How much does it really matter if you’re not his type physically?

venomoth91 · 2020-04-26T19:48:47+00:00

I'd find it more concerning that he said "he doesn't like blondes" when you are blonde. I know that happened with my friend too, where the guy always told her how he prefers brunettes, when my friend was blonde. It made her insecure and he was always saying things like that to her.

vp2407 · 2020-04-26T19:51:17+00:00

Guy #2 sounds like he's negging you when he says he doesn't normally like blondes. Regardless of his subsequent mention of you "converting" him, I can't imagine any reason for any man to say that unless he wants to incite a reaction out of you. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, it's a statement said to make you defensive and feel like you somehow have to prove yourself to him by comparing you with his exes. Fuck that. If you are as conventionally beautiful as you say you are, it's likely he's trying to bring you down. "OH but you must be pretty special" i.e. "I'm a choosey beggar but I'll make an exception for you, you're welcome."

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-04-26T21:07:03+00:00

In my experience, if a man tells you his physical preferences and you don't meet them, don't waste your time with him.

My ex husband told me when we first started dating that his type is 'skinny alt girls' (I know, maaaajor cringe). I am not at all that. I'm thick, and I don't have brightly colored hair or tattoos/piercings which he was so into. I have a pretty basic, yet in style, fashion sense.

But he claimed he thought I was beautiful regardless of not being his usual type, and we began dating.

All throughout our relationship, the fact that I wasn't actually his physical type became an issue. You can skim through my comment history for more detail if you'd like. Like an idiot, I still married him with these issues. Spoiler alert, we got divorced and he made it a fact to mention that one of the reasons he was leaving was because he wasn't attracted to me anymore.

Immediately after we separated, he hooked up with....you guessed it! A skinny alt girl.

Going forward, if I ever hear from a man "I usually go for [some physical type that's not me], but I think you're still sexy/beautiful/whatever" he will immediately be nexted. I won't willingly put myself through that bullshit again.

scaredscaredgoaway · 2020-04-26T21:30:30+00:00

To be blunt, attractiveness doesn't even matter. What I mean is, if you are not their type, I'd say, cut your losses and save yourself the heartache.

My ex was levels lower than me, but he pursued me pretty persistently and we had many mutual friends. It wasn't until later in the relationship that I discovered---without him ever admitting it---that he has a "type", and it's butch women who are preferably older than him by several years. He dumped me---a very feminine Latina woman who treated him like a king---for a 7-years-older, polyamorous woman who calls herself a "dyke" but follows men around like dogs and openly sleeps with multiple men at a time, buzzes her hair, wears men's clothing, and uses words like "tinkle" without irony. He'd known her for a week and dumped me on my birthday.

He used to tell me about how his first crush when he was a kid was Darlene from Roseanne. At the time I thought it was cute. "Oh, hey, that's good. Maybe he's always liked women with long dark hair who are opinionated". Wrong. He liked her because she was a tomboy, he just didn't say that part. I also noticed months in that the women he ogled in public were the ones with buzzed hair (I'm not talking that Skrillex cut that Cassie had; I mean a full-on, "join the army" cut), guzzling beer, and doing jackass-style stunts on the steps outside venues.

This is a lot on him for pursuing the most outwardly girly woman in the scene when he should have been self-aware to know I was not for him, but what I'm saying is...even if they're attracted to you initially, they will get spoiled and "used to you" and eventually drift back to their original type. It's not worth it. They'll even resent you for not being those things, and chip away at your self-worth by idealizing other women, and it will be a waste of your precious time.

Saitschik · 2020-04-26T21:06:19+00:00

Stop the Facebook stalking and observe how they treat you.

Guy 2 showed a big fat red flag when he told you he doesn't like blondes.

If a guy approached you, you are his type. Doesn't matter much how his EX lookliked imo

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-04-26T19:58:38+00:00

I believe one of our ruthless strategists said to find out his "ideal" type moreso than exes. E.g. if he liked one of the nerdy actresses on a sitcom growing up or the more glamorous type of celebrity/musician/whatever.

Guy #2 sounds like he is trying to convince himself and it's not OK. Don't date anyone who makes you feel like that... a man should NEVER neg or outright criticize how you look IMO unless it's a gentle "you have spinach on your teeth" after you just ate. If it feels like he is shaming or ungrateful for how you look, get your fine self out of there!

Source: Am fine lady. Been negged as if I were a bridge troll with barnacles growing from my skin.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-04-26T21:58:38+00:00

Oh, you don't normally date brunettes, but I'm special? Dumped and blocked. Even if he's not a lvm, I'm not interested in waiting around to find out. Either you think I'm amazing as is, or I'm OUT. Maybe it helps that I don't need a man or give two fucks if I have one on my life. I'm over negging and bullshit comments. OVER IT

2020-04-27T02:46:52+00:00

I feel like the only reason someone would say “you’re not my usual type” is to get you to bend over backwards to earn them, since they are starting off by not being attracted to you.

I’ve played that fool’s game. There are so many men out there who will be attracted from the get go, why even bother with someone who acts like they are doing you a favor?

brainsandb00bs · 2020-04-26T23:43:17+00:00

When I was in a college I went out with someone knowing I wasn’t physically his type and nothing he ever did or said to me made me forget it, it was a miserable experience, stick to people that want what you have to offer completely

Davina33 · 2020-04-26T22:16:50+00:00

Definitely be wary of guy number 2. I had a white boyfriend once who had two ex wives who were white women. Then he dated black women then me, a mixed race petite woman. I wasn't his type at all. How did I know this? Whenever we would go out he would be eyeing up black curvy women, who were his type. He kept photos of his black ex girlfriend, who he was dating before his most recent ex before me. He kept texting her. We split up because he lied about his age and was seeing both men and women behind my back. I found these texts he was sending to people from sleazy websites.

colourwayss · 2020-04-27T15:59:58+00:00

Idk, anyone with too rigid and specific of a type has some kind of issue that you probably don’t want to be involved with. Whether they know it or not, they’re seeking out specific kinds of women and pushing them into the role of surrogate for someone from their past. Preferring women of a specific build or hair color or whatever is one normal and natural, but being incapable of attraction to anyone that doesn’t look exactly like your third grade teacher or high school sweetheart or celebrity crush is a red flag. Guy #2 is clearly an immature asshat and I’m glad to see you’ve realized that. If Guy #1 hasn’t said anything about how you’re not his usual type, I think that’s probably a good thing. He’s more likely to see you as your own person than a substitute for someone else.

juliannawackenhat · 2020-04-26T19:49:12+00:00

It’s all perspective, I guess. As a brown-haired petite girl, I always consider that my exes have downgraded if they end up with a tall skinny blonde. Every boyfriend I’ve had for the past 25 years has told me he loves that I’m petite. People have a type. Are there outliers? Sure. But maybe consider the fact that everybody’s idea of “conventionally beautiful” isn’t the same and make sure you’re a person he enjoys being with, not just looking at.

Edit to add a personal story about a friend. She’s what you’d probably call conventionally beautiful. Tall, fit, gorgeous long blonde hair. Her husband was always caught talking to people she’s refer to as “just a brown girl, brown hair, blah personality, just brown”. (Not talking about skin color at all. Well that husband is now her ex and he’s has many drop dead gorgeous girlfriends and every one of them is brunette. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PoeticINFP · 2020-04-29T17:50:42+00:00

If someone's basing my type based on the last few guys I've dated, they're going to be very confused. It wasn't until recently I realized I might have a type --guys I'm most attracted to or who stand out the most to me. It's a mix of temperament and looks.

Hennyyenni · 2020-04-27T01:47:13+00:00

I’m a thick Latina with big curly black hair, a dark tan skin color, and I have a pretty face that’s very ethnic. But I get confused for mixed or Asian or middle eastern a lot. All the guys I’ve dated have dated women that look like me. The most obvious was this white dude who grew up around black people so his type was black women and Latinas. I remember I straightened my hair and I asked him if he liked it and he said yeah but I like your curls more. And I’m just thinking in my head yeah obviously you only date black and Spanish women of course you gotta love the curls.

On the other hand I dated a black guy who showed a clear dislike of black women. He liked Spanish women but he definitely loved white women. He now has a white girl and is still hitting my ass up. But it was ridiculous. I think he had a complex because he looked “fully black” but his dad was Puerto Rican and his baby momma was a Puerto Rican girl so he developed a strange complex.

I guess also it’s like if he has a baby with another woman, that’s gonna be his type. My other ex who was a light skin black guy his baby mother was a mixed race tan woman and then dated me and now he’s dating a woman who is either Latina or Asian but it’s a clear type.

Also it depends. Do they put down women who don’t look like their type? Because that’s something low value men do. The thing is women can be beautiful with black skin or white skin, thick or skinny, curly hair or straight hair, petite or curves. A beautiful woman is beautiful. So a guy that actively puts other women down is a no go.

reveniiso · 2020-04-27T14:47:14+00:00

Also, i used to go for only guys with black hair who looked really young with slim and tall bod.

I met german who was 6,3 slim and toned but had dark blonde. I wasnt into him at first but realized i really was head over heels for him.

So i feel like hair color can be different and slight things but things like body type snd race is hard to change and rarely they do.

I never feel attraction towards and even if therr is attraction, the attraction towards short or guys with averagr or chubby or too muscular type , it can never be higher than guys who look young with slim and tall bod with aloof and quiet personality.

Title	How much does it really matter if you’re not his type physically?
Author	venomoth91
Upvotes	15
Comments	41
Date	April 26, 2020 7:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g8ky0w/how_much_does_it_really_matter_if_youre_not_his/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-much-does-it-really-matter-if-youre-not-his.677509 https://theredarchive.com/post/677509

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