Two years, nothings changed

DivorceTA1988 · 2023-12-27T13:28:19+00:00

We don’t find it easy, but we do find it necessary and it does help. Your old life is over - gotta find a new one or you’ll just destroy your mental health

New-Amoeba9042 · 2023-12-27T04:13:35+00:00

I'm the same here, I didn't want the divorce. It had to happen after everything she did, and I wouldn't take her back if she had some magic ability to realize the evil she did, was well, evil.

But I'm not happy with the life that comes after. Our life was really good together. Like, great. And I have trouble accepting I have to live a lesser life now.

My old hobbies were from when I was 25, and I'm 36 now. I don't want to play video games, or watch sports, or go out drinking, or care about movies or TV. And I haven't found any new hobbies, as it just seems so...pointless. Hobbies were something I did to 'cool down' from life, it's a joke trying to make it a life.

I work out, and yay, best shape I've been in since I was 25. Woo.

As for friends, they're all married with kids. Really no time for my single self. Heck, my best friend cheated on his wife, but unlike every women I've seen who cheats, he acknowledged he made a big mistake, and worked on it, and they're doing better over the year since than they had in 5 years.

So I'm right there with you. I've said I wished my wife came back from her overseas affair and 'tried to make it work' and was just a total bitch, so I could at least be happy we're done.

krazykanuck · 2023-12-27T02:32:37+00:00

It’s not easy though, that’s the point. If it were easy, we wouldn’t be here talking about what you need to do, because people would just do it. You want a reason for the divorce? She doesn’t love you anymore. What other reason do you need? You want a reason to do the hard things required to be happy? Who would you rather fall for, the happy person or the sad person who won’t try?

upvotersfortruth · 2023-12-27T02:17:00+00:00

You're stuck in the grief. You had a life before marriage, you'll have a life after marriage. Maybe not the one you invested yourself in, but some things aren't our choice. Grieving the loss of a marriage is really difficult, because the relationship dies, not the person - so the root cause of the grief is everpresent, along with the reminders of what was and what could have been.

mauimikes · 2023-12-27T02:00:24+00:00

I’m at 2 years also and feel almost the exact same way. I am able to go to the gym a few times a week and that definitely helps but only temporarily.

At the end of the day I just keep telling myself my exwife has had 2 years to change her mind and if she is that adamant on not being a “happy family” and trying to fix things then there is no changing her mind.

I don’t have an answer but feel your pain. Hoping over time it gets easier.

Particular_Car7127 · 2023-12-27T01:38:35+00:00

You are suffering severe depression and need to see a psychiatrist and get something to help. Then maybe therapy may help from someone specializing in divorce issues.

Yankuba3 · 2023-12-27T01:32:51+00:00

I’m 36 months post divorce. Just had a brutal dinner with my parents, kids and brother. The kids were poorly behaved, my father is old and cranky, my mother picks fights and demands too much from everyone. It was loud and unpleasant. I’m really looking forward to my kids going with their mother tomorrow and me having a quiet telework day.

Anyhow - it has been 36 months and I have done everything everyone recommends yet I am still angry, unhappy, jealous of others, etc. What usually helps me is volunteering with those less fortunate. Kinda hard to feel bad about myself when I am handing out generic food to people who can’t afford groceries. It also helps that the volunteers are lovely older people, some have divorced kids of their own or have tips on parenting my kids. At the minimum they are always sympathetic. Not everyone is always sympathetic. Yesterday I took the kids to volunteer at a nursing home. It’s hard to feel shitty when you still have health and autonomy of your body.

I have also rededicated myself to my work as if I was a new employee. Trying to be at the top of the unit. Trying to learn new skills, find new tools. A little gamification, see how much work I can do each quarter. Doing some extra hours at home on weekends so I will have less stress during the week.

Plus, I listen to a lot of music. Got the paid version of Spotify and started collecting songs. Forget the depressing radio talk shows or news or podcasts.

But yeah, it sucks. You just have to find something that works for you that isn’t unhealthy. Making money, exercise, sports, socialization, prayer, service, pets, hobbies, sleep, self care, therapy, antidepressants, travel, music, etc.

HereinPA1 · 2023-12-26T23:33:04+00:00

I’m not sure how many here want to live this life, I know I don’t. My stbxw is the only one that wants this. But what are we to do, just sit still fighting reality? This is happening to you and it’s happening me, these are our lives now and no amount of questions or rationalizing is going to change that.

Get on with your life and find what you want, because it’s not with her just like it’s not with mine.

Capable-Profile4425 · 2023-12-26T22:54:56+00:00

My first recommendation is to get into therapy. Seriously, it can be life-changing.

Also, and this is something a good therapist will tell you: don’t beat yourself up. Everyone heals and moves on in their own time, there is no set schedule to grieve.

Every day, think “what can I do for myself today?” And “what can I do for my kid(s)?”

You’re going to be alright, better days are ahead.

Title	Two years, nothings changed
Author	Relative-Visit-1917
Upvotes	19
Comments	46
Date	December 26, 2023 10:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18rjzqe/two_years_nothings_changed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/two-years-nothings-changed.1241647 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241647

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