Is this request unreasonable?

Hartley7 · 2019-11-25T04:39:53+00:00

You might not want to create distance and resentment in your marriage but that is exactly what the lack of sex is leading to.

I believe that marriage comes with implied consent. It is not sexy and romantic to verbally ask permission for physical intimacy. Spouses have the right to say no but there isn't any reason for verbal consent when you have sex with your spouse.

I do not refuse my husband unless I am very ill. Of course, my husband doesn't approach me for sex during those times so that has never been an issue. I certainly don't expect my husband to ask if he can touch me or have sex with me.

As a wife, you hold the key to your husband's sexual satisfaction and locking him out will lead to deeper issues down the road. A sexually satisfied husband is a happy husband. Maybe your husband would be more interested in fulfilling your requests if you were more charitable in the bedroom.

Start with making yourself sexually available to your husband twice a week. Think of sex as showing your love for him.

StingrayVC · 2019-11-24T22:24:17+00:00

You're husband is not being unreasonable. Men view sex with their wives as a loving act and being rejected for sex makes him feel rejected as a husband. Yes, men can have sex with women with no love involved, but when there is love, sex is an extremely important way to show him that.

You asked how it work in my marriage? I don't say no. Ever. We've been married for more than 20 years.

There is a saying that I'm going to botch. You don't wait until you're in the mood to have sex. You start having sex and you'll get in the mood. You'll likely find that your sex drive will go up because you are having more sex. Try it for a month. Never say no. There are many women who have tried this and the results are pretty fantastic and if you search them you can read about it. It will bring you closer together in the bedroom and out.

And don't do starfish sex with him. It's disrespectful and can be worse than saying no.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-11-25T01:54:18+00:00

[deleted]

ShootingDanks · 2019-11-25T22:53:47+00:00

My question is, am I being unreasonable with this request? How do RPWives handle consent in your marriages? And what do you guys do to get in the mood when you’re not really feeling’ it at first?

I think the general consensus here is that you are being unreasonable, even if that's tough to hear. Like others here, it has always been my policy to never reject my husband's advances, unless I am extremely ill.

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

My husband and I got married in a church and took the traditional vows. We became as one, therefore my body belongs to him and his body belongs to me. We respect each other's bodies as we do our own. I endeavour to feed him healthy meals, he encourages me to exercise. And we enjoy each other's bodies often. My husband can have me whenever he wants to. It is my privilege to be a good wife to him and to make him feel loved by giving myself to him unreservedly.

Of course, we're not always on the same wavelength. That is what foreplay is for. What works for me might not work for you. It is up to you to determine what arouses you. For me, passionate kissing is arousing, as well as performing oral sex on him. If I'm really not feeling it, I ask him to use lubricant to get things started.

Read the book Passionate Marriage by Dr David Schnarch to help you resolve some of the issues you're struggling with. Sexual intimacy and maintaining a healthy sex life is largely psychological. I get the feeling that your husband is an annoyance to you, pestering you for access to your body. Isn't that sad? You were the gatekeeper to sex, but you gave your husband the key when you married him. Be open and receptive when he turns to you for comfort and connection.

Whenever I meet older women who have been happily married for decades, I always ask them for their advice on how to keep a marriage going. These are the most common responses: understand that marriage is a choice, not a feeling; trust in God to see you through (I'm not religious myself, although my husband and I attend church for cultural and community purposes) and as a wife, it's your job to satisfy him as often as he can get it up. Old ladies can be quite saucy after a couple of sherries!

Having a husband who can't keep his hands off of you is a good problem to have. You should be gravely concerned when he stops trying. Good luck turning things around.

ManguZa · 2019-11-24T22:30:12+00:00

For him, asking means you're not his wife, same thing for you repeteadly refusing, . Because when you're a married couple you're supposed to sexually want the other. You're supposed to be happy to share that with the other, even when you're not physically excited.
On one side it's you're feelings and you have to do with them, on the other side he probably feel this situation like a treason (you don't really love him, or care for him).

Be aware that that kind of problem can destroy a marriage.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2019-11-24T22:17:43+00:00

I can see both perspectives honestly, his and yours. You know he has a sex drive so I bet he always wants sex, especially if he isn't getting enough. I think he would just want to go for it every day and not ruin the mood by outright asking, ?

Zegiknie · 2019-11-25T08:42:43+00:00

Wandering hands are a way of saying "sex is probably gonna happen", just not a verbal way.

The bigger issue here is your sex drive. How are your testosterone levels? You can influence then with diet and exercise (you want higher levels!). Stay away from spearmint tea, do some strength training, google what foods can help.

Also, are you orgasming regularly? If no, practice on yourself (masturbate).

Read some erotica! Not fifty shades, there are much better ones for sale.

Do a lingerie capsule wardrobe to feel pretty (2 black lace bras with a million black lace panties, and 2 salmon/tan? with matching thongs for under white clothes. Maybe some cherry red as well. Always matchy matchy :-) Regardless of whether you're expecting sex. You will always have a certain level of anticipation even if he doesn't flirt, that way.

And of course, if you're too stressed to mind your tone, take a break before communicating. How's your self-care?

2019-11-25T18:07:43+00:00

Why would it make a difference if your husband asked for sex with words? As others have pointed out, "wandering hands" is also a way to ask for sex, and it's the way lots of couples initiate.

Your husband stopped when you said no, right? So he's not using touch to overpower you.

If he had asked with words, would you have said yes?

Ariel125 · 2019-11-25T06:34:24+00:00

As a Catholic I understand that my body is no longer mine but is my husband’s, and vice versa. So, we are not supposed to refuse each other. To do so is a sin. Unless one of us is ill (my hubby doesn’t want a yeast infection lol). It’s very freeing to have this rule because I know I am for him, and not for me.

NOTE: this rule is only for a good husband.... not one that abuses, etc. You absolutely should defend yourself if needed.

just_a_mum · 2019-11-24T23:30:43+00:00

I can see both sides. I dont think you're being unreasonable by asking him to ask. But with the same breath, isn't initiating through wandering hands a way of asking?

organicsunshine · 2019-11-25T02:31:50+00:00

If you are on birth control and mid twenties this is normal. You are being unreasonable. Do not turn him down for sex, it leads to resentment on his part and over correction on yours. Asking for a heads up is ok. The act of preparing for intimacy can help the mood. And once it starts it always feels better when you get going. Keep lubes handy and dont wait until too late at night. Also keep track your sex life to preempt his needs.

prettyprincess91 · 2019-11-25T05:47:40+00:00

The new job is likely causing stress which is making you feel unfeminine and not in the mood. Try to find a way to add a post work distressor into your routine so when you come home you are in “your home mind state”

Repeatedly turning him down WILL destroy your marriage.

Pola_Lita · 2019-11-25T01:31:01+00:00

You're not being unreasonable and I think you're smart to try to figure out what's going on. Of course he's hurt by sexual rejection but the alternative of you simply pretending to be aroused has to be way worse.

This stands out the most to me and is where I'd focus:

this has been a Thing for about a year in the sense that when I make a request, he perceives it as irrational and unreasonable. I don’t know if I’m approaching it wrong, or if there’s something I’m not conveying that just isn’t getting my point across. The mismatched sex drives has been a problem since I got a new job in September, because we never see each other

I'm just guessing, but I could see myself feeling both underappreciated and undervalued in these circumstances. And added to my husband's (reasonable) feeling of entitlement around sex, the situation could really become difficult to navigate, my sex drive being the first casualty.

Any rate, my thinking is there's a reason for you to have changed and you're right not to ignore it. Check with your doctor too, just to be sure. And talk a lot to your husband, keeping in mind that feelings don't have to make sense to matter and it's nobody's *fault* either, just a normal complication that happens in marriage. Good luck to you, too.

boblee77 · 2020-01-21T01:54:58+00:00

Get your testosterone levels checked. Wives don’t think about this, but very often there is a lack of sufficient testosterone in their bodies. If so, easily fixed.

TotesMessenger · 2020-02-03T12:20:39+00:00

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

[/r/thebluepill] RPW: Is it unreasonable to want my husband to tell me he wants to have sex instead of just going for it? Answer: Yeah, pretty much.

^{If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.} ^(Info ^/ ^Contact)

Title	Is this request unreasonable?
Author	garbage399
Upvotes	12
Comments	40
Date	November 24, 2019 7:29 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/e1393a/is_this_request_unreasonable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/is-this-request-unreasonable.297183 https://theredarchive.com/post/297183

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