There is something I think this sub doesn't touch on often enough, which is the distinction between compromising and settling. Obviously, never settle for someone - you will only end up miserable. However, you will at times have to compromise with and for your partner, for the simple reason that they are a human being with their own likes, feelings and personality.

You almost certainly already engage in compromise with your platonic friends; maybe you want to go for Mexican, but it's your best friend's birthday and she really wants sushi, so you go out for sushi (you'll get Mexican next time). Healthy compromise is a part of most successful relationships. However, it's incredibly important the you recognize the difference between settling and compromising.

Settling and compromising can be directly linked to the difference between your standards and your preferences.

You settle when you decide to stay with someone who doesn't meet your standards. This will make you miserable for the simple fact that your standards are (or should be) the behaviours, traits, and values that you need in a partner in order to be happy. For example, I won't date someone who doesn't have a healthy work ethic, who knows the value of hard work but also recognizes that there is more to life than working. If I settled for someone who didn't meet this standard (either someone lazy or a workaholic) I would be deeply unhappy. I know this, because I've dated both and I hated it.

On the other hand, you can generally quite happily compromise with someone who doesn't match one of your preferences, for the simple fact that by definition a preference is a "nice to have", but isn't necessary for your happiness. For example, my physical preference is blue-eyed, blond-haired men who look very generic (I am very boring). However, my standard is that I will only date people I'm attracted to, and it turns out I'm also attracted to plenty of dudes with brown hair and brown eyes (because hot guys are hot: more news at 11).

Where exactly the line falls between standard and preference is something only you can decide, and I will never shame you for having whatever standards you want. In many cases, your preferences exist because they've been shown to be good short-hand for your standards, and especially with OLD, preferences can act as convenient filtering tools.

However, be VERY WARY of the man who matches your preferences but doesn't meet your standards. These are the classic "good on paper" guys, or the men who seem to tick all the HVM boxes while somehow managing to be LV. For me, this happened with a guy who was my physical preference, in one of my preferred jobs, who had a lot of charm and charisma. Unfortunately, his work ethic was shit, and underneath that charming persona he didn't have the qualities (kindness, consideration, empathy, intelligence) that I need to be happy with someone.

This is why it's so important to spend three months getting to know someone before you sleep with them and start getting attached. Often it's easy for people to demonstrate that they meet our preferences, but it can take longer to see if they truly live up to our standards. Give yourself the gift of clarity to make the best decisions you can.

ETA: a quick short-hand to tell if you're settling or compromising is how the decision makes you feel in the long run. My preference would have been a guy who wants to go cross-country cycling with me. My husband does not, but he does value staying in shape and is willing to be active with me in plenty of other ways (my standard). Does not cycling with my husband make me sad? Does it disappoint me? Do I feel somehow unfulfilled? No, no, and no. It's a compromise that was worth making.