Divorce started 6 months ago. She wanted out. I've done everything to keep it amicable. We are one week away from her moving out of my house. The papers are going to be served this week. I have been dating, sort of, going on dates is more like it. Nothing has come of those. She knows. I have gotten new clothes, lost weight, been getting in shape. Comments from everyone in my life that I look great, that 50 looks good on me. In fact I've been told several times I look 20 years younger.

I got home an hour ago STBXW is in the kitchen. Asked how my breakfast date went. We are still on very good terms hoping to maintain a friendship. I said it was nice, good conversation, enjoyed the woman's company. But no chemistry I didn't feel a spark. I'm texting on my phone STBXW sitting there which was odd, so I asked what's on her mind. She said, "Not to make things awkward, but I'm just going to put it out there, if you're interested in getting laid."

I was stunned. Taken back. Shocked. I had read about this in numerous articles on divorce and heard about here on this forum but I thought we were beyond that. We haven't had sex in probably three years at this point. So I thought we were WAY beyond this. It sent my brain into a spin. I am actually still lightheaded from it.

I said no, I can't do that. Not because I don't want to, but rather because it is exactly what I want. (Yes, a part of me still has feelings for her). I can't go there, thank you for offering.

She apologized, tried to make it less awkward by saying now I had something to discuss with my therapist in my next appointment and laughed. Then said she was going to make me more uncomfortable by asking for a hug. Which I obliged. While hugging me telling me I look nice.

After she left the kitchen I was asking myself why I said no? What's wrong with me?! That was followed by a battery of questions: Did she just want to get laid? Nothing to do with me? Or was my conversation yesterday about my appointments with my sex therapist (yes, I'm seeing a sex therapist) an influence, me talking openly about my pursuit of sex and pleasure, my need to buy condoms for the first time in years etc a turn on? Was it me looking nice over the last two days going on dates?

The anxiousness, the desire to take back that no, to be able to just say, "Sure, let's go f_ck!" But the potential emotional fallout for me is to great. I don't want to go back in my emotional healing and well-being.

Then came the anger, pissed off! How dare she ask me that?! After denying me for so long her affections, how dare she come to me with an itch to scratch? After everything I've been through in the last six months knowing how I feel, how dare she think I'm going to be her f_ck buddy?

Not just no, f_ck no. And f_ck you. How dare you?

Here it is. More heartbreak, because the thing you have wanted the most is available to you, you can have it, you just can't keep it. You can have a taste of it one last time before it's gone forever.