How do you distinguish the fine line between settling and making a mature decision to be with someone despite their flaws?

MarlboroGoat · 2020-03-11T02:55:59+00:00

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9penguin · 2020-03-11T03:10:00+00:00

You said 'flaws' but your examples are

Not putting down the toilet seat, or leaving dirty dishes on the counter

Those are not flaws, that's inconsideration and laziness/spoiled by mommy his entire life.

Flaws are something like ugly face, small dick, short, things he can't change, or things that are difficult to change or cope with, like being fat, acne, autistic, uneducated, abused past etc. Those are the flaws you can consider if he's worth compromising.

Inconsideration and laziness are proofs, not flaws, that he doesn't think highly of you. He doesn't love you enough to respect you. He probably doesn't love you for you, at best, he loves you for what you give him, at worst, he's using you until the shiny girl that can make him wants to put effort comes along. If you stay with him, you're settling for being treated as less, as his caretaker and not as his priority for the rest of your life. Run and never settle for someone like him.

2020-03-11T02:54:05+00:00

I feel like there's no real answer on this.

I think everyone sort of has value levels that vary throughout life.

Some things can be indicative of a bigger issue.

What happens when you ask him to move the dishes? Is he this way with all chores or just this one? Does he get manipulative when you ask him about it?

Does anything or how he acts about them hold up your happiness?

Are you unable to enjoy a good time with them because you're caught up in how they acted when you asked them to move the dishes? Are you unable to enjoy a date because you know you'll have to do the dishes when you get time and won't get to enjoy yourself?

And also are there things about you he's willing to overlook in exchange?

GlowInTheDarkSpaces · 2020-03-11T02:47:11+00:00

Work on the compromises now and find out if they care BEFORE you marry them.

vp2407 · 2020-03-11T03:04:46+00:00

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ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-03-11T02:56:27+00:00

Are these bigger issues that highlight a disregard for other people around them?

Yes. Leaving dirty dishes on the counter when it bothers your partner is disrespectful as shit. To him, it might not be that big of a deal. An LVM may not even be doing it with the malicious intent to bother you. But an HVM knows how to clean up after himself, because he's an adult. If, somehow, leaving dishes out didn't turn out to be indicative of other major shortcomings (not likely) - an HVM will respect your totally reasonable request to not be a filthy fucking animal in your shared home.

While the man who wrote it is still a clueless idiot, I encourage you to read the article "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink."

Acceptable, human flaws are things like he's bad at telling stories, or an insomniac. Maybe he's awful at parking or, god forbid, prefers audiobooks to print. They are not things that indicate a man is still behaviorally a child.

Amelania · 2020-03-11T03:05:38+00:00

I think one of the core differences between lv and hv is their response and reaction to you voicing anything in opposition. We're talking about fairly small things, like leaving the toilet seat up, right? On its own, a mild annoyance/inconvenience and I think it's completely within FDS standards to voice your feelings on the matter, and allow him the opportunity to correct the behavior. If he leaves the toilet seat up, leaves dirty dishes in the sink, kicks his shoes off in the middle of the room so you inevitably trip on them daily (fuck you J), doesn't replace toilet paper, and you've told him that shit is not okay, then he's low value and he's got to go.

I wouldn't give more than one, maaaayyybbee two chances on something like this, because it would be a sign of worse things to come. That may seem harsh, but fuck it was so incredibly annoying to trip over his shoes almost everyday 😂

Ms_Tilly · 2020-03-11T02:57:13+00:00

I have never regretted "throwing someone away" for "minor" flaws. I have only ever lived to regret NOT throwing someone away for minor flaws only to later learn they have even BIGGER flaws. Yellow flags are potential red flags for a reason.

vp2407 · 2020-03-11T02:48:49+00:00

You shouldn’t tolerate lazy men. If something about your partner bothers you so much to make a post about It then there is some work to do

masterofthebarkarts · 2020-03-11T06:40:28+00:00

Going off of those two examples I think the biggest question is context. My husband is generally really good about the toilet seat but when we first moved in together he’d forget sometimes if he got up in the night to pee. I reminded him a few times but it didn’t really sink in until one time I didn’t look before I sat when I got up in the night. I started falling and shrieked, woke him from a deep sleep. It’s never been an issue since 😂

Both of us leave dishes on the counter but clean them before bed every night. I understand some people find that gross but it works for us. It doesn’t strike me as disrespectful when he does it because it’s not like he’s leaving them there for me to do.

So to me the bigger question is really does the guy in question generally expect you to clean up after him or is he resentful of the standards you have for cleanliness? I’m naturally way worse than my husband about not putting things away, but unless I’m very stressed I clean up after myself at least at the end of the day because I know it’s important to him to have things clean. The dishes aren’t something you should have to put up with, but it’s probably reasonable to let him know it bothers you before bailing, and really same with the toilet seat. If he doesn’t care enough about your comfort to change those habits, that’s a much bigger red flag.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-03-11T03:06:48+00:00

This thread was very helpful to me: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f5y92w/be_honest_your_hvm_isnt_perfect_no_one_is_lets/

Turns out what I was "tolerating" was way more serious than the aforementioned "quirks." (Laziness, not seeing me often, not making enough of an effort, etc.).

The fear of "throwing away" someone "good enough" is real. But I don't regret ever breaking up with anyone. If I was thinking of it, that was a sign it should have happened sooner.

Edit: Also this one https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fffdzt/relationships_are_hard_is_a_myth_spread_by/

illusion_believe · 2020-03-11T11:09:14+00:00

Think on paper. This is what successful people do.

Write your qualities and your own flaws. Then write his. My friend did that when she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. She realized that she was actually the worst one lol

greenappletw · 2020-03-11T09:33:55+00:00

The more you work on your own mental health, the more obvious these things become I think.

Personally, I was codependent and a symptom of that is being controlling and expecting perfection from others (and from yourself). And with that, being unable to distinguish between normal flaws and actual patterns of toxic behaviors. It's a terrible high stress way to live.

Work on that stuff in detail and work on regulating yourself emotionally, and you will able to pick out the difference easily. There are men who leave dirty dishes out as part of their manipulation/sadistic abuse/ lack of basic respect. There are men who leave dirty dishes just because that's one of their harmless flaws. Context matters.

We use a lot of definitive rules here which are a great starting point for when you are lost. Real human interaction, especially a long term marriage, will have a lot more nuance and contradictions that you will have to figure out on our own. The only way to make sure you make the right decision is to always work on staying mentally strong and healthy and keeping the ability to self reflect and grow.

jetpatch · 2020-03-11T14:42:13+00:00

My question would be does he leave dirty dishes on the counter because he plans to wash then in one go or load the dishwasher or is it because he expects them to disappear and be magically replaced in the cupboard with clean dishes?

2020-03-11T04:27:27+00:00

[deleted]

Title	How do you distinguish the fine line between settling and making a mature decision to be with someone despite their flaws?
Author	vp2407
Upvotes	71
Comments	30
Date	March 11, 2020 2:41 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fgq4o2/how_do_you_distinguish_the_fine_line_between/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-distinguish-the-fine-line-between.680469 https://theredarchive.com/post/680469

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