I chat online, as I've mentioned before, and have done so for years, on several different programs, from the 90s til now. That's a long, long time. I'm a past master at never giving away anything that would allow some scrote to stalk me, so I can answer easily without giving away any real identifying details. For example, when asked where I live, state only. If asked where in the state, central area. Hard boundary at telling them which city, although this city is big enough it would take some effort to find me. No point making myself easy to stalk.

Lately, the past few years, it's become a THING for men to use dating sites and anywhere else that allows conversation as dating sites. I highly suspect there's a thread somewhere in the manosphere of how dating sites suck, my dudes, so how can we branch out? And they put their tiny pea brains together, and decided to infiltrate anywhere there's the possibility of chat.

There's a whole lot of complaints online, mostly from women and a few men, about idiots trolling Words with Friends, how you can't just play the game without some scrote (or foreign female scammer) wanting to chat. I'll play against anyone, since I'm just there to play the game, but if a man ever asks to play, the first thing I do is mute. If I forget, he'll message sure as shit, and I still mute. Answering is a no no; they assume you're available, looking, needing company. Using your words, being blunt do not help. So why bother chatting at all if they aren't going to listen?

In chat, just as with WWF, there has been a recent explosion of men going to a place that's primarily just for chat, music, and cams, plus a few games, and using it as a dating site. I'm beseiged by these men, who all tell me I'm "beautiful" (eye roll, I'm average, plain, don't wear makeup, and I'm 53. Kindly don't blow smoke up my ass.)

I'm offering this list, in no particular order, as a quick way to vet. I use chat just to pass time in the morning as I wake up and drink coffee. I've told men this. I've used my words, and yet, they still won't take me at my word, because I'm independent, happy on my own, not looking, not lonely and yet, older and widowed, living alone. This simply cannot be. They cannot comprehend. Of course.

Really stupid things men do (mostly) online, so you know what to watch out for:

1) Invariably, these men love-bomb super clunkily and clumsily, if not outright slimily, which is all super easy to resist. Compliments on looks mean less than nothing to me, and it's all they know, because they don't and/or cannot see deeper. I tell them this, that I dislike comments on looks; they often persist with yet another compliment on looks. This is emotional incompetence.

2) They talk way too soon about how "great" I am, or what a "nice" woman I am. I push back: how am I great? how am I nice? They can never give specific examples, so I tell them their empty compliments are meaningless. It is abundantly clear they know nothing about me as an individual. Early, empty compliments are meant to lure more gullible women into a pseudo-bond. Now, telling me, wow, that's amazing that you have an eidetic memory and can remember individual pages of books you've read -- that's real, and yes, I can. Show me a page, give me five seconds, and I can tell you what happens on that page. They won't know that at first, but they never ask questions that lead to self-revelation, either. What do they ask? What's my favorite color, favorite meal. Boring, utterly banal, pedstrian, unimaginative. Being asked such drivel does not at all make me want to tell about myself.

3) They ask only pro-forma about who I am as a person. Often just knowing my marital status and lack thereof is enough for them to go off on tangents of presumption. Any widow must be broke, needy, lonely, horny. Been single for five years, desperate for sex and a boyfriend. No kids, will absolutely accept a ready-made family. This is precisely what they assume, and absolutely never ask me what I want, like, or dislike. This is very simplistic thinking, a form of objectification, because they see me as a type, not as an individual.

4) They talk way too soon, as in one or two conversations about plans for the future. Personally, I smell a gold-digger in the offing, or someone who wants a nurse and a purse. I sense someone who wants me to come in, take him and his inevitable kid on as a project, run their lives, do all the unpaid domestic slavery, have no wants or needs. Yeah, that's so tempting. SNORT.

5) They spin sob stories nearly every single time about how their spouse died, and it's usually in a car accident, or cancer, or something really dramatic. It's a bid for pity, a rather cheap way to pull on heart strings, and it never works, because who wants to take time or energy to verify? That too-soon bid for sympathy is the mark of a narcissist. Seriously, every single man out there is a widower? Really? What an amazing coincidence. Okay, a few are divorcees, but she ALWAYS cheated with his best friend, in his "marital bed" (same phrase). Again, wow at the coincidence. That use of what appears to be a well-worn script is telling, too. It's the mark of a scammer.

6) They invariably don't come across as fluent native speakers. Watch not all that closely, and you can easily spot the too-formal usages, subject/verb disagreements, the wrong use of the subjunctive (could, would, should), wrong turns of phrase for idioms, and especially the wrong use of reflexive vs. reciprocal. My dude, The Idiot With 10,000 Names, is willfully stupid: no matter how many times I tell him it's "know EACH OTHER" he insists on saying "know ourselves" because in Spanish, which I highly suspect is his native language, it's "se conocemos". Didn't know I'm initially fluent in Spanish? It sure helps.

7) They often want to keep tabs on you. Resist. This is how abuse starts, by trying to monitor your whereabouts. I have from childhood always been one to just leave, go off, do my own thing. Your time is yours to do with as you please, and no one should ever monitor you, because it's a short step from monitoring to setting limits on movement. Never let any man keep tabs on you. At most, have a phone with you in case you need it for emergencies... but then again, I also have AAA for roadside assistance. There's rarely any need to call anyone else besides roadside assistance or 911 for a true emergency. A text will do, if you even want to go that far.

8) They want marriage and all the conveniences that come with it for men. It's yet another reason why I insist on living apart and keeping all finances separate. Sorry to be a broken record, but it works so well for women to do this. Anyone younger and contemplating marriage and living together, live apart for at least a couple of years, ideally in the same city. A user can't keep up the mask of true independence for very long. You'll see how he lives, how he (mis)manages money, what his work habits are, what his social habits are, what kind of friends he keeps, etc.

9) They claim they want to date, so I tell them, you'll have to come visit me, then, on your own dime. You'll have to have a hotel room and a rental car. (Implied clearly is I'm not letting you stay with me, I'm not driving you around.) And be prepared to meet only in public; I'm not going back to a stranger's hotel room and I'm not going to be alone with any male stranger. They must understand that my safety comes first. For that first meeting, I'd also consider springing for a taxi or ride share, since I have a very easy-to-spot vehicle in a bright color.

10) Just remember that it's not that you're making it difficult for them; you're making them prove just how much they want to be with you. I have outright told men, I'm not moving; I live near family, friends, community. (Implied clearly is that I can't be isolated and then abused.) They would have to uproot their life, move here, find housing, find a job. Watch how fast their "interest" evaporates. That's very telling.