Roughly 3 weeks into my red pill treatment and I encountered a bad side effect; or, I just fucked up. I have been working my way through the reading material, lifting, and focusing on presenting a strong confident frame at work and at home. I also drastically cut back my alcohol consumption, as I believe that was a major factor in beta-me. A week ago Friday, I decided to announce an ad-hoc happy hour (in the past I was never invited to these things and the previous organizer left the firm). 6 people, including one female co-worker attended (you see where this is going.....)

The long and short of it is that red-pill me and alcohol are not a good combination. I stayed out later than I wanted, drank more than I should have/intended, and wound up fooling around with the female co-worker (about a 7, recently divorced, lots of "issues") who I volunteered to give a ride home.

This "incident" has had a huge impact on me. On the one hand, the late night and intoxication was a result of me succumbing to peer pressure for "just one more". So, lots of self-hatred for losing frame. But, it was also the result of feeling uber confident. Also, with my inhibitions down and ego soaring, I quickly began to attract the attention of my female colleague. I for the most part just viewed her flirtations as a harmless game.

Her efforts intensified after I remarked that although I knew she was 2 years behind me in school, I did not recall her, which I sad I found surprising given that I was screwing all the first year law students after my then-fiancé left me. This ultimately resulted in lots of heavy petting and the first road head I have pulled since college when driving her home.

This was the first time I cheated on my wife (married five years, dating 5 prior to that). While I was heavily intoxicated, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but went ahead with it anyways. (Thankfully, I had enough common sense not to accept the invitation for a night-cap when I dropped her off).

Following the "own your shit" rule, I confessed the incident to my wife in the morning (who was already angry I came home late and drunk). I truly do feel guilty for cheating on her and endangering the family I have worked to build. She has taken it as best as can be expected. She is not leaving, but it has been a tough week around the house. I have reverted to a lot of beta behavior to earn "forgiveness" for my transgression.

But, here is the rub. Despite feeling horrible and guilty about it, at the same time, the "incident" has given me a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence and part of me feels "proud" about it. This was the first time any decent looking woman has shown interest in me sexually in quite a while. (it has been almost a year dry spell with the misses). It wasn't so much the physical pleasure of road head (which was sloppy), but the fact that a decent looking female found me desirable and was actually turned on by me.

So, right now, I am struggling with how to move on. I have told my wife, gotten tested, and told my co-worker it was a mistake, etc.--i.e. I took all the steps I could to rectify the situation. But, I don't know how to behave around my wife now. I have done the flowers and poems, to let her know I still love her and that the incident was devoid of any romantic feelings.

So, is this a step-back, a step ahead, or a "teachable moment"?

Thanks for your comments in advance.