Told her to give me a blow job last night and she refused. It's a first. She: "so we're not having sex now just because of that?" Me: "no, you're boring me". Admittedly not the best way to handle it, but it's been a long time coming. I slept alone, which was fine, and took care of myself this morning. And sure, it's just one BJ, but it brought to light something I've sensed over the past little while. The past few months I've started to notice a decline in her enthusiasm, but now it's staring me eye to eye.

I've been lurking here for a while but still held on to NAWALT. Nope, forget the N. Logically, I can't blame her, but I guess right now I am in the anger phase. I know well enough that this is mine to deal with alone, but it hurts none the less.

It was about a year ago that I began to swallow the 'redpill' (though I wasn't aware of this community then). I was talking to my wife about how I felt that I didn't have anything for myself. I used to do martial arts, played guitar in a metal band, had jonny_napalm time. Instead of encouragement I got shit on because, "this family should be all you need!" WTF. She used to love going to shows being my 'rock star girlfriend'. That was my first realization that I was alone in this and, emotionally, I kind of cashed out. Acta non verba; started snowboarding again last winter. But the betaization process was still in effect.

Before I met my wife 12 years ago, I guess you could have called me MGTOW. I never really did relationships that well, but still racked up a a respectable n-count. It was my independence that attracted her in the first place. Hell, it was only 4 years ago that I allowed her to share the same room with me. Now I feel lonely when she doesn't sleep by my side. Betaization. I've been slowly slipping into her frame. I see that now.

I support two kids and a SAHM. I paid for her to go back to school. She loves the truck I bought her. But none of that can buy a blow job. Not that it should, just saying I feel a bit used right now. Yeah, I am angry right now. Angry at myself for getting into this situation. Angry that while supporting her in every way (because I do love her) I am, at the same time, losing her attraction to me. Comfort tests used to annoy me, but it's been a while since I've had to deal with that.

My marital situation is not that far gone; actually pretty good compared to most. However, good is not good enough for me, I want to be stellar! Thankfully, I found MRP and now can diagnose the problem, so...

Fuck this, I'm taking back my life. Gonna go do some deadlifts now.