A confusing man is a dangerous man - Excerpts from Lundy Bancroft

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-02-10T17:48:38+00:00

Excerpts are from Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

I have been reading one excerpt a day for the last couple of weeks and love it so far.

DarbyGirl · 2022-02-10T19:22:07+00:00

Ladies if he never takes ownership of anything, never apologizes for anything, and always blames anything that happens on everyone else....run.

Another book I really liked was Psychopath Free. There is a free chapter I think on Amazon and there is basically a checklist of behaviors. This checklist really hit home as my (now) ex ticked off a lot of those boxes.

espressomeowtini · 2022-02-10T18:06:56+00:00

Lundy Bancroft’s book was the wake-up call I needed last month to drop my scrote abusive ex once and for all. I could not put this book down once I started…luckily it was a slow work day.

Abusive men thrive in the confusion and chaos that they intentionally manufacture, and LOVE flipping the script back on you. It absolutely is crazy-making behavior, and losers like this will terrorize you with it for the rest of your life if you let them. They chip away at your sense of stability and sanity piece by piece. Like a toxic faucet slowly eroding your entire life. Your entire world will be flipped upside down and inside out. It is by design, to keep you under his control.

The fog only clears once you block, delete, and commit yourself to no contact with sociopaths like this. Thank God for FDS 👑

lanainla · 2022-02-10T17:55:27+00:00

This reminds me of how the handbook says that if you’re confused at any point during the courting process, leave. Confusion is artificially created by men to manipulate us. Even when it’s not abusive, it never ends well.

Living_Butterfly7171 · 2022-02-10T19:11:29+00:00

I just had an aha moment reading the part about being 100% responsible for your own behavior and not allowing him to make you responsible for his behavior.

I think women are conditioned to know intuitively that we are are responsible for our own actions without having to verbalize that fact so when we are out in world and we meet men who start blaming us for their actions, reactions, behaviors, they say things like "I acted that way because you made me feel _____" or "...because you did _____" in the past, it has not been immediately clear, at least to me, that the problem is that he doesn't feel he is responsible for his own actions. I always thought it was a character flaw of his, like he was projecting or being defensive, or he's argumentative and can't have a fair conversation, but it's much more simple than that even, he's an abuser.

Never again, thanks to FDS! I will not tolerate any of the same things I thought were just inherent in all men, I know now, I just had never dated a HVM. As hard as it is to admit, I was putting up with men's behavior because I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn't just settle and be happy with a scrote subjecting me to emotional abuse like all the other pickmes around me. Thank you FDS!

riseaboveagain · 2022-02-10T19:50:40+00:00

Just jumping in to say (obviously) that all this information applies not only to men and dating, it applies to relationships and family members, as well.

I experienced similar behavior from a female cousin and aunt, and to my great relief, finally stopped tolerating it and removed them from my life this year.

Be strong, my queens 👑

butteryrum · 2022-02-10T21:18:35+00:00

The accuracy of this is darn right spooky. They def turn tables when confronted with their behavior. Really awful sign of someone who doesn't want to/refuses to take any accountability for their behavior and generally a bad person who just causes damage wherever they go and expects to deal with it. It's insane audacity.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-10T23:30:05+00:00

Oh I've soooo told men this. I'm intelligent, and don't hide it, and I've had so many of them claim I "talk down" to them. Okay, it is what it is and at that point I've said, sorry you feel this way, I'm just talking like I always do. They press it, and I say, I don't dumb down, so you'll just have to keep up, now won't you?

When everything comes back to me, I lean hard into all the "abuse" I'm supposedly dishing out, then I've told them, I never MADE you do anything; anything you do is YOUR CHOICE. I'm not forcing you to do it; you are CHOOSING to act this way. Why are you choosing to act this way? why are you choosing to be a perpetual victim? doesn't that get so tiring after a while? what's the point of that?

I don't expect an answer. I just want to turn his words around on him, and use them on him and against him. I want to shut him up and shut him down, and exit the situation pronto.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-02-10T21:15:52+00:00

A lot of us have dated a scrote who abused therapy language, would do mean things, then say that you have to be responsible for your own emotions, you can't expect another person to make you happy. Here is the actual situation where that statement is supposed to be applied, while breaking away from a person who blames you for his misbehavior. It was never meant to mean that men can "accidentally" do hurtful things over and over, and you have to overcome all the negative emotions with Yoda skills.

asoww · 2022-02-11T00:34:00+00:00

That is what I have always believed. Everyone is 100% responsible for their actions and the choice they make. This is how you do not victim blame. Because no matter what women do, men's actions or reactions are their very own choices, and telling women they are "causing" men to act or react violently is victim blaming.

asupernova91 · 2022-02-11T05:44:43+00:00

“Abusive and controlling men specialize in causing confusion” 100%. And then you feel like you’re going crazy. And then you wonder if it’s really you who is too emotional or asking for too much, etc. I hate this type of mindf*uck

crepesandmacarons · 2022-02-11T18:05:58+00:00

It's interesting that sexual cheating is the specific deal breaker here. Is that implying emotional cheating isn't a deal breaker?

Xiena78 · 2022-02-18T19:50:43+00:00

And notice he's not emphasizing "NOT ALL MEN", and he's not victim blaming, asking the women to choose better men. He's keeping the blame where it belongs. On the shitty men.

Title	A confusing man is a dangerous man - Excerpts from Lundy Bancroft
Author	Lost_Kale90
Upvotes	900
Comments	24
Date	February 10, 2022 5:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/spca2w/a_confusing_man_is_a_dangerous_man_excerpts_from/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-confusing-man-is-a-dangerous-man-excerpts-from.1101365 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101365

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