Filled with resentment

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-08-09T13:41:15+00:00

You’re still giving him attention in your mind. Next time he pops into your head, say no. And choose to think about something else. Block him on everything. And go back to school or make a plan to level up.

Learn to set boundaries.

MalloryDame · 2020-08-09T13:58:02+00:00

Unfortunately there's nothing you CAN do about resentment other than let it go and invest your time and energy on yourself/what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Nevermind him, or what he does, where he lives, whom he dates. Just never think about him again and don't allow other people to talk about him or stalk his social media, etc. Just act like he doesn't exist and your brain will soon believe it.

What happened was on him, not you. If you allow any more of your time and energy to go to him, you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Just move on (don't need to forgive him).

MakeURegret · 2020-08-09T14:07:30+00:00

There is a good exercise that I think you should try from the book: The Charisma Myth.

For people who you know you’ll never get an apology from, but you still have to deal with them and/or their actions still weigh on you.

What you do is you write out a letter “to them” (don’t actually send it to them) listing all the bad things they did, all the ways they mistreated you, etc. Next, you write a response “from them” (you’re writing it as if you were them) here you have them write out the perfect apology. Everything you wish they would say, but they never will.

Then you read and re-read that apology letter over and over until all this past issues start to hurt less.

It’s a helpful way to trick your brain into getting that “closure” it will never get. I recommend reading the book to get more depth on the exercise, and also it’s a really good book.

I do not recommend this exercise if you think you’d ever take him back/let him back in. You may need that resentment to keep yourself from falling for him/his tricks again.

super_thinker_ · 2020-08-09T14:14:33+00:00

Sometimes I get weak and check up on people who have mistreated me. It stings really badly when I see that they are doing "great" online. But I have to remember that social media is all fake. It's just a scripted highlights reel of someone's life. And then, I also remind myself that these people with seemingly perfect lives on social media are most likely very insecure and most likely plagued with comparison syndrome (why else would they be showing off on social media?).

Rise above it, free yourself from comparison, and pity anyone who feels so insecure that they have to create a perfect image of themselves on social media. Your life is better without these people in it. You leveled up the instant you cut them off! And they leveled down the instant they lost you.

heliodrome · 2020-08-09T14:19:42+00:00

Every once in a while I remember something a guy did that ruined me, and it helps that I remember that I was with him because I needed his validation, but that today I am content and do not need anyone’s validation, so I don’t get in the same situation again. Today I only work on my life, my hopes and dreams and I validate myself and there is nobody else, who can do it for me.

I looked for validation in the wrong places, but I don’t anymore.

My job now is to not let anyone like this man in my life and keep working on my goals. And if I still feel resentful, I wonder why I’m avoiding myself so to speak and still putting energy in the wrong place.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-08-09T15:16:36+00:00

What you need to know is that recovery is not linear. It's ok to have that resentment and to backslide into it from time to time. Use it to focus yourself. When you can go back to school use that anger and resentment to prove him wrong.

But you are not doing worse than him. Compared to the black hole he made in his life you are doing so much better than he ever will. Narcs only cause destruction to others and themselves. It might seem like he has everything you want (success, city, etc) but he is such a broken disappointment that he will never really have or feel love.

You can finish your degree. You can move on and succeed with your life. You can love yourself. One day you'll find someone to love you the way you need. You're healing. Be kind to yourself.

KetoKittenAround · 2020-08-09T17:08:28+00:00

Take all your resentment and channel it into bettering your situation. Also you MUST delete and block everything to do with him. Do not allow friends to even mention his name. You shouldn’t have any idea who he is dating and what is going on with him. Screw him! It’s time you did better for yourself!!! Get that degree, work toward your goals.

You’re journey is your own and thankfully you don’t have him around to drag you down. All you need to do is pull yourself up and you can do that!

curlygirl507 · 2020-08-09T16:37:00+00:00

Can you finish your degree online?

WinterDoughnut · 2020-08-09T18:33:52+00:00

Dealing with resentment for me ultimately was about really KNOWING that I was not an all powerful being that induced these actions in men. I am not a magician, I can’t get someone who is great and kind to suddenly become a terrible, hurtful person. They were bad all along.

Two books that helped me a lot are Psychopath Free and Whole Again by Jason Mackenzie.

Remember that you already did the hard thing - YOU LEFT!! So be proud that you’re safe and away from the person most likely to hurt you. You have the best future ahead of you!

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-08-09T19:24:27+00:00

The resentment doesn't go away until you're hitting goals you've set for yourself. You're so focused on him being a horrible person but still managing to hit goals and have a good life.

You could hit goals and have a good life too AND be a good person/partner.

I know exactly how you're feeling, and I get pings of resentment too. And the only cure I've found is taking steps to do things I'm proud of.

PottyMouthx · 2020-08-09T19:25:46+00:00

Bad relationships uncover out own weakness and past traumas. A lot of people learn the hard way or don't learn at all.

Let yourself feel the hate and despise and channel it into bettering yourself. Let your success be your revenge. Let it remind you what you have to achieve and why.

willowgrowingroots · 2020-08-09T21:06:43+00:00

[deleted]

willowgrowingroots · 2020-08-10T02:02:31+00:00

[deleted]

limitededition19 · 2020-08-10T02:40:39+00:00

I used to hold soooo much anger and resentment towards my LVM ex too, he assaulted me and caused me to uproot my whole life after emotionally abusing me and treating me badly for almost a year, being stuck in a lease with him I never should have signed. I wanted so badly to cause him a fraction of the pain and bull shit he put me through, I was letting that desire make me lose site of my own goals and needs, I was victimizing myself because I didn’t get the closure I wanted and I hated how unfair things seemed. Everything changed when I read the this quote that was to the effect of ‘don’t down yourself in shallow water waiting for someone to save you’ I realized then that I needed to stand the fuck up, and save myself. I had to take responsibility for my part of what happened, not only that but I mainly had to realize in what ways I had undermined my values because of ‘love’ and that was never going to be worth it. I eventually made peace with the fact that he treated me like that because I essentially let him.. I decided that letting me treat me like that and trying to convince myself if I just loved him more he would change or see that I’m worth it was a better choice that making my life temporarily harder and leaving when I first saw the red flags. My anger faded and turned into self love, why would I want someone else to love me when I know that I am the best person for that job?

Cantelope_Whisperer · 2020-08-10T13:13:54+00:00

People who are narcissists have a significantly diminished or even non-existent capacity for feeling emotional connection. So while you have the capacity to be hurt by him, you also have the capacity for real and long-lasting love - which he does not.

Throw yourself into education, career, friends. Your goal is to be busy and working towards something positive. Eventually you will notice that he no longer occupies your mental real estate.

Also, what you are grieving is not who the person really is, but his fake persona (mask). The person he appeared to be does not exist.

Title	Filled with resentment
Author	willowgrowingroots
Upvotes	55
Comments	41
Date	August 9, 2020 1:21 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i6j852/filled_with_resentment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/filled-with-resentment.58920 https://theredarchive.com/post/58920

Comments