HVM not proposing, how do I approach this?

Sage_Planter · 2020-06-03T21:59:05+00:00

Have you two discussed timelines for marriage and kids? It's an important conversation to have in a long term relationship. There's nothing wrong about having an open conversation about where he sees the relationship going and what he thinks about next steps. It's not an ultimatum, it's just a discussion. You need to be able to walk away if the answer isn't what you're looking for.

2340000 · 2020-06-03T22:07:32+00:00

The most you should do, is ask what his plans are for next year. That's it. No marriage talk. No future faking. Anybody with half a brain knows you're thinking about marriage. So do yourself a favor and realize he isn't stupid.

OP, you cannot let a man decide your future. Okay, it's been 14 months.... And nothing yet? What does that mean? Seriously.

Why should you have to encourage him with an ultimatum? As if he needs a reminder. Separate what you want from what he's provided. Don't give an engagement power over you. Let him be scared off.... Why does that matter? You can't list all the stuff he did like meeting the family, if he hasn't offered you the one thing you want🤷.

You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. He should've been dating you with intention. Sure, you have similar values. But until he's shown action, they're just words. Stay true to yourself. I can promise the engagement will be bitter if you had to use ultimatum

ldonnawho · 2020-06-03T21:22:24+00:00

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shethrewawayaccount · 2020-06-03T23:26:09+00:00

Damn off topic but how did you meet this man? So happy for you finding a HVM

DelicateDream · 2020-06-04T06:54:52+00:00

Read FDS recommended book “Getting to I Do”.

It will explain how to approach the matter in a feminine way that doesn’t put him off so you can express how you feel and what you don’t want and then he has the space and freedom to meet your needs in his way without feeling controlled.

Example - you ask when it’s a good time to talk about it. That way he doesn’t feel ambushed. Then in that time, tell him you don’t want to date someone indefinitely because marriage is important to you. You don’t threaten to leave, but let him know the you won’t wait forever. Mentally you keep your timeline. You don’t communicate any ultimatum or exact timeline but you are mentally prepared to honor your timeline. That should give him enough space to feel like it’s his decision to propose. But you have to love yourself more to be ready to walk if he doesn’t come through.

2020-06-03T22:47:20+00:00

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RadarFemef · 2020-06-04T03:32:44+00:00

You make your goals and expectations known, and if his aren’t compatible, you move on. Sooner rather than later

throwawayitst · 2020-06-03T21:36:02+00:00

Okay. Im going to tell you what Dawn Maslar in men chase women choose said and trust me, id think carefully about this advice because im sure you’re about to be hot with a whole lot of conflicting advice.

She said not to give a man an ultimatum because even if he wanted to before, he wouldn’t enjoy it anymore. Also, not your mothers rules said something very similar.

Its been a while since ive read them so ill try my best to state it.

You have to let him know, calmly and kindly that you’re someone who doesn’t believe in dating for too long and would like to get married.

Then give him 4/5 weeks if he says he’ll think about it and then say, I really like you, and ive been getting along with you a lot, but I really need to know your answer whatever it is in the next 4 weeks. Then back off.

Its a difficult decision even if he really wants to but he needs to take that leap on his own!

Im going to try to find an old comment of mines because i think i wrote it better.

The authors say that yes its a very anxiety provoking time and decision for you but whatever you do don’t become clingy, or naggy.

atreethatkeepsgrowin · 2020-06-04T03:14:21+00:00

Do you live together? Does he want to see you more often than you want to see him? Deprioritize him in your life until he wants to see you more than you want to see him. Tell him you need commitment in order to make him a priority.

Kristeninmyskin · 2020-06-04T07:14:41+00:00

This is something that I thought was in The Rules, but I can’t find it now. It is similar to what U/throwawayitst said. Not an ultimatum exactly, but a hint about the removal of yourself from the relationship if it’s not going in the direction you want it to. It was something like:

”I don’t want to start dating again, but I will, because this relationship doesn’t seem to be progressing/ going in the direction I want it to.”

And then you say nothing and let them process that and think about what they want to do about it.

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-06-04T15:20:43+00:00

Hi OP! Maybe you won’t like this answer, but I’ll say that if anything...this is suspicious. The guy is 35, he has clearly shown his investment with buying a car and meeting your family, talked marriage...everything BUT offering you the actual ring. To top it off, you’ve been dating for over a year. If you read the FDS article on “men know right away”, most men who are marriage minded, decide rather quickly if you are right for them and will be excited to secure a future with you. I’ve known many couples married for decades and their stories are similar: the man is SO excited to marry that he asks pretty much a few monthes after getting to know you. In fact, he is very persistent and the woman is the ones taking time to decide if she wants to be with him and stretching out her answer.

I don’t think he is oblivious to the fact you want to marry. Maybe, he is planning the perfect proposal right now! But you need to account for the possibility that despite all his amazing qualities, you may have to give up on him.

I would say, don’t give an ultimatum because it never ends well. Bring it up in a discussion, “what are your plans for us in the next year?”. If he doesn’t outright say he is planning to propose, walk away. If he says he wants to propose, give it until your deadline, and if it’s a no show- walk away. I know it’s hard but honestly if he sees your value and isn’t itching to make you his wife, he just doesn’t want to and it’s not your problem to decipher.

grandeorange · 2020-06-03T22:44:23+00:00

I think the other posters have given you pretty good advice. My husband proposed to me after 16 months of dating, we had pretty clear communication from the start. About 4 months after we met we went to 6 weddings together as each other’s dates, so that helped to spark the initial conversations of things like “do you ever see yourself getting married?”

Do you have any friends who’ve recently married or gotten engaged, or even have had kids? You could use that as a starting point for the conversation. You could start out like “One of my close friends from college just had her second child! I’m really happy for her and her husband.” Then wait and see if he replies or acknowledges it, and follow up by saying something like “do you ever see yourself going down the path of marriage and a family?”

cogitoergosum7 · 2020-06-04T03:30:40+00:00

14 months is not too long, give it a few more months and keep playing your cards right. He might be proposing sooner thank you think. There’s a lot of people who’ve been waiting for years on here just don’t be them lol.

mscristalconnors · 2020-06-05T19:49:02+00:00

Damn saving this. So many gems from you ladies.

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FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-06-04T09:22:38+00:00

[removed]

Title	HVM not proposing, how do I approach this?
Author	ldonnawho
Upvotes	72
Comments	38
Date	June 3, 2020 8:26 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gw1vs9/hvm_not_proposing_how_do_i_approach_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/hvm-not-proposing-how-do-i-approach-this.674525 https://theredarchive.com/post/674525

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