Emptiness and loneliness as a man

el_jefe1978 · 2022-10-22T15:45:54+00:00

That's what this space is for. We've all felt some variation of what you're going through. We all have felt like no one cares, but you can vent here.

ArcturasMooCow · 2022-10-22T20:06:57+00:00

The hole is a deep one. If you fall in, try not to land on me. Cause we manned up, and fell down. Trusted, and got taken. Did the right things a man should do, and got abused, used, discarded, and replaced. I'm okay without a woman. A man gets used to sleeping alone. Main thing to remember is that you're not alone in your pain. You can't see it in the darkness of the hole, but there are plenty of us down here.

Love stinks. Moo 🐮

Outrageous_Fondant12 · 2022-10-22T18:35:04+00:00

Outside of work, i can’t say I have any meaningful friendships. I’m getting married next year and only have my brother, who’s currently stationed in Germany, my teenage son, and my fiancé’s friend’s husband in my wedding party. I’ve been to weddings where the bride and groom each have like 10 people on their side. Then I usually end up feeling terrible, because I lack that kind of support.

clamSammy · 2022-10-22T23:18:47+00:00

Hit me up man!! I started a space locally among a big group of men called ‘the round table’. It’s only round because no one is in charge. I’m a masculine man who works hard af and hits the gym, has some ‘bro’ traits, yet I’m the first one to say I cry. I tell my friends “cry more man.” Finally we have a circle where I don’t need to be involved in every conversation and a place where we can be vulnerable. We may click, we may not, but I’ll listen. I’ll send you shitty memes randomly and also pop in to see how you’re doing. It’s important for us men to be vulnerable with ourselves and eachother. This whole “man up, hide your feelings” is beta as fuck in my opinion. A real man shows his cards(when necessary, don’t be a open book to the public) because he knows his value and worth to himself, society, and in the establishment. Be brutally honest. Be vulnerable. Cry more. If you get flack for any of that, you’re in the wrong crowd. Thank whatever god you believe in for the internet because it allows these interactions over vast distance. Hit me up man. We may have something in common to chat about! I work in robotics, love guns, build computers, used to do music professionally in LA, cook like a god(in my own mind 😂), yet still an avid outdoorsman with a fondness of nature.

You simply making this post is a step and you’re reaching out. Allow us to reach back. You’d be surprised at the friendships you may make. What’s the worst thing to happen?

benjewmant · 2022-10-22T23:43:39+00:00

Yup, growing up with a sister 5 years younger than me, I saw first hand how much emotional support young girls get compared to boys. The way they treated me compared to her, was almost cold and clinical. Whenever I had a problem they always told me quit complaining, I sound like a little girl, man up, etc. While she was the little princess who could do no harm, even though she was CRAZY. Like shit on the floors and walk around in it crazy. Nothing against my sister of course, I love her and kids do crazy shit. But yeah.

I agree fullheartedly OP. Look up the Woman are Wonderful effect. It would be really interesting if it werent so sad.

Informal_Divide9741 · 2022-10-22T16:35:41+00:00

I definitely feel you man. But I also struggle a bit with that. But I all I can tell is that you should keep trying and open yourself for other people that may feel that way. Honestly, I'm an immigrant. And I know so many people, in a way that others that were born in Canada often ask me "How do you have so many friends?!", "How do you know so many people?!" And I usually tell them that they should judge less their immigrants and be warmer and willing to to be there for others instead of just be polite and think it's enough. I often meet a lot of people here struggling with connections. Not every guy is as cold as a rock. But I agree as a man it is difficult to hear complaints and problems specially if someone does not want the truth, or an answer, or to fix/ do whatever they can to help them selves. But I do understand that sometimes, people just want to put out what is hurting in words which is extremely necessary and valid; it just gets annoying at least to me when their is no action and just complaints. I even tell my close friends eventually when they want to talk if they want help or just express themselves hahaha I also think it may have to be as well if you find yourself more on the introspective or extroverted guy. Tendency is that extroverted guys are shallow and superficial. But know a lot of people. Introspective people tend to aim more for deep connections and talk. Plus, as men just like you said, most of us are not taught how to deal with emotions. Think. Reflect. Decide. Act. So we grow up and we still don't understand and don't know how to deal with our own feelings and emotions, it is even more complicated to help/ support or deal with others. Anyways, there is a lot in the topic to be covered. But I hope the reflection helped somehow. Let me know if you would like some things you could try.

AshookaNaga · 2022-10-22T15:43:48+00:00

Unpopular opinion.

More men should be nihilists. I’ve been a nihilist for years and bro I’m happier than everyone I know and never been depressed or lonely.

IDGAF and “nothing matters” is extremely powerful.

But it’s not for everyone I guess. I just wish people were happier giving up silly beliefs.

Albertsongman · 2022-10-22T20:17:40+00:00

Work on bettering your hobbies, physical fitness, nutrition. Be patient with yourself. Friends will come!

Perfectimperfectguy · 2022-10-23T02:26:16+00:00

This hit home. I'm with the same thoughts. I guess it comes with age. For me it's even worse because, even though i wasn't close to my dad, i used to talk to him from time to time. Now he's gone, and i'm on my own. Everybody's having fun and making plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas eve, while i'm gonna sit on my ass at home or just find something to do in the garage. Either way, it sucks.

shit-zen-giggles · 2022-10-23T03:33:56+00:00

I just want to sob but I can't because of that conditioning I guess.

Male tear ducts are wider than womens and our tear sacks are also larger. Both of these factor into men having a higher threshold of tears welling. So part of this is physiological.

To be clear: I'm not saying that men shouldn't cry but merely that it typically takes a greater stimulus for them to cry. And yes that conditioning is bullshit that you can unlearn, if you want to, even though it may take some time.

CreepyPassage69 · 2022-10-23T10:26:40+00:00

Yeah, what I've found out throughout the years is that it's really hard to create a real bond with other guys when you're adults. In childhood it was really easy to catch up and hang up with almost anyone, I was a pretty sociable child, dozens of acquaintances and friends, but when you grow up you realize that no one really gives a shit about you, except for your close family, only person that I can call a real friend is my brother, all people I hung up with from school, university and my past jobs just vanished.

cominginside · 2022-10-23T14:28:40+00:00

You ever wonder why the suicide rate is so high people don't talk about this and then one day they decide f*** it it's not worth it hey bud at least you're talking about it and that's a good thing

elpayasoeso11 · 2022-10-22T18:23:08+00:00

Read art of happiness by the dalai llama. It will show you the way.

BryteStarreDavis · 2022-10-22T18:47:36+00:00

I hate this for dudes. I'm a gal who always has had more guy friends. Girls are super petty and just piss me off so I didn't hang with them. Girls would say I was a slut for hanging with the guys but we would just laugh about that. I did always let my guy friends vent. They couldn't talk to the other guys and be vulnerable or unsure but I was a girl. It was ok. I wish you had a female friend in your life you could talk to. It took awhile to get older myself and now at 43f the other women in my life have calmed down lol. After 30 years old perspective seems to hit. So, if I had any advice to give talk to gals. Let your guy friends be the guys they wanna be. Those activities are their therapy and how they cope. You need something different so go find the weird. Lol best of luck to you Internet Stranger. If you need a Digital Penpal send me a DM.

Jukingku22 · 2022-10-22T22:33:58+00:00

Yup. Its what happens when society try’s to feminize all men thereby destroying the brotherhoods men would create throughout history which kept them sain and healthy

71117 · 2022-10-22T18:28:54+00:00

If you want friend relationships like women have… make friends with women?

Lyla2008 · 2022-10-22T19:54:44+00:00

Newsflash bud, a woman will only be turned off if you talk to her about your problems. It also sounds like you need to find your purpose in life and work on yourself. If you have that, you will never feel empty. In fact, you’ll feel like there’s not even enough time to get everything done.

Still-Association-52 · 2022-10-22T17:16:17+00:00

It's easy once you have more hobbies/passions. You reach a point where you rather talk to people who know more about the things you do. Which is usually not women. And women will start to become a burden to you. Fighting someone to reach your goals gets old fast. One or two relationships like that... You see the time you wasted and don't want to indulge in that again.

Work on yourself bro is the right way. As a man, you can only start over so many times after being cleaned out by women before you see that.

Meditate and find yourself. Rent pussy when you need it lol

Porpoise555 · 2022-10-23T01:12:50+00:00

Unfortunately I'd say that's the reality for being a man. You are only worth what you can provide, and a weak man is seen as lesser. It's actually biology.

However this is why humans have spirituality, to transcend our biological instincts. For instance... its not "natural" for you to steal and feel remorse. The fact you feel remorse for stealing is because of our spirituality.

However compassion for men has always been in short supply and I think that is because a society with weak men, is a society that falls quickly. Men and women tend to treat men as soldiers in a war.. they are supposed to be stoic because if they are not our way of life is not as protected.

In short being a man is rough. I will say, the advantages to being lonely is that you will learn to be happy without others which is quite freeing once you break through the void.

What I am also finding out in life is that most people only love what you bring to the table, not who you are as a person. The only time most people feel true compassion and love for you is when you die or when someone close to you dies. That's about it.

And while it feels nice to be a provider and to be loved for it, it doesn't fill that loneliness gap for everyone..it certainly didn't for me.

How many men would lose their SO if they lost their livelihood and the standard of living was dramatically reduced..? i would say most.

Magnificent_Johnson · 2022-10-22T19:05:31+00:00

Basically, when it comes to this “deep emotional friendship” you’re talking about having with other men, it comes down to this: We’re all too busy building our empires to spend valuable time listening to your deep, emotional issues. That’s what therapists are for. You want to dig deep into your childhood issues and find out why you can’t cry, go see a therapist.

PactScharp · 2022-10-23T10:28:10+00:00

"I can't think of a single guy "friend" I've had that I could open up to about any of my deeper feelings or problems without them all just saying some variation of: Just be confident, workout more, be a man, go to therapy, dude you're killing the vibe, forget about it, just drink/smoke it away, or just obvious awkwardness+disgust that a man was trying to open up and so they slowly stopped hanging out with me."

Well, it seems like you don't really *have* any *real* male friends. These types of reactions are things I would expect from men I know casually at most.

I've often been blown away by the reactions from my guy friends, when I did open up about a particular issue, and most of them are going through the exact same thing.

Ebisure · 2022-10-22T15:51:51+00:00

Why waste time entertaining your feelings? You should consider why you are feeling certain way but don’t indulge it. Go do stuff. Run a marathon, learn martial arts, build a business.

somethingneet · 2022-10-22T23:34:01+00:00

The relationship between 2 men is relatively shallow because that's all it needs to be. We don't need to see all of the skeletons in the closet to be homies

mikesteane · 2022-10-23T00:10:27+00:00

You need a men's gathering, such as this one

TodayIThrowAway16 · 2022-10-23T02:16:20+00:00

I think real men have and should express feelings. I never understood the correlation between being a strong man and not crying or expressing feelings.

Edit: wording

HotaruZoku · 2022-10-23T03:17:06+00:00

Tl;Dr Because listening would require change, and when Status quo is preferred, It's preferable to shame a class into believing its morally superior to take your beatings in silence.

Because our lot is, by and large, a pretty awfully pedestrian and empty one, and that's when there isn't actual active torture of any myriad kinds.

You have a choice, when confronted with a way of life that chew up and spits out most who engage as such.

A. Hear the concerns, change the system.

B. Tell people to shut the fuck up, and no longer hear any problem anyone has with the system.

Seems at the moment, the general preference is B.

Beginning-Bluebird22 · 2022-10-23T04:39:08+00:00

I’m a woman so I can’t really relate to exactly what your talking about but trust me, if you open up to a friend and they shut u out or dismiss u their not a real one

JicamaParticular3421 · 2022-10-23T07:56:21+00:00

I think the words for my dad told me was there is no friends in this life that really screwed me up into not being able to grow strong relationships with friends but the thought that no comes to me is what if I am not meant to have my past friends for long time? Is it because, the thought of my friend and I as human beings out growing each other.? Am I suppose to keep these friends for long time? As for making friends, all I got to say is I broke up with my gf also my best friend and harsh to say my only friend at the Moment about a week ago. I am currently at a bar trying make friends. It’s not going well but it’s a start but I gotta say this is much easier to me than trying to fix the bridge with my past friends. I don’t know

Blauwpetje · 2022-10-23T12:52:34+00:00

I don’t really recognise this. Maybe when I was younger, but from about 17 on there were always boys or men I could have endless talks with. Maybe more intellectual/alternative circles? Another generation? (I’m 66 and Dutch, and in the ‘70s and ‘80s long, personal talks were quite fashionable.) It didn’t replace the love I needed from women and that was too scarce. But it was there a lot of the time. (There were also women I could have endless talks with, though mostly not more than that.)

ArcturasMooCow · 2022-10-23T13:06:33+00:00

You're right about one thing, we're not friends 🐮

Tall-Road8048 · 2022-10-23T13:07:39+00:00

In my opinion, what you are experiencing could happen to anybody, to a man, to a woman, to a LGTB group member, etc.

Yes, women share their stuff between each other, but we men also share our stuff between us. I think your problem has nothing to do with being a man... I think you just had bad luck not making deeper connections with people, not having real friends.

Real good friends, are like family. They are difficult to obtain. I am in my mid thirties and I can count them with one hand.

I always have thought that therapy is like hanging out with a wise paid friend. IMO a good Therapist always helps when you are struggling with something.

Hopefully life will give you a real good friend soon. You just need one.

P.D: You can also talk to your family.

trsam · 2022-10-23T14:42:27+00:00

Yeah. We all have a pile of issues to deal with. We all have time to help each other but it is limited. We have our own ships to sail in unpredictable seas. The older I get the less patience I find to truly care about the delusions of others, problems less so. Occasionally there are ships sailing near in similar seas that become distant but pleasant company. I hope you find some ships like that at the very least.. I'm Captain Gary, it is nice to meet you.

wowelysiumthrowaway · 2022-10-24T17:55:15+00:00

Op why dont you just chat with men in need? Take in a struggling man/homeless guy?

Or if you dont want people interaction, play an online game and help people all the time and be their hopes and dreams?

Title	Emptiness and loneliness as a man
Author	offbeatbouquet
Upvotes	275
Comments	103
Date	October 22, 2022 3:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/yaqu9z/emptiness_and_loneliness_as_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/emptiness-and-loneliness-as-a-man.1136899 https://theredarchive.com/post/1136899

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