"Do it for your kids"

RuleZeroDAD · 2016-10-07T16:11:18+00:00

I'm only going to post this once, because I believe this to be the biggest key to gaining any foothold in a marriage with children:

Don't just handle it, get ahead of it.

Most married men constantly find themselves in a reactive position when it comes to anything household and kid related. You currently feel controlled and emasculated by the situation, because you do not have the schedule, tasks, priorities and key information pertaining to your household on lock. Know everything your wife knows, and stay up to date. Can't do it because your job is Haaaard and time consuming? Fuck you, you're lazy.

You fucking know the morning routine during the school week. Get off your ass and get ahead of it the night before if possible. Pre-make lunches, check homework, meet with teachers, etc... Be proactive. Vacuum the house to your standards when you feel disgusted with the appearance of your things. Do the dishes because the house is beginning to stink, not because "mommy makes me clean, whaaaa." If you are truly blind to the fact that you live in filth, get your T checked and seek help for depression.

Yours is the man-child's lament. Be a fucking proactive father and lead from the front, as opposed to being the oldest little boy in the house. Your wife is repulsed that her oldest child wants to fuck her, and I don't blame her.

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-10-07T15:57:58+00:00

I'd need an example as I don't fully grasp the situation through your post.

But there are 2 things that stand out:

1 People act in accordance with the standard you tolerate. You let her act this way so of course she acts this way. You get what you deserve, she's a mirror of you so if she is acting this way it's because that is where you've led her.

2 You seem to resent her calling you out on shit you know you have to do. Why does she have to play Mommy to you? If she needs help and you know shit has to get done, why not do it without the reminder?

My wife doesn't tell me to cut the grass or take the trash out, I do it because those are the jobs I do. I don't tell her to do dishes or laundry, she does it as needed. Things work best when people fill their role and everyone does their job.

Scurvemuch · 2016-10-07T16:27:11+00:00

The idea is to be able to be a single dad. Think about that.

Edit: a well functioning and effective single dad.

Bread_Pilled · 2016-10-07T16:24:06+00:00

Here, Men are encouraged to lead. Unfortunately, many men lost that drive. Instead, they have become mere bystanders, observing their life pass by, day after day, as if it were a television show wherein they have no say-so in the outcome.

...But someone has to take the reigns of the family. Someone must chart that path. For these men, that someone has become their wife.

And now these men wonder, why? Why am I allowing my life to be dictated to me? When did I become a mere employee of my spouse? I am not satisfied with this situation!!!! Something must be done.

These men search for the reasons of their dissatisfaction, solutions to their problems, advice on how to address situations.

Some men are lucky and find this place.

Alas, enlightenment occurs. There is no longer the drive to sit passively letting life just happen. Instead, a roaring fire has been lit under their ass. These men are ready to reclaim their natural place in life. To become the King of their castle.

Unfortunately, their spouse has not gotten the memo and/or does not trust them to lead. The Queen is not ready to relinquish the throne. Hence, her de facto response is as follows:

she'll boss me around

Of course the King now considers this "irritable." But think: what other solution did she have? She simply stepped in to fill the leadership void that formed as he sat passively by. Someone must be responsible for the kingdom in his stead.

How can I maintain my own frame when she shifts her bossiness around to always feel or appear in control of me?

Continue to reclaim your thrown. Display leadership. Get shit done in and out of the castle. Be completely present for your children - one day you will want them to be capable of ruling their own little kingdoms.

Moreover, approach this as a blessing - every opportunity you have to do something is an opportunity for you to display value and garner trust back from your queen - even if that includes delegating projects to her that she is better suited towards. This is something to be grateful about. Eventually her mind will shift as she learns she has a trustworthy partner who wants to take the reigns and no longer wishes to sit idly by as life goes on. She will no longer boss you around because she won't need to.

Chinchilla_the_Hun · 2016-10-07T17:13:13+00:00

(why wasn't this in /r/askMRP??)

I'm gonna echo what /u/RuleZeroDAD said and stress being proactive/leading by example. The most trusted leaders are those who are able - or at least willing - to do what their followers are asked to do. The catch is not doing everything for them to the point of them being useless.

Also, you're probably right about her "do it for the kids" as being code for "I want you to do your work AND some of my work." Solution? Look at it from a business management perspective.

Make sure your "employee" clearly understands her responsibilities. Sometimes division of labor naturally occurs in marriage, sometimes it needs to be spelled out. Have no ambiguous job descriptions.
If she is having trouble accomplishing "tasks" that are well within her ability, identify and remove any obstacles that are keeping her from doing it. (The whole "I want you to be successful in your role" shpeel.) Does she need additional training? Demonstrate how to get it done. Does she need motivation? Use the carrot or the stick.

Personal example: I've got 4 kids 6yo and under, which means I've had a lot of time managing small kids while there's a newborn in the house. Whenever she was in a nursing period, Mrs. the-Hun would be pretty wiped out in the morning after getting up multiple times throughout the night and I'd have to pick up slack. I found it an added hassle dealing with tiny, attention-demanding, morning-people while I'm trying to get myself out the door for work, so I started making oatmeal or eggs the night before so I could just reheat and get them eating as I take care of my own shit. Guess who has since took up that same practice and does it now without my even reminding her?

Lastly, don't give into her frame of feels. By all means, help her manage her mental and physical well-being, but don't give even half a shit if she's going on about how stressed she is. Let her vent as much as you're willing to tolerate and then move on with life...if you're leading properly, she'll move on too.

CasperTFG_808 · 2016-10-07T17:40:17+00:00

My wife does the same thing. What I have learned is not to look at her behaviour, I look at my own and deal with it.

Wife tells me lawn needs to be mowed. Well she is right that is my responsibility and I haven't done it, my fault for not keeping up on my duties.
Wife starts to give me some of her chores, I ask myself why is she giving me her shit to do? Oh yeah because I'm sitting on my ass watching TV. Always be busy, always have a mission/plan. Women love to fill things, closets, conversation and time, if there is time to be filed she will fill it.
Wife asks me to do something for the kids - again comes down to my responsibility. I want to be an engaged father with my kids. Wife doesn't have to ask me to take them to their sporting events anymore because I am on-top of it, I take my son to every game and I don't play on my phone, I watch the game and cheer him on.
Wife asks me to do something difficult, this is one I just recently learned. She asks me to do something that she could do herself but it's hard, like scrubbing a Pot. For those I will do it, but she will have to endure some AM. Oh do you need a big strong man to clean that for you.

spexer · 2016-10-07T17:10:22+00:00

Start to laugh and say

"Funny how you are trying to tell me what to do."

You teach her how to treat you, so this is on you.

Dont get mad. Laugh at it. belittle it.

Ass far as justifications on why you should be doing more to make the house run.... well, what ARE you doing with your time?

If you are busy making life awesome, working out, doing that project you always wanted to do restoring the engine from the old mustang, then do you thing and say no.

If you are working on projects you feel take priority for the family, like fixing the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom. Then say no.

If you are watching TV or playing video games... get off your ass.

Pinelero · 2016-10-07T16:01:34+00:00

Why is she bossing you around in the first place? That is a loss of frame in itself, despite tossing in "for the kids or family" afterwards.

Don't you have stuff to do around the house or at least a division of chores?

BobbyPeru · 2016-10-08T02:21:54+00:00

Here's what I do: I get the whole house cleaned in 1 day. I don't announce when. I don't even say anything after it's done. Matter of fact, I don't even always acknowledge it when she says thank you. Clean and do chore work because you want to and on your own time.

UEMcGill · 2016-10-07T18:41:21+00:00

OP which is it? Are you a faggot because you can't say no to your woman? Or are you a faggot because shit aint getting done in your house?

As a leader you should be giving the tools and resources to your wife she needs. As a man you have the right to refuse shit and not give a fuck about her feelings on it.

This aint complicated.

FireTempered · 2016-10-07T18:23:47+00:00

OP every failure you describe is your own. With hard work, you might be able to understand this and accept it. Until then, please fuck off.

thisisme0007 · 2016-10-07T19:08:30+00:00

How can I maintain my own frame when she shifts her bossiness around to always feel or appear in control of me?

What the fuck does this even mean? It is not possible for someone to run around with their own frame and ensnare you in it. Leaving your frame is an active choice that you make.

drty_pr · 2016-10-07T20:52:40+00:00

This week I woke up to work out early. As i waited for my water to boil for my coffee, i packed the kids lunches that were already half made in the fridge from the day before. I then preceeded to do my routine. She gets up and comes down stairs.

her: you already made the lunches
me: say nothing (I'm mid lift)
her: i set my alarm 10 minutes early to come down and do this!
me: well i guess you don't fuckin need to then (as I'm expelling a breathe mid lift)
her: wel... (catches how stupid it would be to argue me on this)

She is then cheery the rest of the morning. I should also note that I made lunches the 3 days prior this week. Not as a covert contract to fuck her, but because I hate listening to her bullshit as I work out.

This is exactly how easy it is. Also everything u/RuleZeroDAD said to a tee.

screechhater · 2016-10-07T21:33:20+00:00

You suck and your wife is calling you out on it man child........ "Do it for the kids" AKA grow the fuck up, asshole

As the husband I always have cash in hand and hidden all over the house- as the best me- house is spotless. I have all of the answers to her questions before them, like "Yes, I have 1 mil in Keyman Insurance @ the business and 1 million insurance coverage for you and mortgage insurance to pay it off" "Yes, the doctor shoved his finger up my ass last exam and my prostrate is good"

Get so far fucking out ahead that she cannot deny you are the prize. Do you lift ?

Title	"Do it for your kids"
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	47
Date	October 7, 2016 3:51 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/56c17w/do_it_for_your_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/do-it-for-your-kids.199492 https://theredarchive.com/post/199492

Comments