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How to Become a Man?

kirbzsxch
August 20, 2021
42 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

Greetings and well wishes to everybody!

​

I'm a 19 year old kid whose father didn't provide any man advice or guided me as I grew up. He doesn't come home but he and my mother are still married and they have no qualms, he just lives in our farm beside our house, so growing up I was left to my sister and mother. I am accustomed to being with girls and they make around 95% of my friendships. Also I used to be a shut-in, I have feminine mannerisms, I was the weird kid that isolates himself all the time in high school.

​

I used to blame my father and for growing up with only women for me acting like a gay person. I absolutely do not mean any offense to the LGBTQ+ community. My problem is that, I realized I'm an outgoing person and that stereotypes of the jock or geek shouldn't really be used irl to classify people. We can be geeky but still invest in fitness. I also realized that I want to date a girl and that I identify as heterosexual, but I do not know stuff that boys regularly know and practice like men's fashion, the type of perfume one should use, and how to act. It's not that I just want to conform to society's standards, but I think we can all agree that every man should know how to present himself and act properly.

​

Utmost thanks

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Title How to Become a Man?
Author kirbzsxch
Upvotes 42
Comments 53
Date August 20, 2021 6:41 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/how-to-become-a-man.1060570
https://theredarchive.com/post/1060570
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/p7wrp8/how_to_become_a_man/
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Comments

[–]Uncoolx2 16 points17 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

First and foremost, understand that there isn't just one realm of masculinity.

A lot of our modern, one-cut idea of masculinity is due to moving from agricultural living, to industrial living, to goods-and-services based living.

The modern world really, really, really wants anything and everything to be as homogenous and cookie-cutter as possible.

All replaceable cogs in the big machine.

When the only initial pushback is "men are men and women are women" a lot of the nuance is lost.

Let's imagine tribal life.

Sure there were some traditional roles for each gender, but there were crossovers between, and specializations within.

Not all men were hunters, and scouts, and warriors, and craftsmen.

All men may have dipped into each in a rudimentary fashion, but in reality, craftsmen were craftsmen, hunters were hunters, holy men were holy men - and all may be called to be warriors should the need arise.

So, you can't just ask how to become "a man," you first have to learn to find out what kind of man you are.

And to become that man, you work your discipline and find your community.

For instance, as you find yourself to be an extrovert, you may be very well equipped in a filed or position that relies in establishing and building rapport, like sales or community work.

For some of your other questions, dig into the blog I linked and see if it is to your liking.

[–]a-man-from-earth 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great stuff! The book they mention in that article, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover was instrumental in forming my own views on masculinity, half a life-time ago. (I should probably re-read it...)

[–]Uncoolx2 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah, an other old dude concerned with the shiftlessness of these young men.

Good looking out, brother!

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for your input! The blog helps big time! :)

[–]Geasy90 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is it okay to joke a bit?

You need to get down to business to defeat the huns. Your trainer will make it his personal goal to make a man out of you.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahahhaa dude I actually played this after reading on poems about manhood

[–]SuperGRB 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my opinion, only one thing defines you being a man: self-determination. It’s your life, live it your way. You are no one’s bitch. You are not on this planet to “slave away” for someone or society. Find your passion and relentlessly pursue it. Become the best you can be, and fuck what anybody else thinks about you - ignore them. Cut anyone who disrespects you out of your life - permanently. Take care of your physical and mental health - as a man, you are ultimately on your own - neither society, the gubment, nor some other person will help you.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 5 points6 points  (23 children) | Copy Link

p.s.

I have started to change and realized that only boys make excuses, men take responsibility, as well as we should all be moving forward instead of blaming ourselves or regretting what we've done in the past because it serves us no good.

​

I have decided to change myself and become a better person, but I need help on how to become a man.

[–]SuperGRB 3 points4 points  (19 children) | Copy Link

Become self-sufficient and competent at life. Learn all you can, but initially focus on those things that will serve you in life:

  1. Learn about finance and investment. You will be responsible for your own finances. No one will rescue you. Never stop learning.

  2. Learn about how things work - electrical, mechanical, automotive, construction, woodworking, metalworking, computers, internet, etc. you should be at least practiced enough to identify problems and understand why something might be of high or low quality work. Never stop learning.

  3. Learn about business. How to start and run a company - your own company. If you can leverage your passion into a successful business, this is best. You generally won’t be as successful working for someone else’s company. Never stop learning.

  4. Learn about health and fitness. Exercise and eat right (no crap, no processed foods, no sugar, low carbs, fresh foods). Learn about your body. It’s easy to be fit in your teens. Much harder as you get older. Make it a life habit to be well. Never stop learning.

  5. Learn about relationships and their pitfalls. Nothing can set you back in life further and faster than a relationship gone bad. Learn about the laws regarding marriage. If you still decide to pursue marriage, make incredibly sure you are making a sound choice. Don’t get married until after 30 at least. Months ago I posted how to select a partner - search my history if interested. Remember, you are always on your own as a man - relationship or not. Never stop learning.

  6. Find like-minded men and build life-long friendships with them. Learn from them, for it is far wiser to learn from others’ mistakes than to have to learn it yourself.

[–]okashiikessen 0 points1 point  (15 children) | Copy Link

Okay, serious problem with #5. You can't game a relationship. There's no reason to hold off on marriage until after 30. And you are, most certainly, not "always on your own as a man".

I mean, did you really just say that? That sort of attitude is exactly what leads to the thing he's complaining about his father doing.

Everything else I've seen is great - this whole thread has been super wholesome and I'm fucking loving this sub. But chill the fuck out on this idea that there's any substantial difference between men and women. We happen to have penises, they happen to have boobs. That's it. At our core, we're all just human. We all have the same emotions, and thus our potential to have meaningful relationships is equal.

OP (u/kirbzsxch) : Relationships take time and effort. They are not easy. Listen to your partner, learn from them and about them. Show them that you care - don't hide your feelings. Stoicism isn't manly, presence is. Most importantly, if you're going to commit, then commit wholeheartedly. If your partner senses that you aren't all in, it causes them to doubt your sincerity and can send the whole thing into a tailspin. If you have fears or concerns, communicate them, talk with your partner about it. Either they'll meet you halfway or they won't. If they don't, then the relationship might not work out.

As a man, you are still capable of being abused, emotionally and physically. You can still be emotionally drained if your partner isn't pulling her weight in the relationship. The fact is that it's entirely possible to love somebody who doesn't love you back, or who isn't ready to commit to a relationship at that level. It is your choice whether you still want to pursue it, but understand that the dude I'm replying to isn't wrong when he says that nothing will wreck you faster than a relationship gone bad.

That's why he suggests waiting until after 30 to marry. Emotional maturity is rare before 25. That doesn't mean it isn't possible. I mean, I'm married to my high school sweetheart. We've been together for fifteen years now.

What worked for us? We had a long engagement - decided not to get married until after college. We lived together before marriage, which gave us time to really figure each other out. And we continued to choose each other. Daily.

There were hard times - there will be in every relationship. We've had a few knock-down, drag-outs. But after the yelling and crying are done and your emotions are cleared, you have to talk and work with your partner. Listen to them, recognize what you did wrong, what you can do better, and have them do the same. It's HARD. No shit, I'd rather do hard labor (and I'm a chubby desk jockey nerd kinda dude). But you can't run from it. And it's vital if you're going to grow emotionally and create a long-lasting, healthy relationship.

Good luck, OP!

[–]SuperGRB 4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

You are correct as for the reason I am suggesting holding off marriage until 30 - it is a maturity and experience thing. In particular, you really don’t know who you are or what the world is like. Of course, 30 is somewhat arbitrary- some people learn earlier, some never learn.

I’m almost 2x that age. Every decade, I think of how stupid I was the previous decade. I can assure you, you are pretty fucking stupid in your 20s - just like I was and everyone I know was. Only life experience makes you wise - hopefully, you learn from others’ experience and not just your own.

And, if OP or you believes women and men have it the same as far as societal support and expectation of them during their life - well, I have a bridge to sell.

[–]Oncefa2 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've seen stats about the age of people when they get married and sometime right after 27 or 28 was the sweet spot if you want to avoid getting divorced.

The age of the woman was especially important, not so much the age of the guy. I won't get into why but most marriages are ended by women, and most young women were getting remarried. So you can put two and two together if you want.

Older women (late 20s and up) stayed married to their partners.

I agree that maturity on both sides is important though.

[–]SuperGRB 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Clearly, maturity and life experience on both sides are super critical to a successful marriage. This doesn’t exist for either party in their 20s usually. Also, their history of how they have lived their life to date is of great importance. Someone who has a consistent history of poor life decisions is generally not going to make a life partner.

[–]okashiikessen 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'll grant that you're not wrong. Traditionally, men don't get the support they need. But times are changing. The taboo of men having emotional or psychological needs is dying off. The presence of this sub is evidence of that.

Granted, tools like Matt Walsh exist, but that mindset is on its way out.

I just think it's harmful to tell a young man that men are "always alone". I get what you were going for now, but the phrasing just sounds so jaded. And without elaboration, leads young men towards stupid incel circles.

We're only alone if we allow ourselves to be. It can be challenging to find somebody who will be present when we need them, but not impossible.

[–]SuperGRB 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

In my nearly six decades of experience, personally, and witnessing large numbers of male friends/family/coworkers/acquaintances, when it turns ugly and the “chips are down”, neither society, nor family, nor the legal system has the man’s back. At best, if you are lucky, you have a few strong male friends that got you covered.

[–]okashiikessen 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad you're hear to share your experience. I appreciate that. Not many older men can recognize that men need support. Period.

But there are serious systemic changes underway. Society has started to recognize that men need psychological and emotional support. There's still a lot of work to be done, but as long as we reinforce the effort, progress will be made, and your statement will inevitably be wholly false.

All of that said, OP did state he's from the Philippines, and I don't believe their progressive movement is as strong as it is in the West. So exactly how much my argument is relevant to OP is better left for him to judge.

[–]SuperGRB 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If I think of what I have observed in my life over the decades - and I have traveled and stayed in many countries (not the Philippines however) - I would characterize the support of men to have reached an absolute bottom in the 2010s - just a complete fucking dumpster fire for men. Whether it improves in this decade and beyond, I hope to live long enough to see. I have a son in his 20s. I hope he sees better.

For you, it seems you may be in your 20s or early 30s. I truly wish (and mean it sincerely) life with your wife works out for you and you have a happy and long life with her and some wonderful children. I would wish such pain of the alternative not even on my worst enemy.

[–]okashiikessen 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, sir.

I hope you're doing well. Thank you for taking the time to talk today.

[–]Yung4Yrs[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate that. Not many older men can recognize that men need support. Period.

Really. Well I'm 69 next month, in damn good shape for my age, and do care about bros. I will grant you, most definitely not run of the mill. But, I did just join the reddit. :)

[–]a-man-from-earth 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

But chill the fuck out on this idea that there's any substantial difference between men and women. We happen to have penises, they happen to have boobs. That's it.

There's more to it than that. There are a lot of behaviors and expectations tangled up with gender. We may wish it wasn't so, but it's the world we live in. Denying that is not going to help OP or any man in a similar position.

And yes, you need some life experience and maturity if you want to commit to marriage. That's why it is good advice for any man to wait at least until age 30. Sure, exceptions exist; but they don't make for good rules.

[–]Blauwpetje 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The idea that there are no differences, or that they're just 'social expectations' has probably done me more harm than anything else in my life. No man is 100% masculine and no woman is 100% feminine, but on average the differences are big enough. The book of Griet Vandermassen is very clear about that. And let's be fair: when I look for a woman, I'm not looking for a man with boobs, but for a person with at least some feminine traits.

https://www.amazon.com/Whos-Afraid-Charles-Darwin-Evolutionary/dp/074254351X

[–]okashiikessen 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

See, my concern there is that this shouldn't be a rule, either. It's general advice, at best.

Marriage is just legal paperwork and perception. It doesn't change the relationship, itself. But the perception is important - if a guy just puts his foot down on some arbitrary age because he heard it on reddit, his partner is going to leave because s/he's not being heard.

Every relationship is unique. The only hard rule that might apply universally is to communicate with and listen to your partner. But I'm sure there are exceptions even to that because people are weird and complex and applying broad statements to humans generally winds up with you being proven wrong.

So I don't want OP to think he has to listen to that idea. It could cost him a chance at happiness. The best we can do is give general advice and hope he applies it well and ends up falling for somebody who is capable of loving him back.

There is no perfect solution. No master key. I presented what worked for me. OP can learn from it and apply what he thinks will work for him.

[–]a-man-from-earth 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

See, my concern there is that this shouldn't be a rule, either. It's general advice, at best.

I meant it as rule of thumb.

Marriage is just legal paperwork and perception.

And that's exactly the problem.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hi to Okashiikessen and the other peeps!

​

I loved what you said about making the girl feel your presence rather than being stoic. It assures the other that you're not passive- you take sides between what you perceive as what's best and unhelpful for her, and that you have a firm decision as a man.

​

Regarding about the argument that superRGB and you had, don't you worry, if I'm not getting into a relationship with the girl I plan to court now (who's not in talking terms with me because she's my bestfriend and she noticed that I am hinting at pursuing a relationship with her), I'll just stay single forever and devote myself to helping less-having (another word I use foor low-income and poor) people. I'd rather not get hurt because I have a lot of childhood traumas related with me being called practically worthless by my parents, I have bipolar disorder type II hypomania, and I have no physical, constant relationships with friends. Whenever I see clicques or groups of people, I burst into tears for no logical reason and then all my memories of being a child and high school loner and weirdo kick in all of a sudden.

​

In the event that I do get to be with the girl I seek to pursue, as I said that I'll be getting almost a thousand dollars worth of Philippine pesos next month, I am considering to build a green wall in our small farm or set-up an aquaponic system. Moreover, I'll also venture into taking care of rabbits for agriculture because they're cheap to take care of, as well as stingless bees. I'll follow superRGB's advice that investment can be something that your local community needs that you can profit off of. What the Philippines is lacking in is simple food security, and if I can advocate my aquaponic system, rabbit agriculture that I plan to make, I can advertise a would-be-business that saves me money. Why? I produce my own food, and earn from it really well because I can sell products cheaper than can be found from wet markets, because feeds and fibrous greens are cheap and easy to come buy. It's kind off a circular economy, apart from the fact that an aquaponic system is already a circular economy- I use the lettuce I produce to also feed rabbits.

​

Gotten far off from the girl part. But yeah there I'll be investing in money and property first before I marry her. I think I'll do it by 27. I know all too well that a lot of people here- both young and old, most especially illiterate people- just get a fuckton of children (I know a guy who's had a child by 17. He can't goddamn provide enough because he doesn't have sustainable income) and don't take into consideration the deplorable job market the Philippines has. Only by having a business can you be rich that assures you good quality life with optimal amount of stress and worry. I will not marry her not until I hit 27 and not until I'm earning 50 thousand pesos (or 1k dollars) monthly. In terms of being a partner, as a person, I simply need to listen to whatever she has to say, and only say stuff that makes sense and provides a solution. I don't have to win arguments, I only need to win her heart all over again whenever she feels that I don't care for her or love her.

​

I hope I could be with her though lol. She's also a high school best friend of mine btw Okashiikessen. I'm happy for the marriages of all the people who've participated here. :))

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

how does tagging work here? u/okashiikessen u/SuperGRB u/a-man-from-earth

​

oohhh there it is. btw I love you all, guys!

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm from the Philippines btw, so I'm not sure how investing's gonna work out for me. Though I'll money amounting to 992 dollars in the coming month, I'll be studying investment and stocks.

Thanks for your input!

[–]SuperGRB 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You can “invest” anywhere. It need not be the stock market or high finance. Perhaps there is a local need for some goods or services that is being unmet. For example, maybe there are no local automotive techs. You could invest in a set of mechanics tools and begin repair work. Almost everything you need to know on how a car works or how to fix a particular problem is online. The “investment” you make here is in the tools and the knowledge. This is as opposed to blowing your cash on booze and hoes - which is definitely not an “investment”.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Duly noted, sir! Thanks again!

[–]a-man-from-earth 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's great! Taking responsibility is definitely the right attitude.

I would recommend to try and make friends with other men, both young men around your age and older men who you can learn from. Men most often bond over activities. Sadly, covid restrictions make that very difficult for many people now.

See if you can join a team sport, or some kind of club such as a chess club, tabletop gaming club, or a men's organization like the ones mentioned in this post. If you're lucky you'll befriend someone who can mentor you.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your help, sir!

[–]Throwawayingaccount 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have started to change and realized that only boys make excuses, men take responsibility

Be careful with this.

Own up to things that are your fault.

But there are things in life that ARE outside of your control. Don't take the blame for other people's shitty behavior. That's how you get taken advantage of.

[–]Iceman_Hottie 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Based on your p.s. I can add to other comments look up philosophy in general.

My top 3 are Miyamoto Musashi, Markus Aurelius and Niccolo Machiavelli.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

will do! thanks!

[–]Iceman_Hottie 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Will be happy to discuss it with you as well.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

When can we have it? I'm interested! Unfortunately it's 11:40pm here in the Philippines, so I guess I can ask for a scheduled time?

[–]Iceman_Hottie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am currently in Eastern Europe +3 GMT, its 18:45 here. Just send me a chat message once you have read some of their works.

[–]EgalitarianFacts 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Be born XY.

Don't harm yourself or others.

Take good care of yourself, and if you choose, some others as well.

Try to be as happy as you can in this one Life you're going to get.

This is the end of the list, and anyone who says otherwise or tries to add things you don't like is a sexist you don't have to listen to.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Okay I would just like to say thank you to everybody who's given their input and advice, I appreciate all the things you've told me. There are people who think that some comments have erratic parts, but I assure you I will do my best to filter through everything and simply learn from your advices rather than going against anybody.

​

I think the sub's plenty of Americans, so goodmorning/afternoon over there!

[–]SuperGRB 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

American - but hangin in Spain 🇪🇸 today.

[–]Extra_Spider_Silk 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't think I'm smart enough or experienced enough to answer this question. In fact, I've found that a lot of what being a man is is faking it 'til you make it. Like I know I am a man, but if I break it down, none of the single components that make me a man are good enough in and of themselves. If manliness is a cake, I have no idea what the flour is. And being confused about this is totally fine, because society, and its standards, are changing at a disorienting pace, and nobody is sure where things are headed. I'd be interested to know what you feel "manliness" is to yourself.

[–]Kasabian56 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The one thing that, to me, uniformly makes a man across all demographics is confidence. If you have a style, scent, mannerism, that you like, own it. Take what others say into account, but let yourself be the final judge. Eventually you’ll find what you like. At the same time don’t be overconfident either - too much of anything is a bad thing after all. Just be willing to take advice or change if you need to.

One other thing I might mention that’s helped me tremendously is going to therapy. I realize it’s not for everyone, but having a shoulder to cry on, having a neutral opinion, having someone always in your corner can be immensely helpful. Everyone needs help sometimes. You might also like the sub /malefashionadvice, as it gives tips on how to, well, be fashionable.

[–]Bara-enthusiast 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are an adult male and are cis? You are a man. Act gay straight feminine masculine, still man

The concept of "real man" is toxic. If you want to be more masc and don't know how, that's another question. Find a role model. There are a lot of great channels like "dad, how do I?" if you wwnt to learn specific things. There are gladly a lot of self help books for men

[–]MartianCavenaut 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't be too hard on yourself kid. If its possible at all, try to meet and get to know your father. You don't have to be best friends, or friends even, but i'm certain that a part of your father wants to get to know his son too.

[–]GinoMan2440 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Find the heaviest thing you can carry, pick it up, and carry it.

Not literally, but don't wait to be given responsibility, take it.

[–]empathylion 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

If I were you, rather than focusing on how to be a better man I would just focus on how to be a better human.

That's it.

There's no need to box yourself into a category of behaviour whether you like it or not. You don't need to box yourself into a specific gender or sexual orientation role to play.

Examine all the philosophies and life guidebooks that exist, develop your critical thinking skills and build your own philosophy. You can learn from all genders and sexes and sexual orientations. Take the best from here and there and form it into a new identity that is you.

Research and define ( and adjust as you learn more) what it means for someone to be a good healthy and happy human and then work towards becoming that person.

[–]a-man-from-earth 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

But the problem OP presented is that he's learnt a lot from women, but not enough from men.

Examine all the philosophies and life guidebooks that exist, develop your critical thinking skills and build your own philosophy. You can learn from all genders and sexes and sexual orientations. Take the best from here and there and form it into a new identity that is you.

This I very much agree with. Read widely, consider critically, and form your own opinions.

[–]empathylion 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

What I understood is that his concerns are to behave more like a man and to develop manly characteristics and abilities that he supposedly didn't learn as his social circle has mostly been women. He's critical of some of his mannerisms/behaviours and he's concerned about how he's being perceived ( ex: he doesn't want to be perceived as gay). I'd be interested to know what mannerisms he has exactly that he doesn't like and why.

I prefer not to box in certain behaviours and attributes to a certain sex. Confidence, physical strength, problem solving, discipline, courage shouldn't be exclusive to men. Kindness, nurturance, empathy, beauty shouldn't be exclusive to women. It's simply not good for a person's overall well-being. And that's why I said to focus on being a good human and as you quoted - to learn from every kind of person.

Perhaps he'd benefit from adding more males into his social group and giving them more attention for a period of time, but I hope he doesn't just look to the male sex, male gender, and typical heterosexuals for guidance or modelling on improving his well being, enjoyment and satisfaction of life.

[–]a-man-from-earth 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Confidence, physical strength, problem solving, discipline, courage shouldn't be exclusive to men.

Agreed. But there's a reason we perceive these as more masculine. And it wouldn't hurt OP to develop these more. Especially as he feels this side of him is underdeveloped.

I'm not saying that to be a real man one needs to do x, y, and z. But male identity is in a crisis in our times, and to tell young men to ignore that is a mistake, in my opinion.

[–]kirbzsxch[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Both of you, good sirs, make good points.

Regarding traits I don't like is that I have mannerisms like raising my pinky finger, acting like a flexible man who's fat and stands at 5'8 which is not appealing and seen among men here. Used to watch rupauls drag race, too. Also being a bipolar person, I have cultivated for 8-9 years already, a habit of self-talk. Recently I'm starting to lose it by telling myself "when people talk too much to themselves, they get too full of themselves" because I do sound crazy when I start to do so.

Most of all, I'm extremely talkative and is obsessed over checking fb, ig, and twitter all the time turning their tabs on and off. Because, as per my fault, I've let my world to become exclusive to social media, which is wrong.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]a-man-from-earth[M] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a man. Gender erasure is not healthy.

Removed as rule 1 violation.

[–]downzeitor 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you really want to bond or look for your father's company i'd advise you to go try doing things with him or just provide help somehow. Being around and provide some basic help is a good starting point. I had some situations that the only way I could make some paternal connection was to be around, "bring me that screw-not-that-one-the-other-one" type of situation and evolving from that.

You said that he keeps to himself (as almost every father does most of times), but it is because many of those situations/moments he is busy thinking on stuff to be done (if you guys have a farm, that's a mind full of stuff to be done).

We always think that others must be available to us, but sometimes we have to show interest to be around, to provide some help/assistance, or being useful somehow even the most basic stuff. That way you can watch, learn a thing or two, make yourself useful to him either.

I'm not a proper advisor of some kind, but had a father who was "difficult" to be around (he tended to keep / do things by himself most of time). But managed to find common grounds, specially after mom-dad's divorce.

We got to know each other more by doing stuff together (making some basic furniture/shelfs around the place, fixing some light sockets, cooking some food, thinking on something to make).

[–]me_milesheller 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

General answer: If you need to become a 'real man' just say it, act like what you think it is. Observe what you admire of other men or man prototypes and try to base your choices of style to express it.

In order to become 'a real ____' you have to be a real YOU firstly. And it won't work following any rules given anywhere here or on any book. Doesn't matter how much you try if you're not following the expression of your you true-self.

As I can see being a real ____ is: * Be kind to others. * Speak with the truth when is needed. * Respect others, take care of others including yourself. * Overcome the misfortunes. * Pursue your own terms of happiness, stability, self-worth. * Don't betray yourself ever nor anybody. Ever. * If you've committed any harm to anyone including yourself, feel the sorry, say sorry and try to heal whatever harm you've made. You're ____ after all. You'll never be perfect. * Allow yourself at any time, with anyone, anywhere to be free and to live your life intensely, deeply, meaningfully! With a big smile.

If you are enough observer is what any human should be. Society likes to separate. So people will say "that's a real ___." Not: that's a real "human being". But it's your decision to say what's better.

Is our ought to overcome our gender and pursue our significance on our self terms far away of the social expectations.

Your problem as I read is that your inner social circle makes you doubt your own identity. But while you can say/express to yourself and others: I'm a man; nobody should question that. There, outside, people shouldn't be in the right of question your identity even if you're the femininest man around. That's YOUR choice. That's how YOU feel like in your inside. And then society can go fuck 'emselves. You'll never have a test to ensure you're a real man. The closest thing to a test is to be truthful with yourself at any given moment.

This is Reddit. We'll never be able to give the real help you need that a real mental-emotional professional might give to you. Be kind to yourself and find a good therapist for you too. You'll never ever regret any cent you invest on that.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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