Advice needed - considering a breakup

Feeling_Two_1514 · 2021-08-15T14:43:40+00:00

Have you looked into the cost of daycare?

dream_sparkles · 2021-08-15T14:50:34+00:00

Do you think he needs time to process this new information before discussing it again?

It’s not wrong to want to stay home but it’s also good that you both don’t go into it blindly hoping things work out. Depending on the cost of living in your town and how much he makes, sometimes it’s just not tenable.

It’s good that he’s worried about you being taken care of should something happen to him. Obviously I’m not privy to your finances so don’t know whether this is feasible, but term life insurance is surprisingly affordable for people who are healthy. My husband and I did Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University after getting engaged as part of pre-marriage counseling. It was really helpful in getting on the same page financially, learning about insurance, and other options. This is sort of off-topic though since you were asking about whether or not to break up.

It really comes down to what you’re comfortable with. 6 months isn’t that much time invested so it’s not uncommon that you’d still be discovering new things about one another. That’s the point of dating, right? You’re vetting him and this may be a large enough issue to be a deal breaker for you. No one else can make that decision for you though.

You also didn’t mention whether you’re open to doing a hybrid stay at home where your at home when the kids are young but then do part-time or full-time work once they’re school aged. That could be a compromise if you’re both agreeable to it.

esperans · 2021-08-15T14:20:57+00:00

Is his concern purely financial or is he modern in that he sees it as 'only fair' for you to economically contribute equally (or close to)? What are his career prospects? How much does he earn? Is he earning so little that you working is a necessity, or are you guys just living above the means of a single decent income? How are you with budgeting? Do you think you can make cuts that would mean his salary is adequate whilst still living comfortably?

Basically you need to ask yourself these questions and think about how important the traditional lifestyle is to you, and try to sit down and have a proper discussion with your bf where you talk about your reasons for wanting that lifestyle and find out why his mind has seemingly changed, his feelings towards it, etc. This is a turning point that could dramatically affect the rest of your life so don't make any rash decisions.

anothergoodbook · 2021-08-15T16:22:33+00:00

I would instead of just breaking up (if you can see a future together, perhaps give him some info on people who are able to do this.

It’s typically pretty scary for a man to be the sole provider and often these there aren’t many good examples of it. What he is hearing is that he needs to step up his game (he may not be the right man if he isn’t willing to do so) and be able to provide a roof over the head of his wife and kids.

Also - that’s why life insurance & long term disability insurance exist!

Having an agreement on this is important, but I think jumping to breaking up might be rushing it. Maybe talk about how set he is in his concerns. Are they just concerns for him or is it set in stone?

catcatcat000 · 2021-08-15T18:10:35+00:00

My husband said the same and completely changed his mind when we actually had kids.

For me, it was enough that we loved each other and he was very good at his job (ie we would probably be able to afford it either way). I figured that we would cross that bridge when we came to it, which we did, and it worked out perfectly. As long as he is open minded and loves you you might not have much to worry about!

goddessoflove1234 · 2021-08-15T15:19:10+00:00

If you're on the same page about having children- ask him, if we're both at work all day, where are our children? Assuming you're American at BEST you get a few months of maternity leave (I live in a blue state and I only get 6 weeks). Most men don't (and shouldn't!) want their kids being raised in a daycare- but they also have never thought about how that means someone will stay home, lol.

From a financial perspective- you don't need to "hit the jackpot." You don't need a six figure income. First of all, living together saves money- one rent/mortgage payment, one grocery bill, one electric bill, and so on.

My fiancé and I came up with an understanding like this: right now we have a combined income of $ (mine) and $$ (his). For us to continue our current (very comfortable)standard of living when I am staying home he will need to be making $$$, which for us is around 75k USD. This is a reachable goal for the semi-near future and fits into a timeline for having babies we both feel comfortable with.

Some people are so brainwashed by the media about how poor millennials are, how expensive homes are, how low wages are and just all in all how terrible the world is- and they just believe it and assume a traditional life is out of reach. Breaking the math down for him like this might help it click! I know 6 months is really early to start a conversation like this, but it might help him realize that you staying home is a very attainable goal. Especially when you factor in the cost of childcare lol. At the end of the day you either have to be on the same page about this, or you'll have to find a compromise (maybe working part time?)

Buckley92 · 2021-08-15T17:03:51+00:00

Cons:

What a lot of guys who want 'working moms' want is a mom who takes on most of the childcare, cooking, housework, errands, as well as a full time job, while all he does is work full time, same as you, and 'help out' sometimes.

How do you know he'll do at least half of everything if you work full time, even if he says he will? You know a lot of guys break that promise or just don't care or do it properly, right?

How do you know what he's like with chores if you've never lived together? And it'll be too late when you're married? What does he do at home?

How much does he earn and how does he spend it? If he should be able to afford for you to stay home yet can't, why not?

What about childcare costs? Work costs? Work clothes, drycleaning, lattes, networking drinks and lunches with coworkers, etc? Transport? Would these costs added up take up your whole salary?

How much more would he earn, working full time, than you? Would it create resentment and would he still expect you to pay the same as him despite earning far less if you did?

What about the effect on the kids of being in full time daycare from a young age? Could it be damaging to them? Commuting time, how much would that be?

Pros:

Could you work online? (NOT an MLM OR Affiliate/network marketing, NOT a commission only direct sales OR Amway OR a party plan company for example Mary Kay or Tupperware)? Could you join a Facebook group for finding legitimate work from home jobs that offer decent pay (There is more than just MTurk/Appen) or look on LinkedIn?

Could you work part time? That way you could stay home with the kids part time, you would also keep your skills up AND make some money for you, but you would also get a break and your kids would get socialization at part time daycare without it being too full on.

Could you start a small side business (Again, not an MLM business) making something like crafts on Etsy or a service in your community, something like dog walking (you could do that with your kids?)

If you did work at least online/at home or part time, or had a small side business, you could have some of your own money, or pay for extracurricular activities for your kids, or pay for something you like, like dance lessons or a new pair of shoes, or help save for a holiday, or even just pay for groceries or utilities. And it would help a little bit in keeping your work skills going.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2021-08-16T02:59:53+00:00

This first thought is odd, but from personal experience... despite having friends among the entire political spectrum, absolutely no one who interacted with me was ever surprised I wanted to be a SAHM or expected me to do something else. (As an aside, I also have a career I can return to/operate in part-time if needed.) My traditionalism is too obvious and permeates a lot of my behavior. If you take a really honest, hard look at yourself and your demeanor, words, and actions, are you bringing the feminine spirit and energy that would be likely to attract a man who wants a traditional marriage or bring out a modern man's traditional desires? This spirit genuinely takes a lot of time and effort to develop and requires maintenance within yourself.

I'm worried that this could lead to resentment down the road since I want a more traditional relationship and he wants a more modern one.

This is a very realistic concern and should not be quickly dismissed. Are there potentially other areas where the modern/traditional divide will hit? For example, would you want him in charge of the family budget and all financial decisions even in a two-income households, and he's uncomfortable with that responsibility? How does he respond when you put decisions in his hands - do you think he meets your dominance threshold? Do you imagine going to church every week as a whole family, but would he probably only do that to please you or otherwise would be fine with once a month? I'm shooting in the dark here with possibilities, but you should ask yourself what modern/traditional areas you may disagree on or haven't discussed yet.

What does he actually expect of this "two incomes" idea? Does he want both of you working 40 hours/wk and then negotiating over which half of the chores and meal prep is whose, or paying for housework and dinners out? Is he fine with you keeping up some kind of a supplementary income for maybe 20 hrs/wk?

You could make a lot of arguments (secondary income ends up going completely to daycare + maid + restaurants + additional student loan debt, newborns going to daycare after 1-3 is horrible for development, this has big effects on your masculine/feminine polarity that will need to be compensated for elsewhere, etc.) but the fact of the matter is that at his age if he hasn't found those arguments himself there are probably deeper differences at play.

At 35 I'm guessing he's either divorced or has had previous relationships and only recently got enough religion to want to save sex until marriage. His insistence here may be motivated by having been taken advantage of by "stay at home girlfriends" or similar before - and that's baggage you can not and should not be responsible for addressing.

Regardless, whether you move forward with or without him, it may help to think about my first thought.

ThatStepfordGal · 2021-08-16T07:25:02+00:00

This seems really important to you - I’d recommend not to risk it when he simply values your value just conditionally. That means it’s never really secure while you are in what he believes in.

Discuss it again but if you do live in a developed country then it’s something that can be done with just the right sacrifices - if that’s willing to be made then go for it.

Frosting_Pretty1111 · 2021-08-16T12:07:36+00:00

I went back to work a few years ago (preschool) due to family pressure from both sides. It hasn’t panned out and frankly I feel abused and duped.

While my salary more than covers daycare… unfortunately because of being at my office job I had some serious & permanent injuries inflicted on me. So instead of putting us in a better financial position, my “extra” money and then some has been consumed by resulting medical bills.

Worst, while I was in the damn ER getting rebuilt using donor material because of what was done to me, my then-job was blowing up my phone asking who the fuck did I think I was to get badly-needed surgery without their approval.

Because of the discrimination I’ve faced for being disabled bc of these injuries; I no longer feel welcome in society. Because of many comments that have been made, I am 100% certain that I would’ve been treated much better were I not female.

Everyone orders me to love my job enough to just shrug and be like, “Oh well, that’s life!” But strangely, being told to lay down your life and physical/mental/financial/social well-being for something you only ever saw as a means to an end; really isn’t all that feasible.

my situation of course is extreme, but some thing that I have learned in the few years that I’ve been dealing with the situation, is that too many Americans glamorize work and see it as a panacea, without discounting that there are very real costs to having a mom work outside the home.

ResponsibleYak724 · 2021-08-15T18:57:47+00:00

Welllllll... I'm on your side in terms of your plans. The data shows that more traditional models produce better results. That being said, I think you can convince him if you're willing.

Find out why he believes a more modern relationship structure will produce better results. Men speak in terms of results and information. Come to him on his level.

Jenneapolis · 2021-08-15T15:49:02+00:00

It’s only been six months and that’s a big commitment to get from somebody in six months. I feel like it’s premature to end it unless you know you are 100% set on this lifestyle and he is 100% not going there. But it seems like there could be a compromise there. And trust me, dating is difficult and there’s no guarantee that it’s easy to go out and find someone who is going to also want the same lifestyle.

Asisvenia · 2021-08-15T19:32:27+00:00

I loved your opinions on the being stay at home! As a male 21 years old, I think it totally makes sense to me that one of the couples stays at home because it would be more efficient and structured. I don't think traditional life is out of reach at all if you logically control your budget and don't spend money on the unnecessary things. Yeah, in some countries or professions that might be a bit harder for example in my case I haven't tried yet as a software developer but I think it is possible. In the future I'm also expecting to date with a woman with the ideals just like you have.

I just wanted to tell you that, there is nothing wrong with your opinions and don't give up on them. There is very hard pressure from media and popular culture and they want to make people believe that it's an impossible way. Unfortunately, most of the men have the same opinions just like the your boyfriend. They generally prefer a woman who is willing to work and contribute financially. But if your boyfriend has no intention to change his opinion on that (it's also his preference nothing wrong on that) then I do believe you can find a man who loves the idea of traditional marriage. As an atheist I love this idea and it is probably more common among the Christian men.

Good luck with it. :)

2021-08-16T01:32:07+00:00

Time to say bye bye

SnooTomatoes614 · 2021-08-15T14:33:52+00:00

Would you actually have a difficult time getting back into the workforce??

prosperouslife · 2021-08-15T20:54:50+00:00

If this is really what you want then you'll need to make some big sacrifices. They're entirely worth it. This means; cheaper clothing, little or very frugal vacations, simple food. Using stuff until it fails and not replacing it just because you'd like a nicer looking sofa. Used cars. Pretty much no luxury and no living like wealthy boomers.

Depends on your husbands income of course. Even with the sacrifices you'll still be enjoying a quality of life better than the majority of the rest of the world. Look at all the immigrants who live in the US and not only make do with far less but thrive and have more kids. Perspective and embracing frugality are key.

Entirely worth it. There are a host of reasons I won't go into. But you need to know about the material sacrifices as a woman and be able to embrace them. Women tend to fixate on external displays of wealth and status as a result of countless generations of women being concerned with survival in a way men are not. It is what it is but that's too much for many (most?) modern American women of any political persuasion.

As Dave Chappelle has wisely stated: Men don't go back sexually and women won't go back materially. Meaning that it's almost impossible for a woman to resign herself to less when she's tasted what it's like having more.

I have many other thoughts on this but I think you get the gist. The philosophies of stoicism and minimalism are very applicable here and truly help you embrace this. Also highly compatible with being a christian in the modern world.

If after considering all of this if you still decide it's what you want then you should tell him and explain it's a deal breaker if he isn't. Maybe there's some compromise to be had.

Just a comment on your ages. This is a great time for him to become a father at 35 (much older is too old) and you a mother (before 30).

Elevatedheart · 2021-08-15T15:36:20+00:00

Would he be able to sustain the family on one income? With the housing prices, it seems like this will be rather difficult to do. It really depends on the mans income. If you love the person, than you would be willing to do what’s needed for the family. It seems like you might not be that into him.. if your willing to break up because he believes you should work. I would say he’s being realistic. Maybe reevaluate the situation and see if maybe you’d be willing to compromise by working part time or something.. just a thought..

Title	Advice needed - considering a breakup
Author	TheShiningSun
Upvotes	15
Comments	30
Date	August 15, 2021 2:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/p4u031/advice_needed_considering_a_breakup/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/advice-needed-considering-a-breakup.962905 https://theredarchive.com/post/962905

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