Random RP Thoughts

Irisandoleander · 2016-12-01T18:07:51+00:00

I've been working on a piece about covert contracts for a while but haven't been able to form it into anything more than word vomit. It's not something we talk about often but perhaps could talk about more. A lot of times wives will do something and already have it in her head what the reaction will be. And if the reaction is not the same its upsetting, and her feelz are hurt. But it doesn't have to be that way. I think it's a trap I fall into often because I'm such an animated person and my husband is not. So I think he'll be all excited - and while he's excited - he's not animatedly excited about it. So I'm working to separate how I think of myself and how I think of him, because we really are two very different people.

onacasserole · 2016-12-02T04:07:10+00:00

One of the most rewarding things about RPW principles for me isn't just what they've done for my relationship but what they've done for me as an individual. I had a very solid relationship before, and RPW boosted it and made it spectacular, but the difference in my life as a woman is a world apart.

Reading on RPW (and other self help books mentioned frequently here), I feel like for the very first time I got access to a manual of my own emotions and brain. I was raised in a dysfunctional home, and didn't have a good handle on my own needs (as I was typically kind of holding everything together). Learning how to care for my self and actually NOT focus 100% of my attention on my husband at all times has changed my life.

I used to go through periods where I felt depressed and had low self esteem. Now, when I feel that way I look at my calendar, 9 times out of 10 I am either about to start my period or I haven't worked out enough in the last week. Instead of being moody and questioning every life decision, I just go, "oh, I'm hormonal" or "oh, I need to take a fitness class".

When I'm feeling bored and like I want more communication, but my husband is doing everything he normally does...I know I probably need girl time, so I make plans with friends. RPW has allowed me to optimize my life in a way that has made me happier both in and outside of my relationship.

I find RPW to be extremely empowering because it's all about personal responsibility. I was always very thin, but in my late 20s I gained a bit of weight. I actually looked better at a slightly higher weight, but I took that to mean I could continue on my path. After 2 years I gained about 20 pounds! I am surrounded by liberal body positivity stuff where I live, so I figured I had to resign myself to getting larger and larger and just deal with it. RPW showed me the opposite. It made me look at myself honestly. The honest truth was that being naturally thin I'd never had to worry about what I ate, well, my metabolism slowed down. RPW showed me I could either go with that weight gain, or adjust my strategy. It didn't even take any extreme dieting, just basic common sense and moderation, and I dropped all the weight I gained. I'm now about 5 pounds heavier than I was in high school, which for my body type is perfect. My sex life with my husband absolutely exploded.

At 31 I can honestly say I've never been happier, more confident, or more madly in love with my husband. Needless to say he's much happier too. I wasn't a big nagger or really aggressive, but my little insecurities and hamstering naturally affected my relationship. Now I have the energy to pursue my own goals, cultivate hobbies, socialize, and it has made my husband so much more fascinated by me.

Anyway, just wanted to share!

CoochQuarantine · 2016-12-01T19:33:09+00:00

So something I've always thought about is how men are typically emotionally reactive while women are the ones who are emotionally proactive. By that I mean that is how out bodies are built. We feel the world through how the world makes us feel. However I have found that men feel the way the women in their lives feel. Like if I have a bad day, my SO has a bad day. If I'm happy excited, he is also happy excited. I've found this to be true for most men. But what is the flip side to that? Is it sexuality? i've seen a few people mention how womens sexuality is mostly reactive to stimuli whereas men are the proactive ones. That isn't to say that the converse isn't true for both genders, but really it is more prevalent what I'm talking about. This is just word vomit (thanks /u/Irisandoleander for that phrase lol). But just something to throw out there.

whistling_dixie · 2016-12-01T19:33:21+00:00

This is probably a good place to discuss that "kisses aren't contracts" thing I've been mulling - I still haven't been able to meld it into any sort of a coherent post. For reference, this came up in a journal that my grandmother wrote when she was still alive - my grandma married my grandfather when she was 20 because he was her first kiss and pressured her into losing her virginity, and she wanted nothing more than to be a wife, mother and homemaker so she dove in headfirst despite a lot of alarms. I won't get into everything my grandfather did because no one has that kinda time, but for context I will say that no one in our family has spoken to him in over a decade for good reason.

In a sense, I agree and disagree with her statement at the same time though. She did a poor job of vetting her partner and got blinded by her ultimate goal, leading to a lifetime of sadness. I loved my grandma and I miss her a lot, but I think she could have avoided a lot of the problems if she'd just divorced him once she uncovered the first rash of lies (big ones, like keeping a mistress in Florida and lying about a vasectomy which lead to an unplanned pregnancy and their 5th child). But by that point, she had five children and only a partial college education. Sure, she ran the home and the farm while he was off making the money needed to keep a big family, but there was a lot of dysfunction there that should not have been tolerated for 50 years.

I'm torn at what point a kiss makes - or breaks - a contract. Obviously, you don't give up the goods until you have thoroughly vetted a partner - and you never stop vetting, so ...at what point are you sealing the contract? Marriage would seem to be the logical benchmark for signing on the literal and figurative line, but what if, five children into it, you realize you did a really shitty job of vetting and you realize you are married to a monster? I feel like there's no coming back from that, regardless of leave or stay. The usual RP narrative seems to be that marriage is bad for men and that men should avoid it, but it's just as dangerous for women too if they're not forward thinking or perceptive enough. That doesn't change my thinking that marriage is the ultimate goal, but how can a woman ultimately come back from making such a catastrophically disastrous decision? For reference, I'm not referring to women who rush into a marriage without thinking and then divorce a year or two later without children - while it's stupid behavior, I think that's recoverable if she learns from her mistakes. But when you're so deeply invested ...where does it end?

I don't know if I have a real question or statement to make here, it's just an idea I've been fixated on for a while now. The course of our family's history would have completely changed for the better if she'd left him sooner. I guess I just want to discuss this and see what everyone else thinks?

PhantomDream09 · 2016-12-01T21:14:15+00:00

This is such a great idea for a thread!

We (Camille and I) have talked about most of these already, but I'd like to write about:

The fishing analogy is actually a more useful way to describe dating for women. Knowing what type of fish you want to catch, means understanding where they will be, what kind of lures they will want to bite (what men will find attractive), knowing how to be observant, patient, and make the most of opportunities. There are also different ways to fish (using a broad net, spear, or regular fishing pole). Each method has pros and cons. Using a net will allow you to catch more fish (bulk) but you also increase your chances of getting a random assortment of fishes. Some of them may be very small (undesirable), you can also get a lot of junk (tires, shoes, garbage). Using a net could be equated with randomly hooking up with men (or having sex indiscriminately in the hopes that will lead to a relationship), and in general dating men without paying any attention to the vetting process. The idea of being a skilled fisherman (knowing what you're going for, what's required to find what your looking for, and having the skill/tools to keep what you're going for) all perfectly describe the dating process from a woman's perspective. Not that it can't also apply to men.
Approaching dating, needs, wants, and vetting through a financial frame. The more money you have (the more attractive, desirable, and the better your personality) the pickier you can be, and the more you can get away with having higher standards. A lot of women make the mistake of thinking they have more value than they actually do, and I see a similar pattern of people overestimating how much disposable income they have (and as a result they run up debt that causes problems for them down the road). In a way, I can see a relation between taking risks, and/or buying things on credit. If you are careless about finances, you can wind up accumulating an incredible amount of debt. Similarly, young women may 'throw away' their youth and make a lot of questionable decisions because they figure it will all work out the way they want later on. Being more conservative with money (budgeting, planning, saving) doesn't mean you are poor or rich (stunning/beautiful or hideous). Being prudent and mindful of how you spend money however, does come with a lot of benefits. A more conservative budget (or dating approach) helps women make the most of what they do have. Vetting, being aware of faults and flaws etc. The idea would be to outline the two approaches. I think the most useful and sensible approach for women is to limit their 'must' list to under 5 things, same with 'wants.' This gives them access to the widest pool of men, and increases their chances of meeting someone. A conservative dating budget is very sensible. Alternatively, some women can 'afford' to be extremely picky and 'high maintenance' without hurting their ability to date and meet men. The more 'money' you have, the more demanding you can be about the quality of the product you're interested in.
This isn't strictly a RP theory but an idea I've had bouncing around...how the type of communication matters more than the frequency of communication. Not that texting or instant messaging is detrimental (and I say this as someone that swears by online dating), but there is a point where too much emphasis on texting and instant messaging actually seems to hurt a woman's chance to date and get into a relationship with a guy. It seems that many people rely too heavily on text/snapchat/IM to create a connection with men, when really it stunts the process. Both people talk a lot but never really seem to go out on dates or actually meet up privately. They could both be interested, but for whatever reason no one is making a move. Discussing ways to recognize this kind of rut, and get out of it (or preferably avoid it all together) would be discussed.
There are a lot of weird and interesting things that animals do when it comes to finding a mate and establishing hierarchies (males among other males, females among other females, and males and females among each other). I've written a few comments giving specific examples of some behaviors, but there is so much more to explore.
I'd like to know how others specifically define cheating in their own relationships, and what rules (if any) they have in place to make sure problems don't crop up. This would expand into a broader discussion of why it's important to not tolerate cheating at all when it comes to LTRs. I do believe there is a valid argument to be made that marriage can survive infidelity, whereas it's foolish to stick around if it's just an LTR. I think there are some people that would argue that LTRs can survive infidelity - and I agree that it is possible....but ultimately not worth the effort in any way. Really the only thing that makes an LTR valid is the presence of absolute fidelity. You don't have a ring, or legal bond that ties you together - it is only a verbal contract. The minute that contract is violated, the legitimacy of the relationship is dissolved. Essentially my argument is that LTRs live and die on trust, whereas marriages (due to the added ropes of obligation, duty, and penalties upon separation) are in a better position to withstand the blows of infidelity (and rebuild) the relationship. Spouses can't just walk out the door and never return, an LTR can. I do realize there are things like common law marriage as well - but I that's still not as binding as an actual marriage. People that marry go through a deliberate public ritual and they are recognized as family by the law. Even if it's just a courthouse wedding. It's also important to clarify that yes, lots of people get married impulsively, with no idea what they are doing, and marriages can be annulled. Just as couples that don't marry can still have relationships that last their entire lifetime. LTRs can bounce back from infidelity - the smarter option however would be to move on in the vast majority of cases.

Camille11325 · 2016-12-02T03:43:18+00:00

My friends are amazed how many "real" dates I get asked on, and I think I owe it to my traditional upbringing. I've been trying to tell my girl friends you won't find your husband while you're dancing on tables at clubs because the type of husband you want wouldn't be picking girls up like that anyways.

I never get asked by a guy to "Netflix and chill" because I hold myself to a higher standard than they do. I wouldn't even come over to my old LTR's dorm if he texted me after a certain time so he didn't get any ideas.

It's about how you treat other men. I'm not the loudest one in the room, I don't interrupt men when they're talking and I disagree, I'm not physically clingy, and I keep my flirting classy. For example, I love complimenting men on how smart they are, how what they did was brave, things of that nature. I don't gossip around guys I like, and I don't drone on about my day in every excruciating detail.

My friends have recently asked me to give them more advice on how to get men to properly ask them out because some of them keep "chilling" with these dudes and wondering why they won't call them back. They wonder how I can wear such modest clothes and get asked out to dinner/movie dates that end with him walking me to my door.

I think it is about coming off as a lady. Behind closed doors do I swear with my friends without any make-up and bitch about my day? Of course! But when I am out around campus I swear my nice dresses and say "yes please/no thank you" to the cashiers I order from.

This started as something but now I am rambling. I just find it funny how my friends brag to me how many "fuck buddies" they have and how I've never slept with anyone, but I get taken on legitimate dates and get asked to meet men's parents :)

nouvelle_rouge · 2016-12-02T02:07:52+00:00

I read this article and all I see is some girl trying to make herself feel better after being alpha widowed (love #2) and then settling for someone more safe (love #3) and "unexpected" (because he's not attractive to her)...

Just a random speculation though. I could be wrong.

littleeggwyf · 2016-12-01T18:23:43+00:00

I was really thinking how sensible the recognition of differences between the genders can be this week - my uberfeminist sister has essentially rejected a chance for her daughter to attend an amazing school (which I am sending my daughter to) because it is run with traditional religious values and isn't progressive enough for her. Recognition of gender differences should make for better teaching, to me, but to her that (and christian ethos) was a huge negative.

I just don't get how people think you can just rewrite human nature to fit ideology.

Title	Random RP Thoughts
Author	Camille11325
Upvotes	10
Comments	58
Date	December 1, 2016 5:55 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5fy0dc/random_rp_thoughts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/random-rp-thoughts.209343 https://theredarchive.com/post/209343

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