditation and have time for myself before son wakes up.
Move to a 4 day/week work contract. It won’t impact me financially much, as I end up paying a lot of tax currently. And it would help with the mental and physical health too. Not sure if this is an option for you.

Good luck man. Keep faith. As I said, you are not alone, but equally you have raised something not spoken about much.

Edit- To add that I have also reached out to people to arrange play dates for my son. This is particularly helpful as you get a respite, even if superficially, the kids also benefit by socialising. Reach out to your dads/parents in your kids’ nursery or friends/family with kids.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-03-14T12:25:59+00:00

You absolutely have to work on taking this day by day. Understand that anxiety and overthinking is physically draining to your body. You are spending a tremendous amount of time thinking and draining energy for nothing. What really helped me was to plan every day- what do I intend to accomplish that day. Follow that up with assessing what was actually done. Realize that when you get what you planned done, you’ll feel good about it.

craze954 · 2024-03-14T12:25:39+00:00

Your never a pussy for having feelings your human. It's ok. Remember your a man and a real man who can be honest with your feelings. Trust me im going thru it there is nothing more painful. Even after all is done knowing mentally there no having that women you invision your heart still wishes for another chance and reset. There no magic way to heal this there no making the pain go away unfortunately. But again you are a man and a father so you have to learn to live with this pain and be the best man you can be. Force yourself to work out even if it's small. Start with 3 sets of 10 push ups and body squats. When your feeling down take deep breath try to stand tall and build confidence. Don't be afraid to express your feelings but don't let them control your life. Try to find one for yourself. This is a hard process losing the love of your life the person you thought you will spend forever with. Don't get angry don't get mean truly focus on being the best man you can and providing your kids a role model they will be proud of when they get older. Keep your head up high I know it feel life is over but it isn't time to move to the next chapter. You can do this anytime you start to doubt yourself stop tell yourself I don't do that anymore and keep pushing.

pikohina · 2024-03-14T12:13:23+00:00

You’re not a pussy, my man. You’re human with a shit ton of extra responsibility thrown at you. Start exploring ways for relief and extra help.

bilbomontague10 · 2024-03-14T12:04:22+00:00

It’s a grind with lots of ups and downs, but you have to power through. Is there anybody that can help you out a little bit? It’s a life you’re not used to, but think about all the single moms that have had to work multiple jobs and raise kids. they certainly sacrificed and it sounds like you’re in that position now. Just be the best you can for your kids. Things will get better with time and as the kids get a little bit older and independent. Try to find some help if you can.

Title	Sitting sick at home
Author	AlexdeF1
Upvotes	5
Comments	14
Date	March 14, 2024 11:08 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1beinxu/sitting_sick_at_home/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/sitting-sick-at-home.1426049 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426049

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