Authenticity in a RPW's Relationship

kitterkatty · 2023-09-11T05:15:24+00:00

It’s more of a framing thing. Putting a positive spin on things, being optimistic but also realistic. And not complaining. I relate to my hubby like we’re teammates or coworkers. And keep it professional like you would at a job with a goal. As far as the sports thing... I guess if you’re good at golf or tennis or driving or mini golf or frisbee or throwing things and getting them in the basket or whatever then fully embrace it but make it fun :) not mean or like putting him down bc he lost. I was taught Fascinating Womanhood as a young teen by my mom and some of it is a little outdated imo. But one person who really lives the RPW life with grace is Princess Katherine. She’s super sporty and enjoys it all but she also takes second place one step behind. Their life is a master class in making your family a team imo.

rosesonthefloor · 2023-09-11T14:22:31+00:00

I don’t think that just because it’s in the book means it 100% has to be done that way all the time with no exceptions. RPW strategies are a toolbox, and not every tool is right for every relationship.

That being said, for my boyfriend who had an ex who chipped away at his professional confidence, I’ve found that the use of positive “spouse-fulfilling prophecies” have been very helpful to building him up and encouraging him. It doesn’t have to be a “lie” like “you’re the best at the company, they’d be nothing without you” or whatever, but telling him “oh wow that sounds complicated. But you have a ton of experience with this kind of work, I know you’ll figure it out!” still achieves the end goal, which is encouraging him in a positive direction.

IMO there’s always something you can say that is positive and encouraging and still the truth - even if it’s “you’ve got this, babe”, or “it’s clear that you care about solving this problem, so I’m sure you’ll find a solution.”

As for the sports piece, my boyfriend and I are both quite competitive haha, and we both enjoy beating each other in games, etc. so neither of us ever like “holds back” in that respect. He is genuinely better than me at the sport we both play (which is how we met) but sometimes I have a better game than he does. However I don’t feel the need to go over it with him - he knows what he could have done better. I think it’s less about “feigning incompetence” than it is winning gracefully, and not boasting about it.

Being able to win with grace is important - if a woman wins gracefully and a man still gets upset about it, he’s got deeper issues to work out that won’t be solved by a woman simply appeasing his ego.

Overall, there’s some wiggle room in the theory, and it should be about how it works for you and your relationship. But I think the key components are really the supportive/positive/encouraging nature of the communication and behaving with grace in competitive situations.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-09-11T15:21:42+00:00

Truth is complicated. You phrase the compliments one doesn't quite believe as "white lies" - but another way of looking at it is that it's acknowledging something honest about human nature.

One can put your head in the sand about it or use it to their advantage. It can be true that one's husband didn't load the dishwasher correctly and it can also be true that it's not worth pointing out - because humans respond negatively to criticism and the husband is more likely to quit doing the dishes than he is to correct his mistake.

All in all, RPW advertises itself as a toolbox. It's not a one-size-fits-all and no one is going to agree with everything. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.

foxesgloves · 2023-09-11T06:10:59+00:00

I think it’s the idea that words become thoughts. I’m sure everyone can think of a time when someone said something to you that was so mean you started to believe it.

The reverse can also be true, you tell someone good things about themselves and they start to believe it

I think peoples issues with the “white lies” is your telling someone things that arnt true so it comes across as manipulative. But your not being mean to him, your not telling him he will never amount to anything or he’s not good enough - weirdly in modern culture that would be more acceptable, and men hear those sorts of things all the time.

Your telling him good things about himself, naturally he’ll want to live upto that

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-09-11T16:10:05+00:00

I've never read this book, because I've seen the advice quoted here and it's not for me for the same reason. You don't have to use any of the tools in this ideology if they don't work for you. My husband is extraordinarily stubborn and can be quite overpowering. If I followed RPW to a tee, he'd walk all over me. Don't get me wrong. He's a great man and an amazing husband and father. I adore him, but our marriage works through a mishmash of RPW traditional relationship strategies and very non RPW strategies. What's important is that it works.

Yougotmetripping · 2023-09-11T04:54:55+00:00

I really am starting to struggle with this myself. I am not wholly RP, I do follow some things that seem to work for me. But yes, I feel inauthentic sometimes and it's really feeling overwhelming now.

I may be in a completely different scenario than others in that I am trying to improve my marriage after infidelity. I am feeling like I'm duct taping myself more and more to the point I don't know if I can say anything I truly feel anymore.

I guess this post was more of a vent. But you're right in that sometimes it feels inauthentic,but I think the reasoning is that you're encouraged to support your man and help him to better himself.

Maybe I haven't yet found the right balance? I don't know. But I'm truly starting to question my whole relationship.

willowaverie · 2023-09-11T12:27:51+00:00

I agree with you, I am a very honest person and my husband and I are firm on no white lies. Well me more so than him, (he likes to sugar coat and get intimated to speak negatives or request changes sometimes). I think a more gentle response instead of constantly blunt honesty might be the way to go- I’m working on that. But I refuse to be anything but honest with my spouse. It’s not me and I don’t believe in it. Unless it’s for a surprise like a present or trip then I give away that I am sending a white lie but it’s a secret for a good reason. (Playfully of course)

undothatbutton · 2023-09-11T16:54:35+00:00

I think you’re interpreting it too literally. The way I read that advice is more so to understand that your energy flows where your focus goes. Not outright lying.

I am very easily the best at calming our baby down. Mainly bc he is breastfed. But whenever my husband manages him while he’s fussy, I say something like, “Thanks for taking over — I was so frazzled and you always know just how to calm him down.” It isn’t true, not really. I am actually much more easily able to calm him down. But it makes my husband feel good, it lets him know he’s appreciated, and it makes him participating inherently more rewarding for him (not only bc calming a baby down successfully is rewarding but also bc men love to make their wife happy too). you can call it lying if you want, I suppose. I personally see it as being intentional with my attention and energy, and specifically looking for and encouraging the positive stuff I see rather than focusing on the negatives.

homekeepingheart · 2023-09-11T17:02:24+00:00

What I took from FW was less about pretending not to be capable and more about not deliberately competing with your man with the motivation of "showing him up" or making him look bad to others.

For me, FW is about be more genuine not less. And authenticity & truth are important but so is kindness. I have seen authenticity used as a way to justify harsh speech and attacks. But FW teaches a softer & kinder way.

RedPillDad · 2023-09-11T14:13:03+00:00

I think authenticity is an admirable trait, but it can be taken too far. In my business, I taught my team to use an onstage, backstage, offstage approach.

On-stage is where you step into the arena of performance and perform your best for the audience (your customers). You're not your authentic self, you're an enhanced version of yourself. You have an obligation to perform your best even when you don't feel like it.

Backstage is where you're busy in a support role, productive without the performative component. You're still on the clock. Slacking off is not acceptable.

Off-stage is where you unplug and be your casual self.

I had a recently-graduated colleague shadow me for a day. She was amazed at the level of empathy and professionalism I demonstrated. When I explained that it's performative, she freaked out. It was like I suddenly transformed into a cheating boyfriend.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-09-12T01:46:08+00:00

I don’t think that taking certain actions to try to get the outcome you want is always necessarily manipulative, especially when they’re positive actions. I feel like it’s more like reaping what you sow, or being the change you want to see in the world, or acting like the person you want to be instead of your most natural/unadulterated self.

I read something where this (non RP) lady was saying that she used to totally balls-to-the-wall honest and she really prided herself about that trait, but as she grew older (and after some lsd trips) she came to the realization that respect and kindness were equally as valuable, but you couldn’t always be totally honest and totally authentic while also being respectful and kind, and she decided that total honesty wasn’t always the correct choice for her anymore.

That said I have always valued relationships where we could talk about everything, so that’s not something I want to give up. I don’t think that’s incompatible with RPW.

lifelonglistener · 2023-09-13T03:07:04+00:00

I can relate to your question. I stumbled across Laura Doyle's Empowered Wife in March and it has completely transformed my relationship from conflict-ridden and competitive, to peaceful and loving. We literally haven't had a fight since then. What changed? Me. I stopped criticizing. I stopped telling him how I would do things as if he couldn't figure it out himself. I started expressing a ton of gratitude for every little thing that he does for me and us. I do use "spouse fulfilling prophecy" but for me that means finding the little grains of a behavior or tendency that I hope he leans into. It's not a white lie. We have different financial philosophies, which was a major source of tension. But now when I notice him making good financial choices I admire him for it out loud. And I really express gratitude and admiration for any significant things he does in that realm, like he recently boosted his 401(k) contribution. Complimenting him on these things shows my confidence in him and give him something to live up to. Back when I used to criticize and try to control, I was conveying a lack of faith in him and not giving him any incentive to be better in those rooms. He loves the appreciation, and I notice and see all of the good things so much more easily now. It has literally changed my own thinking about him. I was letting fear control my behavior, before. That's a bit of a meandering response but maybe gives some insight into a way to apply it in an authentic way, with integrity. Reality is super complicated and messy. There are many strands you can direct your attention to.

AutoModerator · 2023-09-11T04:18:16+00:00

Title: Authenticity in a RPW's Relationship

Full text: I have been reading Fascinating Womanhood and have looked into Laura Doyle (listened to podcasts but haven't read her books yet), and the one thing that I'm struggling to reconcile is if it's possible to be truely authentic to your partner if you're following the advice laid out.

My husband and I greatly value honesty and the truth and are authentic with one another. I've seen there is a lot of wisdom in the RPW philosophy but there are a few things I've come across that don't sit quite right with me. One example is with Laura Doyle suggesting to manifest outcomes you want by telling your husband "white lies" (an example she gives is telling her husband he was a great provider even though she didn't fully believe it). As far as I can see, a white lie is a lie and is a firm boundary in my relationship with my husband. And example from Fascinating Womanhood is suggesting not to do better than your husband in a male-dominated sport as it will harm his pride. Does this mean pretending you aren't as capable as you are? That just seems inauthentic and dishonest if you're giving the impression you did as well as you could when you didn't.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting for a moment that looking to improve yourself or change your behaviour is being inauthentic to yourself, and every other element of the philosophy I've come across so far has seemed spot on.

I'm wondering if anyone else has come up against this, and how you may have managed it. I'm also looking for general guidance in this respect. Can the "white" lies, feigning incompetence and other general inauthenticity not be incorporated in a RPW relationship successfully? Or is this a vital element in achieving success?

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Title	Authenticity in a RPW's Relationship
Author	FancyPants882
Upvotes	18
Comments	41
Date	September 11, 2023 4:18 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/16flmtt/authenticity_in_a_rpws_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/authenticity-in-a-rpws-relationship.1231085 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231085

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