Nothing “Happened” to Me- A Man Did Something to Me

hotbird1212 · 2020-05-21T17:05:23+00:00

Ahhh I just had an interaction at work today that is kind of related. Manager is interviewing people for my position because I’m leaving soon. Lady he’s interviewing is a young, attractive woman wearing a pencil skirt and high heels. Other male coworker says to me privately, “That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.” Excuse me? SHE is not the lawsuit. PEOPLE SEXUALLY HARASSING OTHER EMPLOYEES IS A LAWSUIT. NOT HER. It’s not US, it’s YOU!

2340000 · 2020-05-21T11:55:54+00:00

Great point. This way of thinking reflects how society sees women.

A man doing something implies that he's guilty. It's more acceptable to say something "happened" because it lets the perpetrator's actions remain ambivalent; it allows the incident itself to remain unknown.

I'd like to think the phrase is different when women talk to eachother. No stigma in saying "sorry that happened" mostly because a lot of us experienced the same thing. But maybe that's too generous.... I'd rather hear "I'm sorry he did that to you".

elementalvirago · 2020-05-21T11:50:59+00:00

I read once that even the way we talk about general instances of rape take the onus away from the abuser and put it on the abused, and honestly it’s changed the way I frame these conversations.

When we say something like “When women are raped...”, the subject is the woman, an abuser isn’t even mentioned. Like it’s just something that “happened” to the woman, as if she was just walking along and rape blew in with the wind.

When we instead say “When men rape women...”, now we cast the spotlight on the actual problem.

We can’t solve a problem we can’t easily see.

dahmerloveszombies · 2020-05-21T16:26:59+00:00

Editor here. Passive voice erases the actor. This is done on purpose.

hotsouple · 2020-05-21T16:58:45+00:00

I also hate the classic Reddit response of "who hurt you?"

quietmirth · 2020-05-21T16:54:11+00:00

“I’m sorry you met that piece of human excrement” is a better response.

silllybands · 2020-05-21T17:18:05+00:00

I try to be so open about it now— it really helps me heal. I don’t like to keep things bottled up, so I tell people that I TRUST. Tell me why people were asking me “what did you say though?” “What were you wearing?”

What I say, what I do, and what I wear is NOT consent!!! Why is this still such a difficult concept for some people.

he assaulted me. He did something to me, as you do gracefully put it. I wasn’t “asking for it” and it wasn’t something that just happened.

DivineHag · 2020-05-21T12:19:05+00:00

Fk yeah, name that problem, name it!!!

gabydrt · 2020-05-21T16:46:16+00:00

It’s so powerful to place the guilt and shame on the abuser, and freeing the victim even with only those words

Elelavrie · 2020-05-21T21:20:50+00:00

It reminds me of a phrase I especially loathe, "She got herself pregnant".

cherthemusical · 2020-05-21T19:24:29+00:00

Yep, also:

Rape, domestic violence and abuse of women aren't womens issues. They're mens issues because men are the cause of these issues and they need to start solving them.

RadarFemef · 2020-05-22T09:19:05+00:00

A man raped me when i was in college. I don’t like to say “I was raped” because it’s more accurate to say “a man raped me.” It’s not a passive event, and I’m not going to use a passive verb

Myplummms · 2020-05-21T20:09:55+00:00

This reminds me of yesterday, when I was at the store with my sister. We bought groceries and a lot of drugstore makeup, but as we were checking out I saw a rack of 5-inch pocket knives near the till. I started to think of times I or my sister were alone in a parking garage or outside a convenience store and felt afraid or threatened by strange men. The guy who was ringing up our stuff when scanning our makeup laughed and nonchalantly said, “just girly stuff, eh?”. I placed two knives on top and said, “yeah. Just girly stuff.” This is the culture we experience as young women.

sterne_arctique · 2020-05-21T21:32:07+00:00

Especially that “I’m sorry for what happened to you” is usually followed by”BUT NOT ALL MEN”

Title	Nothing “Happened” to Me- A Man Did Something to Me
Author	Kekekeke7777
Upvotes	556
Comments	37
Date	May 21, 2020 11:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gnv91a/nothing_happened_to_me_a_man_did_something_to_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/nothing-happened-to-me-a-man-did-something-to-me.675574 https://theredarchive.com/post/675574

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