I need to ask a silly question...

SadClownProstitute · 2021-01-13T23:36:02+00:00

To me, nurturing is more of an emotional thing that requires a fair exchange, while mothering is more of a physical thing that is mostly one-sided.

Moms make food and do laundry and clean houses and kiss boo boos and act like a therapist, pack lunches make appointments and plan outings. Mothering is emotional and physical labor.

Nurturing is loving and supporting something or someone who brings you joy, and requires a minimal amount of physical labor.

My plants bring me joy. My cats bring me joy. In return I provide them water and food and adequate attention.

In human terms nurturing is a complete two-way street. You give it and you get it back. Mothering is almost always a one-way street, you give and give and give and they take and take and take.

NurseBubbleGum · 2021-01-13T23:19:55+00:00

No cooking, no cleaning, no tidying up, no washing clothing, no buying toiletries, no picking out clothes, no making appointments, no filling out forms or applications, no help with school work or businesses

Anything I expect I do for myself, they should be able to do for themselves. The list is what I help my son do and am teaching him to do for himself, so my partner better damn well be capable if a 10 year old is.

climbergal928 · 2021-01-14T00:36:07+00:00

I think the simplest, most clear advice here that can be applied to all dating.

Match their energy

If they aren't nurturing to you don't be nurturing back

Platipus6 · 2021-01-14T01:13:51+00:00

Check out the book "Growing Up Again"

It's for parents->children but it can be warped into creating a mommy-child dynamic with men. If you're constantly thinking, planning, anticipating and then going ahead and doing what he never asked, you're mothering. You're treating as if he's incapable of doing it, and incapable of asking if he wanted help.

There's assertive care, which should ONLY be used when he's incapacitated. eg. serious illness or injury. Where you take over and do what needs to be done because he can't (broken arm/leg/spine/coma). Otherwise, HANDS OFF.

There's supportive care, where you recognize what needs to be done but you stop before bulldozing ahead. He's free to ask for, and accept or reject help. He has the right to say no, he doesn't want help. You're not doing him a favor or building goodwill by infantalizing him.

There's overindulgence, which I think a lot of "mothering types" do too much off then end up with a manchild, because he starts to think it's the norm, and takes you for granted. It teaches him not to think or look around because you've trained him that messes just vanish and food cooks itself.

Mothering Food example

You think, plan, put his preferences ahead of your own regarding the menu, go grocery shopping, haul it all back, prepare it, serve him, put leftovers in containers, and do all the dishes. He sits down and eats. That's all he does. He doesn't appreciate it and starts to expect it and feel like he deserves the royal treatment. He starts to think that your labor belongs to him and then he dumps an entire dinner party to impress his boss on you.

Nurturing Food example

You discuss what you'd both like for dinner. You think ahead to who can pick up the groceries with the least disruption to their day. He carries it in. You both cook together. You serve yourselves. You sit down and have a pleasant conversation and appreciate each other. You both clean up and put leftovers away. He looks around to see if there's anything else he can do before he leaves the kitchen. He asks you if you'd even be interested in helping him host a dinner party to impress his boss.

See also "Games people play" for the Parent->Adult->Child methods of communicating to see how and why you might be treating men like children and reinforcing the parent->child dynamic, and why you can't sustain Adult->Adult communication.

Stop and think "are his hands broken, did he ask?"
Do things with him, not for him.
Is he putting equal energy into solving his problem?
Is he ever 'doing the same' for you?

Altowhovian93 · 2021-01-14T00:06:00+00:00

No unreciprocated emotional labor. You are not google, Siri, Alexa, cortana, or a calendar.

apple_cores · 2021-01-13T23:33:45+00:00

I’m the same way. I had to learn to do way less than I had a desire to do. Like others have mentioned, do not do any more than they do. People invest in things/people they see a future with. He needs to be the leading the nurturing of you and your relationship. If he’s not doing that then he’s not serious. Many men take advantage of womens’ kindness and natural inclination to nurture so don’t do it - It will only end in tears and regret. You can show you care without nurturing a grown ass man.

devoushka · 2021-01-14T03:07:18+00:00

Doing chores or unreciprocated favors for a man is mothering. My former pickme self once took my ex's necklace to the jeweler to get the chain shortened - he easily couldve done it himself. That's mothering.

Being nurturing is caring about how they feel, their goals, dreams, fears etc. Listening to them. Supporting them emotionally. But only if they are doing the same for you.

vidaDelColor · 2021-01-13T23:18:20+00:00

I’m not sure, but I think a good first step is to ask yourself whether you enjoy doing it.

Scenario A: You like cooking dinner for your man once a week and serving him like a king?

Cool! I hope he’s treating you like a Queen in return :)

Scenario B: You don’t like cooking, but do it because he asks / begs / somehow implies that you should?

Don’t do it. And probably leave.

Espionagess · 2021-01-14T06:31:07+00:00

The danger of nurturing/mothering men is that usually you're giving more than you're receiving. This is why 50-50 money wise is a scam.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2021-01-13T23:22:21+00:00

I mean, serious answer is to get a pet and nurture it. Cats and dogs are loyal, fun companions.

When it comes to "how to treat a man" - give as good as you get. If you like cooking, do it because you like it but not FOR HIM. And if he does nothing in return, just nurture yourself and don't give him any. If he seems to expect it - throw him off and don't do it.

Espionagess · 2021-01-14T07:20:13+00:00

Make sure every effort of yours is worth your while or reciprocated. For example, if you're cooking meals every night is he paying for the groceries or going 50-50? If you're keeping the house clean is he paying more rent or going 50-50? Etc. The biggest danger is you end up wasting your time, youth, energy, and resources on someone else while he gives his time, energy and resources to himself.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-01-13T23:21:48+00:00

I'd like to answer your question but I need further information on how you distinct nurturing a man from mothering him. Both sound the same to me.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-01-14T16:55:59+00:00

Reciprocation. I'm perfectly fine being nurturing and loving in a relationship as long as he treats me the same from day one. It's when you're the only one giving massages or emotional support that you become a pushover and they take you for granted.

_Atalanta_ · 2021-01-14T19:51:09+00:00

Don't do either! He should be doing nurturing things for you!

Title	I need to ask a silly question...
Author	icecream1013
Upvotes	111
Comments	19
Date	January 13, 2021 11:14 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kwsksr/i_need_to_ask_a_silly_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-need-to-ask-a-silly-question.745366 https://theredarchive.com/post/745366

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