~ archived since 2018 ~

I think I(25F) scared him(29M) away by setting a boundary

Lalaland_92 · 2020-02-25T01:38:07+00:00

I've been seeing a man for a couple months - he's extremely fresh out of a live in, serious relationship that he ended. Things weren't...

Lalaland_92

February 25, 2020

30 upvotes

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Post Information

Title	I think I(25F) scared him(29M) away by setting a boundary
Author	Lalaland_92
Upvotes	30
Comments	130
Date	February 25, 2020 1:38 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f92a4e/i_think_i25f_scared_him29m_away_by_setting_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-think-i25f-scared-him29m-away-by-setting-a.693501 https://theredarchive.com/post/693501

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Two things you need to internalize. Being on this sub will help you. 1. They always come back 2. When they do, you don’t want them anymore

Please take a few minutes to reflect on what this guy did. He chose OLD before you. He chose the opportunity to meet women (a lot of them bots / scammers who try to get money through easily gullible men) over YOU. It’s clear from your writing alone that you are emotionally invested. Tried to make him happy, be there for him, chose to spend your time with him. Invest in him emotionally. Gave him all of you. Now realize that he did not deserve this! He showed you he doesn’t care for anyone but himself and his penis. That’s it! He will eventually wake up and message you again. When that happens you’ll realize it’s not a compliment. He just ran out of options and now went the easy way (in his eyes). Is that what you want? To be the last option? You might say no but right now all you want is him back. Time will show you that guys like him are cheap. You’ll find them on every street corner ogling you.
Stay strong! Your feeling will vanish.

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He said he just wants to be free and casual and have fun and be single.

Translate into real talk. "Free and casual" = he wants the freedom to have sex with other women. "Fun and be single" = a relationship with you wouldn't be fun. Don't listen to his buttery, slimy double speak. He is just trying to make himself sound excusable and keep sex with you on the table. The truth is that he doesn't think you are special enough to commit to and he finds casual sex with other women a more appealing. If he really liked you enough he would be thrilled to be in a relationship with you.

You still really think these are excuses and if he really liked me it wouldn’t matter?

Yes absolutely. If he liked you then there would be no reason for him to continue flirting and meeting with other women on dating apps. He is hoping to find someone better.

[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]teibe2 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

It hurts a lot. This is why we need to viligantly protect ourselves from investing too much into men who aren't equally invested. You let yourself be vulnerable around him too soon.

The good news is that as you older you will learn to internally validate yourself and not give a fuck so much. Also just because he is a human being doesn't make his opinion of you have any intrinsic worth. His opinion only matters to you because you like him a lot. But if you didn't like him, his opinion would be worthless. So one way you can counteract feeling bad is to change how you feel about him. Get angry. Make yourself disgusted by him. He is nothing special just an AMALT piece of trash that broke up with his girlfriend because he got bored (huge red flag) and now wants to play teenage fun time by fucking around. He seriously has shit character. You should be the one rejecting him.

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It's tempting to make excuses for the other person's behavior. But your priority should always be you and what's best for you. And you shouldn't change your behavior for them.

I don't know if this is your thought process but here's how I would have thought in your situation before I developed self love: he's just gone through a breakup. I will be there for him and shoe that I'm not pushy. I care for his feelings. I will be there and stick around no matter what and he'll see how good I am and will fall in love and suddenly start treating me how I deserve.

Unfortunately dudes don't do this. Dudes treat you how you show them to treat you. And if you're showing them "you can sleep with other girls and I'll stay" they'll say ok good great then I'm going to keep that up. And they will think less of you for it on top of that. They won't think "she's so considerate of my needs I should keep her around."

[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted]1 point 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

It might have, yes. It depends on him tbh.

He may just be annoyed by it because it caused a roadblock in his plan and he can't recognize the respect because he needs to pad himself with excuses about how you were nothing special.

It's sort of like if you do narcissism research they often hate the women that cut them out, but at the same time know that they weren't skilled enough to manipulate the woman into staying. It's a weird thing where the woman can't stay unless they put up with bullshit. The women who do put up with the bullshit don't deserve respect. The women who do deserve respect cannot stay though, because they won't put up with bad behavior. It's kind of a catch-22.

I know it's tempting at this stage to care about his opinion of you. It's tempting to know he's regretting letting you go. But the truth is you can never know how he really feels. Even if he told you, you'd never know.

But why you do know is his behavior. He isn't currently asking to be with you. That's all you need to know.

Work on yourself and do your best to pretend he doesn't exist.

[–]Lalaland_921 point 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]2 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

All of these feelings are totally normal. All of them. It's sort of like giving up a bad habit. Everything makes you want to return to the habit because it's comfortable.

But the best and healthiest thing for you is to quit cold turkey.

That being said, you will still feel this way for a while. But you need to stay strong. There's a Reddit for going no contact on your EX that may be helpful.

When I cut things off with my nofuckfuckboy it was hard. Breaking up is like quitting a drug. The hormones involved, you are literally addicted.

It just takes time though and the feelings will fade.

Do yourself a favor for now and distract yourself. Also block him and delete his number so you can't contact him.

Your decision to set a boundary is right. If he cared about you he would t have left. He doesn't care about you though. He cares about getting his dick wet. There's nothing you can do about it. But there are other dudes. Once you know your worth. Right now is a time to work on yourself and learn what you deserve.

[–]Lalaland_921 point 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]2 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Again it depends on him and his ability to recognize it as an action of self worth.

Jumping ship and never looking back, never consacting him again is the ultimate action of self worth. It says "I really don't need you to be okay."

But if he doesn't care about you at all it won't affect him one way or the other.

But again, you need to stop caring about him. You do not get your value from what he thinks about you. You get your value from yourself. But right. Now you're telling yourself you're not allowed to give yourself value until this unachievable external event is ahieved. But it's a myth. It's a myth that men and abusers thrive on.

You are worthy, full stop. And you don't need your worth to be proven by a dude giving you attention or respect. And his disrespect doesn't take away from your worth, either.

You, as you are in this moment are all you need. You don't need anything or anyone else.

[–]Lalaland_922 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link