Has anyone ever dated a covert narcissist? What were the signs? How did you escape it?

randomyellowumbrella · 2020-02-21T21:16:17+00:00

I dated a narcissist and at the very beginning he was the most perfect being, he'd text whenever he got the chance, called me a lot, picked me up from work and took me places, introduced me to his friends, etc... I didn't see a SINGLE red flag, but with time he started giving me a mean attitude, we'd argue and instead of communicating he'd give me the cold shoulder for days (I was a pickme so I'd go and talk to him), got mad at me for the smallest mistakes, expected me to do X or Y thing if I wanted him to do something with me, he'd even ask me to act in a certain way in front of his friends.

The worst was when we argued because I had dinner with 3 male clients, and I was the only female, and he made a whole scenario and made me feel guilty about it, he told me the only way he'd forgive me is if I allow him to see other women too.

So yeah, narcissists are not very easy to uncover, however if you start feeling miserable in the relationship, don't try to make sense of it, you're not happy so you NEED to leave.

SigourneyReaver · 2020-02-21T23:27:10+00:00

Warning: novel

Covert narcs are sneaky, because they disguise their self-centeredness in low self-esteem. An extroverted narcissist will act like they're better than everyone else and that makes them special, a covert narcissist is more like the type whose narrative consists of the idea that "nobody understands them." They're weird, they're different, they're "dark." Maybe they're walking around dressed like Trent Reznor, or maybe they look like your average, regular dude but say they are "dark and different on the inside."

But there is still that same definite streak of self-absorption and self-centeredness going on - they still think they stand out from everyone else, and they still consider themselves to be especially unique or special in some way - even if that way is supposedly negative. A covert narcissist will still have a very self-centered mindset that mainly revolves around themselves without much consideration of how their behavior affects others. One sign might be that they're convinced that if they do something social (like go to a party) that somehow everyone's focus is on them in some fashion. Everyone thinks they're weird, everyone is staring at them, everyone is thinking this about them or thinking that about them. People on the street "stare" at them, they're being judged, they stand out in some way.

Often they will use the excuse of anxiety based on that self-involved viewpoint to do thoughtless things to other people like stand them up or bail out of invitations at the last minute. or expect friends/SOs to bend over backwards to cater to them without any expectation of equitable reciprocity. Or they will act abusively and expect not to be called out on their behavior because they feel that it's justified due to their impaired standing in society. They have double standards for their behavior vs. their expectations of other people. Basically when it boils down to it, a covert narcissist considers the quality of their life experience to be the most important objective not only of themselves, but they think it should be the most important objective of the people who care about them. So they're only willing to be flexible enough to take other people's needs into consideration if other people's needs don't require them to make any significant sacrifice of their own.

Signs:

1) Someone who's always promoting/verbalizing a narrative of how they're different than everyone else and/or rejected due to their differentness by most people. They may actually go so far as to make themselves look visually different than most in order to support this narrative.

2) Due to #1, they think that only certain "special" people tend to "get" them, or they only open up to a select few people and inform them of such

3) If you fit #2, they will share with you the trials and tribulations they've experienced in their life that made them into #1 to gain your empathy/sympathy

4) They will use #3 to establish unequal/unreciprocal relationship dynamics and double standards that invariably have you catering to them in some fashion while they have no self-perceived obligation to reciprocate

5) They will use #1 and/or #3 to rationalize their own selfish/thoughtless behavior. Won't pay for dates because past girlfriend was a gold-digger. Won't recognize Valentine's Day because past girlfriend didn't appreciate his gifts. Withholds expressions of intimacy because Mom was cold. "Forgets" birthdays because Dad left the family and never called. Acts like a jealous asshole because he was cheated on before. Will soak up expressions of care like a sponge but will still use the aforementioned excuses not to return the behavior. Will refuse to accept accountability or seek professional help for issues and expects to "work through them" by being enabled.

6) Instead of getting angry and having direct fights and confrontations to get their way, they'll use passive aggression, silent treatment, stonewalling, and detachment to control other people's reactions to them. If you have a problem with them and confront them on it, they will use silent treatment, stonewalling, etc. to punish you for confronting them until you drop the issue.

7) Can't apologize without assigning co-blame (if they can't successfully shift all the blame). Can't accept accountability without rationalizing/justifying behavior. Deep down, can't accept fault, period.

8) Will DARVO and gaslight the shit out of people and perform Olympic level mental gymnastics to prove #6.

And covert narcissists aren't just weirdoes. A lot of times they're "nice guys." One very common storyline of the covert narc is the guy who's been cheated on/treated terribly in past relationships, and it's somehow your job to rectify all his issues on behalf of women everywhere while simultaneously expecting not much in return. He uses guilt, manipulation, tears, hurt feelings, stories of past shittiness done to him etc. to top from the bottom and control your behavior and invalidate your reactions while getting you to put up with his BS.

How do you escape? By very strongly maintaining your boundaries, but insisting on confronting double standards and unacceptable behavior and by knowing when to throw in the towel when the behavior doesn't improve. (Hint: It probably won't. Covert narcissists are dependent on maintaining these sick systems in order to have relationships, because this is what works for them. If you stop enabling them, they will move on to find someone else who will.)

faircreditscore · 2020-02-21T22:00:06+00:00

Narcissists are dangerous because they seem so perfect at the beginning and depending on who, they can keep the act up for quite a while... that’s why it’s important to be strict with your dealbreakers and not write bad behavior off as them just having an off day/week/month. If their character is dramatically inconsistent in different environments/times... ask some questions.

Calm_Link · 2020-02-21T22:17:08+00:00

He made a comment when I asked him why he would scream at me for my dog upsetting him. "Well the honeymoon period doesn't last forever." The way it said it like it was a calculation made me understand. He afterwards starting blaming me and others for everything. Could never take accountability.

Averyhvw · 2020-02-21T21:48:19+00:00

Never dated one but my ex-BFF was one. They are very hard to sniff out because it is extremely important to them to keep up the facade. They have to be perceived as good and interesting without seeming full of themselves. But I remember my friend taking a certain pride in being “humble.” One time she bragged to her boyfriend’s friend (when he mentioned her crappy art), that she’s “really modest.” Not something an actually modest person would say. They always leak little clues like that. My friend and I made fun of her for that so of course she never made that mistake again.

Another thing she would do is she’d have to have a direct relationship with everyone who entered our friend group. She had to be the contact person so she would immediately start a phone or text relationship with any new friends who came into the group. This was so she could play telephone between each member in the group, distorting facts and making up stuff to make everyone think she was their closest friend and everyone else couldn’t be trusted.

I noticed that we would meet people together and we’d all hit it off great. But as soon as she had a chance to hang out with them alone, literally the next time I saw the new person they would be a little bit mad at me, put off by me, or just not as friendly as before. A covert narc boyfriend might do this with anyone he perceives as a threat, someone he’s jealous of but doesn’t want to cut off, I’m assuming.

She was always using me to make herself look better, by making me look worse (mostly behind my back).

She would control people with disapproving looks, or to show anger just ignore them when in groups. What pissed her off the most was not being the center of attention, or the most interesting person in the room. I usually noticed her pissy attitude when it was my birthday for instance, or anytime when new friends or guys showed more interest in me than her for whatever reason.

It’s hard because a narc will love bomb you, try to find out everything about you and you might think that’s the normal start to a romantic relationship with “the one.” In fact they are just trying to learn about your motivations, fears and insecurities so they can better manipulate you to their advantage. They treat people like things, or tools since they only keep you to use you for something. If you’re really into a a cool hipster hobby, that could be advantageous to them to say “oh my friends really into X,” when meeting new people. For them it’s as good as having that hobby themselves because they can act like they know all about it without having to put in any effort.

There were a lot of red flags that I ignored mostly because during the love bombing phase I had determined she was a good person, and friend and I stopped vetting her. Never stop vetting!

Edited to say: Sorry for the length. And that the only way I escaped was by going grey rock with her. Just accepting that she would trash me to anyone and everyone, and only the truest of friends would see through that, and probably not anytime soon. And I just stopped hanging out with her all the time, but honestly that was mostly her choice since she thought our mutual friends were her property and since she could so easily manipulate them and the truth they all thought I was the problem. I’d still see her once in a while, mostly so I could see my old friends, but I realized it’s not even worth it. Just to see some old “flying monkey” friends? Much better to just never see her again. Maybe I’ll see my old friends again but it seems risky. You just have to cut your losses with a narc. What’s your situation like?

ironymaiden87 · 2020-02-22T04:01:09+00:00

Unfortunately there are a few narcissists in my life and now that I know more about NPD I can generally spot the signs. But one of my exes, who I was with for 4 years, was a rather subtle narcissist and it really crept up on me. What I have observed about narcissists I've dated:

Everything is about them and what they want to do, and they will trick you into thinking it's about you and what you want to do, but it ain't
Highly manipulative
They have no empathy, but they will say they do to endear themselves to you. They mimic empathy from watching real empaths but anyone who has two brain cells to rub together will be able to see it's fake, in most cases
Will always play the victim in arguments, and often these arguments are about how you're a bad partner for not giving them enough attention
When you bring up something they've done that has upset you and you ask for them to please apologize and not do it again, they will twist it so you end up by comforting them because "you think I'm a piece of shit and you hate me and I should just go die" 🙄
You get the sense you'll be easily replaced (and you will)
They always have to feel like they're better than you in every way
SO MUCH GASLIGHTING. OMG.
Very controlling. It can be really subtle but they will somehow get you to be what they want you to be. They could do this in the form of blatant verbal abuse or subtle suggestions about what you should eat, wear, who you should be friends with etc etc
You will find yourself subjugating your own needs, social commitments etc just so they won't get upset and have a tantrum about what a terrible person you are for leaving them at home when they "need" you. Don't be like me and devote your life to being a narcissist's keeper. It is NEVER worth it.

I can't emphasize enough the importance of getting narcissists out of your life. They are emotional vampires and they will bleed you dry. They will emotionally abuse you and gaslight the fuck out of you because they truly believe the world revolves around them and other people only exist to serve them. In my opinion narcs are becoming more ubiquitous because of social media culture and the internet in general. And true narcissists will either never learn or will only learn once everyone has left them.

Everyone is a little bit narcissistic and there is such thing as a healthy amount of narcissism, in the sense of wanting to look after yourself, but once it starts to be at the expense of others, you gotta check yourself and rein it in. And always watch out for people you see casually or subtly exploiting others for their own gain, rather than having a mutually beneficial relationship. That's a narc right there.

How did I escape my narc boyfriend? I tried many, many times but he'd threaten to self-harm (a horribly manipulative thing to do to someone who went through a parent's suicide at a young age). Finally he fell for someone else - a "friend" of mine, no less - and he pushed his emotional abuse and projection so far that I snapped and dumped him. Yet another situation that he manipulated so I'd always look like the bad guy.

But whatever. Thank fucking jebus I got out. That relationship was pure hell.

Maisiebr · 2020-02-21T21:29:59+00:00

Lovebombed me in a less obvious way, it felt as though he was not like that with everyone and was trying really hard. I felt comfortable with him very soon, he told me a lot about his childhood trauma, etc. He started to withold affection and subtly made me feel inadequate, annoying, undesirable, someone who doesn't worth any effort. It went a lot worse after that, and I was addicted to the trauma bond basically. I found the link to Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft on a radfem tumblr and read it within a day or two. It was like somebody slapped me in the face. Is this real? Are tgere others in situations like this? Did a therapist just spell out letter by letter what is happening to me? I also wrote down everything he said/did that felt unacceptable at the moment but I knew I will find excuses/change my mind about later. Reading them evoked a visceral feeling. Seeing them as it is made me realize that nobody should endure things like that. It hurt and I couldn't find any excuses any more. I started to go gray rock meanwhile searching for an apartment or a room to rent. Somebody betrayed me and told him so I barely got out.

Codedress · 2020-02-22T04:35:35+00:00

It is more easy to realize now. If he is attractive, he only wants to be with you because of your appearance. He is not interested in your personality, your goals, your dreams, or what you put effort into. His ears are deaf for that. he just thinks about how amazing they would be having sex or how he would show you to others as a status signal. a narcissistic man broke my heart and is recent ... his whole life is based on appearances.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-02-22T02:02:55+00:00

[removed]

Soulsalts · 2020-02-21T23:11:06+00:00

I briefly dated one. At first he was very friendly and generous. Almost to the point where he came off as a suck-up. Laughed at all my jokes, always had some cute story to tell, never an awkward silence.

I began to wonder, though, when some of his stories about his co-workers (all of whom are below him in the hierarchy) made it seem as if he was somewhat abusing his power over them. Not blatantly, it was hard to put my finger on it. But like he didn't care if underlings felt humiliated by the way he spoke to them.

I ignored these qualms back then, because he was unfailingly thoughtful to me. I began to sleep over, and eventually even met his young son.

Then I got to see the way he constantly, and I mean constantly, nagged his son. When he wasn't nagging him for stuff like, literally, breathing too loud, he'd be guilt-tripping him or making jokes at his expense.

Then one time I overheard him loudly and furiously berating the kid for something that was obviously an accident. It was like the scene in a movie that shows a glimpse of the serial killer's childhood, you know what I mean?

I broke up with him, but now we share a friendgroup, so I still see him. He is still friendly and generous to me, but I can never unsee the way he treats the people he "outranks".

Other warning signs were that he would fish for compliments, and deliberately try to garner pity - very off-putting qualities in a grown man.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-02-24T11:45:13+00:00

I did, my ex is prime example of covert narc. There were red flags but I was so naive that I regard it as him looking out for me. He’s always critique me and tel me what to do. He had multiple short relationships, extremely conscious of how people view him so he’d spend long time before going out. He lied a lot, and always turned the blame around me.

Title	Has anyone ever dated a covert narcissist? What were the signs? How did you escape it?
Author	jackofhearts23
Upvotes	28
Comments	32
Date	February 21, 2020 9:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f7ho1b/has_anyone_ever_dated_a_covert_narcissist_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/has-anyone-ever-dated-a-covert-narcissist-what.681793 https://theredarchive.com/post/681793

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