Accept that you cannot control others. There is no magical combination of words that will transform a LVM into a HVM. The only person whose actions you can control, is yourself.

Pahapan · 2020-08-30T07:57:33+00:00

I grappled with a lot of guilt in the aftermath of the abortion I got to escape my abusive ex. He was trying to trap me with a baby. I really caught myself thinking WHAT IF. What if this baby was the catalyst that would have changed him? What if this baby would have reframed his entire perspective? That shit really fucked me up, thinking that I may have thrown a beautiful future away. But that's so absurd. Even if he miraculously changed, would that undo the damage he did to me? Would that unrape me? No.

And realistically, when does that kind of change ever happen? I don't know of even ONE abusive man who miraculously changed just because he had a baby. Not one. There's the odd LVM who's managed to get their act together enough to be a decent father but abusive men don't change. Nothing I could possibly do or say would change anything.

SpringJonesOcean · 2020-08-30T06:16:20+00:00

Yes, yes, yes! One of the good pieces of advice my mother gave me growing up. Never waste your life trying to change a man.

curlygirl507 · 2020-08-30T06:20:00+00:00

And on top of that, men have been conspiring for centuries to brainwash us into thinking that we can and will inevitably change them (basically every romance film/book ever).

hikurangi2019 · 2020-08-30T06:29:03+00:00

Such great advice! Accept that you can't change him. Also, learning to accept being misunderstood and move on vs sending paragraphs.

2020-08-30T07:18:06+00:00

[deleted]

fim_de_semana · 2020-08-30T12:37:26+00:00

Don’t reward bad behavior. “If I love him a bit more maybe he’ll realize I’m worth it!” What he hears is: “I can be as much of a shithead as I want and she’ll still love me!”

Bad behavior should be met with a cold shoulder.

2020-08-30T05:55:03+00:00

All of this 🙌🏻

eveninghope · 2020-08-30T13:03:20+00:00

Yeah, it's important to go into it understanding that a LVM does not see you as a 3D human being with your own needs/preferences/goals/thoughts/etc. They're conditioned to see us as their trophy or fantasy or whatever. You cannot influence someone who doesn't respect you to begin w.

chickenery · 2020-08-30T15:41:13+00:00

I always just think about female celebrities - they are some of the most beautiful, successful, popular, sexy, wealthy women on earth, and they routinely get cheated on and dumped. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We are so trained to believe that if only we are [inset any number of ridiculous standards women have to adhere to] we will be worthy of a long-lasting and loving relationship. But there is NO formula for that.

Lavender_flow · 2020-08-30T17:40:30+00:00

Cooking, cleaning, fucking like a pornstar, supporting him financially, and ESPECIALLY having a baby with him will NOT change who he is fundamentally as a person. It will NOT motivate him to value you, it will NOT motivate him to become a more considerate and high-effort partner. Or at least, not to you.

I would advise all women on here- go check out some of the subs on porn/sex addiction, and read the stories from these men's partners. These women BEND OVER BACKWARDS, for their men and still these vile creatures sit and wank it to porn, escalate to cheating, active on tinder and DM instagram baddies etc. It doesn't matter what you do, a LVM will continue to be Low value. There is PLENTY of proof of this, just browse those sub reddits. They are a black pit of despair and misery for women. Dont be those women. End of story.

__kamikaze__ · 2020-08-30T14:15:03+00:00

If you do all these things men have no reason to change.

Their logic is “Damn. I can get away with all this shit and she still does everything for me. I ain’t changing.”

huevos_and_whiskey · 2020-08-31T00:01:31+00:00

Don’t buy into the explanations. Every time he behaves badly he’s going to have an explanation of why it’s a one-off, how he’s trying to do better, how he didn’t mean it or didn’t know, blah blah blah. As much as you may want to believe him, you’ve got to make up your own mind. What you see is what you get. What you hear is just lip service.

yggiwtmiih · 2020-08-30T22:53:37+00:00

This goes for friends and family, too. You can't save anyone, you can't control anyone, you can't make them do something even if it's for their own good. People have to make those internal and long lasting changes for themselves. That's why drug addicts have to go into rehab of their free will -- there is zero chance they'll get better if they're not willing to help themselves in the first place.

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Accept that you cannot control others. There is no magical combination of words that will transform a LVM into a HVM. The only person whose actions you can control, is yourself.

Comments

YOU CAN’T CHANGE A PERSON