Dating someone with lower qualifications

penelopekitty · 2020-02-06T11:34:34+00:00

This is a problem for many accomplished women. I'm older and had a very successful corporate career for many years, then quit, opened my own business in a different field and after my divorce opened a second business which I had for quite a while. So I started and was running two businesses on my own, one of which was in a very male dominated arena.

I am also conventionally attractive, fit and financially sound. You would think I'd be a great catch.

Not once have I dated a man who has achieved what I have in life. Many of the men I dated were fearful of taking chances, following their dreams, and the hard work that comes along with it. A few had tried to start something on their own, failed and then acted as if life was over and they were completely defeated instead of using the business failure (very common BTW) as a learning experience.

These men initially would act as if impressed by my accomplishments during the wooing phase but then later would try to belittle and demean what I had done. Some would go so far as to talk to me about how great my competitors were or how they knew someone who was actually "a real master" in my chosen field.

This all stems from their own lack of achievement and insecurity. I honestly don't know what can be done about it. I don't have a Phd or speak 4 languages. I'm also much older than your friend.

I think you have to be aware of when people, but especially men, try to lift themselves up by tearing you down and get out right away. I also think this issue will continue to become more and more common as many women are levelling up. I recently read that the majority of graduates from law school and medical school are now women. I'm sure this trend will continue.

It is a dilemma. We should never dim our light because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I think that should be given extra emphasis in regard to a romantic partner. Someone who loves you should be proud of you and supportive of your endeavors.

pianogirl282 · 2020-02-06T14:21:40+00:00

Someone wrote me through chat about this post, saying this:

“They freak out because nobody wants to take in your student debt, fuckin dummy”

I’m sorry to disappoint you all, but I’m not located in the US and there are countries where you can get a good quality education for a minimal price and you won’t go in debt forever. Also my friend was in scholarship. And I’m pretty sure that she can deal with her own debts anyway.

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2020-02-06T11:29:08+00:00

Tell her:

I would not make an issue of it but not hide it either. Be glad for every man who gets up and goes, because he would have ruined your life in the long run.

Your education part of who you are and the last thing you need is a husband who can't cope with that. Its a very depressing situation which invariably ends in divorce.

Hypergamy in men is a thing and there are men, especially from rich families, who will only consider their educational equal or better.

kinnnion · 2020-02-06T15:09:13+00:00

I think the best solution is finding a man that has the same or higher qualifications as her, maybe find someone in her field. Cause no matter what type of man she dates if he feels less than her, the relationship will never work

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-02-06T17:38:18+00:00

If a man is too insecure to handle your HV qualities then he's not a HVM. HVM enjoy being around intelligent, highly educated women. Hiding your accomplishments to make a man more comfortable is pickme shit.

Sarahthegreen · 2020-02-06T16:54:54+00:00

Many years ago, Marilyn vos Savant was doing press for a book she wrote, and she mentioned that it was hard for her to meet men because of how intimidated they were by her intelligence (she had the world record IQ score back when Guinness Book of Records included IQ scores). I remember a newspaper article about her where she's posing looking very attractive while saying this in the text. After these interviews, Robert Jarvik of artificial heart fame contacted her and they've been together ever since. I thought: "Good strategy! Now that's smart!"

You can be kinda smart and very accomplished if you're hard working enough, and ridiculously smart and not very accomplished. Your friend's accomplishments may or may not be the problem. Her intelligence will be if she's very gifted. She needs someone in the same intelligence range. (That's my dilemma, too, even though I am not accomplished – I crashed and burned due to lack of support. I suspect that exceptionally gifted people are more likely to do either very well, or very poorly due to isolation. See for example Grady Towers' The Outsiders, though I've read that William James Sidis, whom he talks about, was actually pretty happy and well adjusted once he dropped out of the limelight).

She will probably find the most compatible men in her field. Dating outside her field (or even in her field), asking about what books her dates have read and what ideas they find exciting might help her find the smarter ones. There are very gifted men who aren't accomplished on the surface because they don't like the rat race, but who have the smarts, and are capable of being HVM.

Does she want accomplishment in a man more, or someone she can actually have intelligent conversations with?

Alymi · 2020-02-06T19:17:29+00:00

Since graduating I've noticed that get weird when they find out I'm more educated than they are. I'm getting less interested in "dating down" education wise too unless they're especially nerdy when it comes to science. Tbh men have such delicate egos she'd be better off trying to find someone with similar education. Or just look for a much younger guy with good stamina/chemistry

espelhosdagua · 2020-02-07T00:46:12+00:00

I'm older and I don't hold a Ph.D. (yet), but I'm pretty sure the men I've met are either scared of me or clueless of how smart I am (because they're men, they know better) so they think they stand a chance (when they don't, due to too many issues). I think I'll be alone forever - I'd be fine with cats.

tauruspiscescancer · 2020-02-06T14:28:33+00:00

I’m kind of in that boat right now actually. I have my Master’s and I hold a government job doing research and the guy I’m seeing only has his Bachelor’s and is working as a graphic designer for a small company. We don’t focus on that at all. We focus on the important things: how we treat each other, the time we spend together, the things we do together, and ya. He’s very mature for his age, is such a sweetie, is very open and honest with me, which is more important to me than the degree he holds and job he has.

faircreditscore · 2020-02-06T13:47:35+00:00

My biggest strength is my brains. I fucking refuse to continue to date men who won’t acknowledge that. Amazingly, I’ve even been called “idiota” as a pet name before (when I took shit and didn’t stand for myself). Assholes. I will happily die alone before I give any more time to men who just think I am gorgeous and that’s all that seems to concern them.

thedennisnadeau · 2020-02-06T15:01:53+00:00

A guy that’s afraid to date an accomplished smart woman sounds like the type of guy that’s too insecure to “let you” hang out with male friends. Seems like this PhD is a good filter.

sellingoutstradiums · 2020-02-06T22:43:02+00:00

That’s crazy. I’d be asking her if she could give me some language learning tips lol

yeorre · 2020-02-06T11:24:09+00:00

The issue is that most men have such a fragile ego that they get intimidated if a women had a higher education or abilities than them.

One way could be to downplay them. This would also help to weed out those guys who’re looking for a mother replacement to finance their miserable life.

Other one would be not to state these facts normally but instead package them in an emotional way for example: „I studied this subject because I’m a very nurturing person and want to help others. By getting a job in this field, I believe to make a greater impact.“ Surely that sound almost a little bit dramatic or over the top but it takes away the intimidation and instead focused on your emotional side and makes you look more feminine in his eye again.

(Please keep in mind that this is just how I see it, I could also be wrong but so far this worked for me)

ThrowawayGreenWitch · 2020-02-06T13:23:49+00:00

She should try PhD's.

illusion_believe · 2020-02-06T12:38:52+00:00

Hmm. My male friends don’t mind when their GF make more money than them. They don’t date them for that. But for who they are.

Is she the bragging type ? Does she mention it because they asked or she just say it out of nowhere. She’s the recruiter during the date. She should be the one asking questions to men to see if they are good enough for them

Title	Dating someone with lower qualifications
Author	pianogirl282
Upvotes	45
Comments	29
Date	February 6, 2020 10:40 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ezqmaj/dating_someone_with_lower_qualifications/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dating-someone-with-lower-qualifications.683206 https://theredarchive.com/post/683206

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