Am I being too picky?

SextMex · 2020-01-01T08:52:11+00:00

I don't think so.

The first guy didn't message you, so it's not like it is you being picky. You just won't chase a man who won't at least send a polite follow up text.

The second guy is exactly why I don't like counter service type dates. You order separately. Guys love this because they can get free attention and don't even have to spend $5 on a coffee or pastry. If he wanted to see you again he should have, at the very least, insisted he order you something. It's common courtesy to ask "can I get you something" even among friends. He was showing you exactly what the rest of the relationship would be like.

Not too picky at all. It was just two dates. Don't settle, especially on a first date.

Few_Reputation · 2020-01-01T11:04:07+00:00

No, not at all. I don’t recommend doing coffee dates. When guys ask why, I simple tell them that I drink coffee only in the morning. I heard that some guys think spending more than 5$ is waste of money on dates. I doubt that those guys will treat you well. And he didn’t even ask to get one when he was heading for the croissant. Nope, nope. That’s selfish also.

Little things can tell a lot about the persons overall character. I implied policy that I don’t do coffee dates nor drink date. And if a guy brings up something sexual, I make sure I take them to buy me dinner and spend tons of $ on me. Cheap guys are the worst of LVM. Who knows that this is the same kind of guy who takes the other girl who he thinks more attractive to fancy restaurants ? You never know... that’s why I apply strict food dates on every guy I meet.

circescircus · 2020-01-01T13:19:20+00:00

First guy-- he wanted sex. He understood that he was not going to get that easily with you, so he lost interest.

Second guy-- he's cheap, inconsiderate and playing the "numbers game" by setting up pre-date coffee dates, where he doesn't even offer you a coffee or croissant.

You're not being too picky, both of these men, and men like them, are to be avoided.

jewdy09 · 2020-01-01T10:55:20+00:00

I recently had a coffee date like yours. He was also late, but I waited for him to arrive in my car and we walked in together. I was irked that he didn’t pay the $3 for my coffee and after an hour of decent conversation I abruptly stood to leave. He messaged later saying that we clearly didn’t click and he was right about that but undoubtedly wrong about the reason why. He also asked how much I charge for cleaning which is my business. Well, he had a rental unit that was about to be vacated and he asked for a quote to clean that, the absolute worst kind of cleaning because not only is it brutal and filthy work, the expectation is also set for how the next tenant should leave the place, so I end up doing way more work than I intend to do. I definitely explained to him during the date about how I love working for my clients, some of whom I’ve been working for close to 15 years now, and how part of the joy comes from taking care of people that I care about.

I don’t see how someone makes a connection between a passionate description of loving the people I work for and finding joy in taking care of them and making their lives easier and the disgusting chore of deep, deep cleaning after people I’ve never met and for people I also have never met unless they really aren’t listening to a fucking thing I’m saying. So, I gave him my “I don’t want to do it,” price of $75/hr with a five hour minimum (it used to be $50/hr for five hours, but people kept agreeing and I liked those people) and I got no response.

The irony is that had he purchased my coffee, I would have probably been more agreeable and we may have ended up dating in which event I would come to care about him and so cleaning for him would be pleasant for me. I probably would have just offered to help him do it one afternoon and it would have been a fun, but still dirty, working date. For a $3 output on a first date, he could have saved the $200-$300 that job cost him with some other service in town. That is like the cost of 5-6 dinners dates at a Thai place, at which point, he would have also been getting pretty close to watching me bounce on his dick as well. Shrewd, dude. Fucking, shrewd. Way to stand up for yourself and make sure you don’t get used by women who just want free coffees! He was definitely pulling that stunt.

I thought about writing him back and explaining just how effective his plan was for him, but I simply can’t be bothered. It won’t make any difference for either of us. He will always be a tightwad and I while I love to pinch a penny, I am always generous with people I like. I don’t want to date a man who isn’t generous with me and he should continue to go about dating just as he is so he can inform all future dates what a life with him will look like.

penelopekitty · 2020-01-01T12:06:13+00:00

No, not too picky. Great job seeing the red flags and weeding out the LVM!

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-01-01T16:04:14+00:00

When I read the title, I thought "99% chance of a no."

Now that I read your post, no, you are not being too picky. Those dates didn't sit right with you for a reason.

Edited to add: The career and children factoring into your "fussiness" makes sense. You have little ones to look out for and know how to be successful in the work world. You have more to risk if you get involved with a LVM. I think your protective instincts are working in your favor.

vowelsareimportant · 2020-01-01T17:18:20+00:00

These are the subtle things to pay attention to. You aren't being too picky. For example, my ex-boyfriend did those type of things. We went to a wedding together once and he went to go get something from the dessert table and didn't ask me if I wanted anything and didn't bring me back the dessert we were just talking about "looking so good". It was a tiny thing but looking back it was another part of the pattern of selfishness and and not caring about me. You are being exactly the right level of picky.

2020-01-01T16:03:48+00:00

You are definitely not being too picky. Mutual interest and connection are so important, and if he’s interested-you will know. No point in wasting time with someone who’s low effort.

And then, even if they put in the effort and time, it’s still ok to break it off if YOU aren’t interested. Recently I was talking to someone for about two months—we met on an app. I made it clear that I just wanted to be friends, but he still went above and beyond. When he still wanted to date, I had to just tell him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It was difficult to be that upfront with someone who had been so kind to me...but I would have wanted the same thing from a guy who was just not interested.

AmEx08 · 2020-01-01T17:56:33+00:00

No! You’re not being picky at all!

The first guy probably just wanted to hook up and the second is an inconsiderate fool.

The old me (pre FDS) would have thought those were no big deals, but if they’re not making any effort to impress you at the stage when they’re suppose to, then when will they ever.

Itchy-Transportation · 2020-01-01T19:23:38+00:00

Not too picky in any way. Good for you for sticking to your standards. You're probably going to have quite a few unsatisfying dates before finding someone you jive with. Don't feel bad for having standards 😊

silvernikki · 2020-01-01T15:11:30+00:00

I read something recently that said to give every new guy 2 dates. That way if someone's having a bad day, or is awkward around new people, or is just lying to get into your pants, you'll have 2 days worth of data to look at. Food for thought.

But I definitely don't think you're picky! Selfishness is a good reason not to date someone.

Muffcakelord · 2020-01-02T04:31:47+00:00

If a dude is too distracted to think of you when he's mildly hungry, how in the hell is he supposed to think of you when he's stressed or horny? You'd likely never have an orgasm with a guy that will eat a whole pastry in front of you without asking if you want something and you'd feel tired with the guy who didn't text you since you'd be doing the emotional labour. Good call. People show very important aspects of themselves in their actions like this.

Just imagine it yourself. Imagine doing what they did, then ask yourself; what emotion comes to mind when doing this? I imagine not giving a single shit about someone when not offering something before eating in front of them or not texting them after a date

Title	Am I being too picky?
Author	chaostrulyreigns
Upvotes	55
Comments	39
Date	January 1, 2020 8:41 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eig840/am_i_being_too_picky/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/am-i-being-too-picky.685810 https://theredarchive.com/post/685810

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