The other day, I commented on a post in Reddit’s relationship sub. The OP had left an abusive man, who was also bipolar, and was now pregnant. She wanted to know if he would change🙄 I spoke about her considering an abortion due to the fathers mental illness and the genetic component, his abusive nature, the fact that he didn’t want her pregnant, etc. She removed the post but sent me a message that mental illness isn’t a “death sentence” and that her own father is schizophrenic, and she’s fine being alone, and her child will be treated if they present w mental illness.

Here are my takeaways:

  • She’s right, mental illness isn’t a death sentence. But don’t underestimate how tough it is to have a mental illness. I have one. Before being diagnosed as an adult, the rage, depression, recklessness and feeling of “otherness” was present from when I was a KID. Like, I have memories in kindergarten that relate to my illness. Since I was not diagnosed until I was an adult, it was untreated this entire time, except from me becoming more self aware and attempting to treat myself. No medications, and I wouldn’t have been able to afford them anyway, esp In my early twenties. Medications aren’t always cheap, and my illness requires that my medicine gets adjusted constantly. I’ve just started getting help, so I don’t even know what this will mean going forward- side effects, etc.

  • With that said, we need to have serious conversations about the father of our children’s mental health, our own, and our parents mental health and consider the consequences. Then make decisions going forward. I was never really a fan of children but I’m pretty sure if I had been diagnosed earlier, I would have never had my own. Also, the mental illness doesn’t go away, you just deal with it better. I’m considered high functioning, but that doesn’t deny the fact that every day I have the urge to kill myself. I just ignore it now. Like a sober person ignores drinking. Hopefully when I begin therapy this feeling will fade, as it does tend to wear on the psyche.

  • Again, I’m not trying to hate on people with mental illness. This is my perspective. My mom was divorced and my dad is abusive, she was always caught up with that and was super distracted from her children. They both have mental illness, looks like I’m the only one who has it though, from a sibling perspective. However, I have told no one about my diagnosis, so they could have their own secrets too. Stigma too strong, maybe one day🙄

  • Aside of the mental illness portion, the fact that the father is abusive is pretty bad too. He may fight for custody, he may have access to your child. You can’t leave the state if he denies you, etc etc. She stated he wouldn’t do that, but these men will be the biggest deadbeats, taking you to court over and over again, for trivial shit. I’ve seen friends lose their jobs because of repeated court visits. They lost money hiring lawyers. They lost precious time.

  • I actually don’t believe in abortion for myself but I’m a firm believer that it benefits women. Thankfully I was never in the position to have to decide to have one or not, but I’m still grateful for it. It’s something to seriously consider when you become pregnant and you have no relationship with the father. Or for whatever reason🤷🏽‍♀️

  • The point of this post was to help ladies understand the consequences of dealing with abusive men, men with untreated mental illness, and to understand that family history can affect your child. We don’t talk about special needs/mental illness/other physical ailments enough, and we should.

Again, we can’t foresee our future and what it holds but we absolutely can make the best decisions with our choices with men. Vet for the best, period. Having a child is so much easier when the father is a willing participant. If you have to post if your abusive boyfriend will change, probably not the best guy. Just sayin....them consequences fall swift and hard when they want to.