Applying FDS "sex strategy" when I physically cannot/ have never had an orgasm?

monch-bred · 2021-03-10T17:21:29+00:00

Hi I just want to let you know I had my first orgasm at 23 after years and years of trying, and the answer was just trying a different type of vibrator with a stronger vibration, and being patient with myself (sorry if that sounds unhelpful, there really was no magic thing).

I haven’t had an orgasm from a partner and I seriously doubt a partner could do that unless they were totally un-selfish and genuinely wanted to please me, as opposed to wanting it for their own ego. They’d also need to be VERY good at listening because the difference between yes that feels amazing vs what are you doing is like 2mm hahah. Highly suggest doing it on your own first, much better chances that way in my opinion.

I have a waterproof vibrator because most of the time I have an easier time having an orgasm in the bathtub with the shower running, this might just be me though. Also “relaxing” does NOT help me personally, what does help is kegels(? Is that what they’re called? The thing where you squeeze your vagina muscles). When I orgasm, physically I can feel my vagina muscles involuntarily squeezing and unsqueezing. So, it stands to reason that practicing that part a little tiny bit could help—did help me after my first orgasm when I realized what all was involved. Maybe next time you try masturbating, try slowly & gently flexing/unflexing those muscles? I’m sure that doesn’t work for everyone but perhaps it could help. Rooting for you!!

qwaliY · 2021-03-10T17:06:37+00:00

Maybe don't resign yourself to not being able to orgasm.

I don't mean that in a patronising way or saying that you don't know your own body, but I always thought I couldn't orgasm until I had one. I'm 19, turning 20, I had my first orgasm when I was freshly 19 but I had had a boyfriend before that and I had always tried by myself before.

I was the same as you though in the sense that things felt good but they kinda just plateuad intending of peaking lol

Usually when women can't orgasm it's bcs theres some kind of mental block - the brain is the biggest sexual organ so if you can't get there mentally you won't get there physically either. For me the mental block was being deeply ashamed of my body, sexuality and desire to feel good, partly bcs of trauma but also because the world does a very good job convincing women that their a sexual object rather than a sexual being. Meaning that we should have no desire of our own but be there to fulfil a man's desire, and if we do have any kind of desire there must be something wrong with us, or we must be dirty. It's hard to feel comfortably horny when everything in life is telling you that you shouldn't be uno.

Also focusing on having an orgasm makes it hard to actually have one, because you spend too much time thinking about it rather than enjoying the actual sensations - and it gets easy to get caught up in the idea that there's something wrong with your body bcs you can't seem to do it and then it just spirals and makes it even harder to.

Tbh (outside of medical issues) I don't think it's possible to be genuinely incapable of orgasm bcs it's a basic bodily reaction - there's usually just something preventing you from having that reaction and you kinda just gotta figure out what it is.

What helped me was to stop trying have one and just trying to enjoy the moment (idk if you've heard that saying "you'll never catch what your chasing" but basically that was the vibe) and dealing with the shame surrounding my sexuality and getting really high and just going to town lol. Ik smoking weed is LV behaviour but helped me relax and be more in the moment and in tune with my body, focused on what was going on and be carefree about it. If you don't smoke, maybe some wine or something equally relaxing would help.

"Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski (spelling might be wrong) is a really good read on female sexuality and how living in a patriarchal society has vilified women's individual sexual responses and come to make women feel ashamed of their sex. I would definitely recommend it.

Lol sorry if this was a really long read and a bit tmi, i just wanted to give my two cents since I've been through it and I know a bunch of other women who have aswell. Once I figured out how to do it I also figured out it was acc really easy for me to get there, in a lot of different ways, and it was just the mental aspect that was hindering me. So like, don't be a 100% that you can't have an orgasm, just say that you haven't had one yet lol.

Hope this helps :)

caligulawillblush · 2021-03-10T20:32:49+00:00

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caligulawillblush · 2021-03-10T19:44:52+00:00

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Lavender_flow · 2021-03-10T21:17:56+00:00

I had a lot of problems and I didn't get my first orgasm till I was mid 20's! I had totally resigned myself to never getting an orgasm, and how sad is that? I had spend so many years bending over backwards for the men I dated. I was the "slut" and I loved being "amazing at blowjobs" till my jaw hurt and my throat. I realized then, I wanted more and why should I bend over backwards for these useless men?

Some of them tried to make me climax, but not hard enough by far. I can only come when I use toys (so far), but I learned that clenching techniques really helped me. I saw some guides on youtube from sex-perts (a lot of them can be cringe, so look around for a bit), but look for women guiding you on breathing/clenching techniques, and also try different toys. The magic wand really does it for me, and then I combine it with a small vibrator inside, which can be set on different settings. So using both at once gives the best orgasms for me. Also I usually have to be aroused when trying, so getting yourself super turned on and thinking of sexy things helps a lot too. I usually think of my partner naked and different things we have done.

nieces-pieces · 2021-03-10T22:35:47+00:00

Well even outside of reaching climax if the guy doesn’t excite you, doesn’t make you feel safe, comfortable, beautiful, ever makes you feel weird or insecure or treats sex as a means to an end rather than a way to explore physical connection and intimacy and vulnerability — dump him

Lamiek · 2021-03-10T21:57:26+00:00

I can orgasm but it takes a lot of time, more with a partner than alone. My ex used to give me oral sex for 2-3 hours until I had an orgasm. He was truly a trooper.

I tried a LOT of vibrators and toys (Womanizer, Satisfier, Lelo Sona) and none worked. Only his tongue or my fingers.

caligulawillblush · 2021-03-10T19:39:53+00:00

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bodysnatcherz · 2021-03-11T02:24:32+00:00

When you read the advice, you can think of orgasm = event that leaves you satisfied with the sexual experience. If you can't orgasm, you can define what that ultimate satisfaction looks like for you.

Princesspeach8188 · 2021-03-11T03:11:17+00:00

I am 25 and also never have had one. I’m just commenting here to let you know it’s ok and probably way more normal than you think! :) I read a helpful book recently called Come as You Are by Emily Nagonski - it went into the science/psychology behind numerous sexual issues and gives actual strategies to work on your orgasm. I highly recommend it!

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-03-10T22:26:15+00:00

You could try OMGYES which is full of masturbation tutorials, and completely female centric. There’s a small membership fee.

2021-03-11T04:13:23+00:00

Did not have my first one until 23. I had been married and physically could not get to that point until after I got divorced. Still have not with a partner (would keep plateauing no matter what, and I think that was my instincts kicking in because my ex-boyfriend was also abusive), but it happens so easily alone!

I’ve talked to lots of other women in their 20s it hasn’t happened yet for. I would say be patient with yourself, don’t put any pressure on yourself at all, but don’t rule it out either. You still have so much to learn about yourself and your body. Enjoy it, try new sensations, make love to yourself!

I know that feeling of constantly getting to that point where you think it could happen and then it just stops. Sometimes it would be painful. Then one day I did something slightly different, and it was like “oh, THAT’S it. THIS is what everyone talks about!” I wasn’t expecting it. For me there’s a specific spot and motion that just does it.

EVERYONE is different. It’ll literally be different for everyone. Enjoy yourself on your own time and meanwhile, make sure that any partner you share that with, at bare minimum excites, respects, and wants to please you more than anything!

Tatterhood78 · 2021-03-11T05:00:08+00:00

If you're taking any medications, check the side effects. Antidepressants (in particular) can make orgasming difficult or impossible.

Also, don't focus on the orgasm itself. You might be thinking yourself out of it with "Will I or won't I?" Fantasize about things that excite you instead.

rideoffalone · 2021-03-11T08:51:34+00:00

Hitachi Magic Wand, stat.

Title	Applying FDS "sex strategy" when I physically cannot/ have never had an orgasm?
Author	caligulawillblush
Upvotes	61
Comments	26
Date	March 10, 2021 11:55 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m1vvnr/applying_fds_sex_strategy_when_i_physically/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/applying-fds-sex-strategy-when-i-physically-cannot.751944 https://theredarchive.com/post/751944

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