Hello ladies! I come bearing knowledge, the type that’s been acquired after being dragged through the coals you know well of.

Today I’d like to talk about the red flag of Maternal Enmeshment, or as we call it, momma’s boy.

Enmeshment can be easily disguised as a good relationship with his mom. He respects her, never speaks a word against her, is always nice and smiley around her, stays in touch a lot, perhaps if he has a sister he’s also exceedingly nice and close. All could be interpreted as good signs, right? He respects and loves the women in his life, isn’t that good? Well, not always!

An enmeshed man was raised to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother, instead of being taken care of by her as all children deserve. He was put in a position no child should ever be in, and it affects who he is as an adult. He was trained to act how she expects, say what she wants to hear, and never dare speak up or act differently than what she expects, or else he will suffer (emotionally and/or physically). He may be lead to believe his mother is so fragile emotionally that it was actually his job to keep her happy, again subverting the correct parent-child dynamic. Sometimes, this abuse is even covert or overt incest - sharing personal, inappropriate information with the child, or using them for backrubs and so on.

This type of upbringing does not allow the man to differentiate (discover who he is, no matter who his family wants him to be) and emancipate (detach emotionally from the need of his mother’s approval), both of which are necessary for healthy maturing. He was not allowed to be himself, or even develop a sense of self. He exists only as what his mother can witness (his actions and exterior), his internal world is unnecessary and unacceptable. “Loyalty” to his mother and her needs and beliefs is necessary for survival.

What does that cause? Well all sorts of fun things!

As you can imagine, any person in this situation would be very angry at not being cared for and not being allowed to be themselves. But anger is not allowed in this upbringing, so he suppressed it. Eventually, the man grows and finds a woman to reenact his trauma with - a surrogate “mom” that he can treat the way he wishes he could have treated his own mother.

He acts out and rebels. He pouts and demands to be cared for without offering any care in return. He does things in a “fuck you” act to assert his independence. All the healthy, normal things a child does to his mother as part of development... except he’s doing it to his wife, who has nothing to do with this mess (and who always just wanted him to be himself in the first place), and who is not responsible for raising him!

Also, Maternal Enmeshment is a risk factor fooooor... sex and porn addiction.

Although this can be healed with therapy, there are many ways you, a woman, can spot this dynamic in a man. Here are the things to look out for:

  • Boundaries Does he ever say no to his mother/sister(s)? Do they react well? Does he do it calmly and confidently or does he freak out? If the thought of saying no or disagreeing comes with an unreasonable amount of anxiety, and he’d rather to anything (even let you suffer) than say no to his mom, he might be enmeshed.

  • Authenticity Does his mom know and accept the real him? Or does he hide things from her? Some moms are really abusive and intolerant, but in that case does he stay too close and act like he loves her and she loves him? Or is he open about her flaws and keep a healthy distance? Is he hiding who he is, never disagreeing with her or having a real conversation, and still chasing her love and approval?

  • Anxiety Does he nearly lose his mind if you’re late to see her, need to cancel, or he doesn’t pick up when she called? If you have a grievance about how she treats you, is he calmly and openly listening or does he look like he’s somewhere else in his mind?

  • Guilt Does he randomly bring up how “his mom would hate this” or how he’s scared of doing something because of how she will react? “I can’t get a tattoo”, “I can’t eat this”, “I can’t wear that”... never mind if he wants to, his thinking doesn’t even go that far. He carries guilt for her judgement all the time. (Not the same as reminiscing in a moment that makes sense to remember her)

  • Her Compass Does he parrot her beliefs without a good reason to back them up? Does he hold beliefs that contradict his own lifestyle? Is he hypocritical and judgemental in a way he can’t even really explain?

  • Bonus: How Is She? If you meet the mother and she is controlling, self-righteous, intolerant, and treats him like a child even as an adult... Bad sign! Another thing you can do is have chats with her about raising children and find out her beliefs - eg. did she use physical discipline, was she gone all the time, how does she think children should behave, and so on.

If you detect an abusive, toxic mother and a close but anxious son and the family keeps an act of “perfect loving family”... trust your instincts.

Hope this was helpful! If you’re curious and want to learn more, look up “Ken Adams” and “Mother enmeshed men”. He has books and videos about the topic.