Failing the jump

man_in_the_world · 2017-05-24T11:07:24+00:00

I think that in trying to follow "the rules" of MRP, you're missing the larger picture.

I'm wondering if/when my feelings will match up with what I know I need to feel and not feel.

The goal is not to replace your wife's frame with the frame of some anonymous men on a subreddit, or her validation with our validation! This gets you no closer to finding and living in your own frame. Seek your own authentic frame, validated by your own internal goals, beliefs, and desires, rather than what others expect or want of you.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Choose one thing you want to change, or one boundary you'd like to enforce that is enforcable that you're confident agrees with what you want, and work on achieving that. While you're doing that, don't worry so much about whether you're "doing MRP right;" keep lifting, reading, and doing your best to handle shit tests, but also continue being engaged and affectionate with your wife. So what if you miss a few shit tests for a few more weeks; don't worry about it. Once you achieve that one thing, pick another one you're sure about. Over time, you'll discover and build up your own authentic frame, rather than play-acting a confused alpha caricature that represents neither the true you nor any of the real, determinedly individual men giving you advice here.

I know I'm still motivated by sex and affection even though I shouldn't be

You're a healthy human male; of course you're motivated by sex and affection. MRP is not suggesting that you should not be.

Let me give you some perspective by way of analogy. As a human being, (and unlike sex) you must eat food to survive. You therefore must be motivated to get food. It is not a problem to want, need, and seek food. What is a problem is to be dependent on a single source of food, like a prisoner or a slave, or someone trapped on an island with a single store. Then the owner of the food source can starve you into submission, overcharge you for your food, or otherwise abuse their power over you. To avoid this sad fate, you must be able to

skip a few meals without a problem (OI; fuck-you money), and
switch to another source of food on favorable terms.

You can even choose to always buy food from a single store, or to eat only at a certain restaurant without fear, as long as you can easily switch to another should your preferred supplier fail to deliver in sufficient quantity and quality, or try to abuse your loyalty.

Your goal is to get yourself in the same position with respect to sex and affection, not to renounce your long-term desire for them.

Edit: Added fuck-you money link.

AustralianArm · 2017-05-24T03:11:50+00:00

Small tip, not everything is a shit/comfort test.

88Will88 · 2017-05-24T04:11:01+00:00

This is a confused confession, not a question, or a post. I would be surprised if it was not removed for poor quality. Just keep going to the gym, be your own point of origin and focus on your mission. The rest will work itself out

rebbit_reddit · 2017-05-24T04:40:07+00:00

Get into the bath with her

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2017-05-24T05:02:01+00:00

I don't understand your question - feelings match up with what I need to feel and not feel? But I'm pretty sure the answer is to just jump in and start doing stuff, and then go from there. This is the dumbest analogy ever, but you know how your phone GPS gets confused when you're sitting in a parking lot and it doesn't know which way to go and it just says "proceed to route"? And you're thinking, I can't proceed to route because I don't know which way to go and that's the whole reason I'm using GPS? You can sit there forever trying to reason it all out, but eventually you just have to pick a street and start driving, and then once you start your phone will figure out where you are and tell you how to course correct.

So my advice is, proceed to route.

Cunt_Robber · 2017-05-24T11:59:06+00:00

As someone who's not married (by following this sub im "looking ahead") but has been in relationships, the fact that you're still motivated by sex and comfort (and good for you for having this insight, it definitely sounds like you asked some hard questions and swallowed some hard truths about yourself and your situation) and are in the relationship/marriage at this time are making it challenging to internalize certain concepts and set out to execute the proper changes as efficiently as a bachelor would. If youre single, you would be able to take the necessary space and time to "reset" yourself and stay free of oneitis, etc. The more time spent with a woman, the higher the chance that you'll lose frame. It's tough remaining on top of it when a woman shoved shittests and comfort tests to try to break you, and you have to still love her and be warm and open with her as a husband.

UEMcGill · 2017-05-24T12:33:42+00:00

This is a little disjointed and better off on AskMRP next time.

What I'm wanting from this post though is if some of you could offer some insight into this, possibly share their experiences. Now knowing that my biggest problem is the fear of being alone, oneitis, and the need for my ladies validation, I feel more confident in my ability to do what's right for me.

There's a very good exercise in NMMNG that will help you with this. Take a weekend, and go away, just yourself. Maybe go camping, or to a local comicon, or hiking, whatever. The point is most nice guys don't know how to be alone with themselves or their thoughts.

What do you like to do? What's your hobby? Use this as a jumping off point.

Your wife asking you to stay and talk while she took a bath was not a shit test. Sometimes she just wants to talk. The rule here is pretty simple, if you can give freely, give. Do so with no expectation in return.

If you can't, be upfront and tell her "Oh babe, I'd love too but I'm in the middle of xyz... Next time" Keep it brief and don't DEER.

To summarize, I know honesty with myself is the right path, but I'm wondering if/when my feelings will match up with what I know I need to feel and not feel.

The best path for you? Fake it till you make it. Take a guy like /u/thefamilyalpha, go read his stuff. Internalize how he proceeds with confidence. When a situation comes up ask yourself "how would he do it?" then fake it like him. It's disingenuous, and at first will come off as forced, but that's ok. Eventually it will become natural, like any other habit.

brotherpotatos · 2017-05-24T15:32:11+00:00

Your desire for self-honesty is evident, and so is your cognitive dissonance. You are still in her frame though. I never trust any appeals to reason that my wife makes, its just a Segway back to unreason. I failed to set appropriate boundaries for my marriage, and rules for my wife at first because I was a dumbass, but since I started the RP journey, I have made gains by basically burning down situations where my earlier shortcomings came into play. I know at the end of the day that my wife is highly incentivized to keep the marriage, so by going nuclear and letting things come crashing down I win, though its painful and sometimes a given situation takes a week or more to get through. However, at the conclusion, I have successfully re-established proper controls that were previously not in place. If my relationship destruction leads to a dismantled marriage, then I am ready for that because I have cultivated OI. When in doubt, go your own way. Don't trust your wife even when she appears to be being reasonable. Like in business, you can only trust people you are working with if you understand how they are incentivized. If you don't have enough leverage in your marriage to go your own way and her follow, then you have a losing hand now. Don't half-ass it.

Triadis3 · 2017-05-24T04:43:03+00:00

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

https://youtu.be/Kz40vwcTGFo

You have to want to change FOR YOURSELF.

Not for the relationship, not for the sex, not for the validation, but for the fact that you're doing yourself a massive disservice if you're not striving to be the best man you can be.

Virtually everyone who's trying to digest the pill goes "Rambo"/0-100 WAY too fast.

Children with dynamite is a good read.

12 steps of dread.

It is a long hard road - that's why so few make to journey.

ReddJive · 2017-05-24T13:35:55+00:00

Her appeals to reason disarmed me

Logic vs Reason Part 1.

Logic vs Reason Part 2.

Deciphering whether I failed a shit test, passed a comfort test, or was just being a reasonable human has me very confused.)

What do you want? Then do that.

The thing is it's all very simple. It's all perfectly easy.

I have a very odd hobby. I am a volunteer paramedic.. I had just calmed a situation by being present. By just walking into it. I have always had this ability of presence. From the days I was in the Army until now. Though before I just considered it command presence that any officer is taught.

As silly as it sounds I had gotten off a medic shift with a call hadn't gone so well. My partner and I with a BLS rig were called to a pregnant woman in distress. We arrive. Go inside. As protocol one person stayed at the door. 3 of us went in. We are working with her she's yelling and screaming clearly 7 months pregnant. The family is yelling. The husband is demanding we just give her a shot for the pain.

Things happened but our person at the door had to go get something from the rigs. Then the tone changed. My partner is putting in the IV, I look over and three males closed and locked the door. Oh fuck - I stood. Let the EMT and my partner continue patient care.

The husband looks at me and asks if I am going to give her the drugs now. He is close. body language clearly hostile. I kick my partner. He looks up realizes. He stands the EMT sees it and stands. I was ready for a fight. I was ready to beat a mother fucker if it came to it. Though outnumbered I really didn't care. Someone was going to leave with severe damage. I'd make sure of it.

But I laughed. And loud. The demeanor changed. The husband backed off. My partner took advantage and walked towards the door. The three guarding the door backed away. He slowly got it opened.

To end it we got out of there. With go bag and A pack intact. Called the cops. They went in. We pulled her out...still our patient. Got to the ER and she tore the place apart looking for drugs. They escorted her out.

My point here is after that shift I realized, Like a bolt of lightening to my head. I remember it being 0600 in the morning. The sun was coming up. I just stopped and looked at it. No idea why. I remember asking myself. If I could stop that ugly situation from spiraling out of control just by being there. Maintaining my frame and realizing that it was all bullshit.

Why can't I do this at home. Then I just did.

because it is. You know that right? All Bullshit.

No one here is in a life/death situation when it comes to their marriage. If you are then you have other things looming that need to be dealt with. if you want to do it then do it. Free your mind of all the bullshit you've covered yourself in.

Above all else....stand back and laugh.

pikadildo · 2017-05-24T14:25:21+00:00

Deciphering whether I failed a shit test, passed a comfort test, or was just being a reasonable human has me very confused.

So, I don't really care about the precise classification of things as shit tests, comfort tests or whatever. IMHO it's pretty easy: "shit tests" are expressions of condescension and disrespect. Do you feel she's disrespecting you? There are other rubrics like is the subject matter you or her or is the subject of the sentence "I" or "you". But honestly if you're someone who uses terms like "reasonable human" I'd go more for trusting your gut intuition than diagramming sentences.

I missed your other post, but glanced and it briefly. The general sense I get is that your wife is lonely and wants to spend time with you.

I know I'm still motivated by sex and affection even though I shouldn't be, and when I feel happier after receiving it I feel like I've done myself a disservice and am only setting myself up for feeling bad when I'm not.

What do you mean "motivated by"? Do you mean you will do things only because you expect sex and affection in return? Almost everything has a reason to be done. When I notice I have one of those covert contract thoughts, I just repeat the valid reasons I'm doing something. Like the infamous dishes. I can choose to do dishes because they need to be done. I can be generous and affectionate because I am a generous and affectionate person.

QuickieStart · 2017-05-25T03:44:38+00:00

It's easier to act yourself into a way of thinking then to think yourself into a way of acting.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-05-26T22:24:33+00:00

I wouldn't worry about it.

Everybody fails the first time. Even Neo.

chachaChad · 2017-05-24T12:49:31+00:00

I only think you failed with your wife if you did something you didn't really want to do. Did talking with your wife get in the way of your wife's mission and what you really want to do with your life? I don't think so. Sounds to me like you were just being a reasonable human.

I also have similar issues where I crave my wife's attention and affection. It's not an easy thing to be emotionally upright on your own. It's a long process but I try and reflect on how far I've come and how some progress is better than no progress.

Hang in there.

RuleZeroDAD · 2017-06-02T15:31:07+00:00

Don't be a "Candyman."

Candyman - Noun - Man who uses Red Pill strategy to seek Blue Pill comforts and gains; denoted by thin, red outer coating concealing a soft, creamy, tasteless blue interior.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2017-05-24T12:48:33+00:00

My wife has some irrational fear of the basement. She'll ask me to go get something for dinner like ground beef on the rare occaaion shes making dinner. What do I do?

-If I'm working on taxes on the computer, I say "can't help you, I'm busy".

-If I'm walking by the basement door, where she's standing, I'll give her a raised eyebrow and move on.

-If I'm headed down there to workout or get something I say "sure".

-If I'm out and about and tell her to make dinner and she replies "I'm not making that I don't want to go down and get ground beef." I STFU, and the dinner I instructed is made when I get home.

That seemed reasonable to me so I stayed

Was it reasonable or was it "eh this won't hurt me too much, I'll do what she wants". And do you see the difference?

Title	Failing the jump
Author	1puck
Upvotes	6
Comments	24
Date	May 24, 2017 2:50 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/6czhc1/failing_the_jump/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/failing-the-jump.198790 https://theredarchive.com/post/198790

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