Engaged but feeling some doubts... is this the hamster in action or something else?

synthjw · 2018-08-05T18:57:17+00:00

Would it be fair to rephrase your question as “I love him but never felt the infatuation phase; should I still marry him?”?

Ok_Philosopher · 2018-08-06T07:03:53+00:00

You've been with the guy for SIX YEARS. Of course there won't be butterflies or a feeling of infatuation after this time. After this long it's as if you two have been practically married for most of this time anyway (minus a lot of the benefits, but the emotional stability, probably).

Let me be honest and disclose that I have felt tingles and butterflies and infatuation with other men stronger than I felt with my husband. Should I have married them? God no. I'm editing this in to add that I consider my marriage rock solid, and that I feel like the luckiest girl to land him.

Predictable is not sexy. By its definition it can be boring. But predictability is one of the single most important things for marriage. Because it also means reliable, steady, and consistent. That's the partner you ultimately want for marriage. You want a rock, not someone who makes you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster with the highest of highs and lows.

Eventually, infatuation fades. When it does--and it always does--then staying in love takes work. It takes date nights, making sure to catch up on each other's day, talking about hopes and dreams, planning, and making sure one's own house is in order so as not to project negativity onto one's partner. Love isn't something that just magically sticks around once you say, "I do." Picking the right partner does make it easier, but just as one has to consistently eat right and exercise well to look great, marriage also requires attention. By building enough good habits (which this sub is great for imparting), a good marriage can feel as easy and second-nature as those who get up and run 4 miles a day. They can't imagine their life any other way, even though to outsiders it can look like a lot of hard work and discipline. Both people grow and change, and it's important to do that together rather than apart.

A strong relationship is one in which both people show up. Those couples gushing on social media? So many end in a breakup. The happiest of couples don't feel the need to project it on Instagram.

You have a good head on your shoulders. To be honest, you could break up with this guy and experience all of the "in love" feelings with the next guy you date. You will probably eventually get married to a man who did in fact give you those feelings. It's also probable you will get engaged (don't wait six years, btw) at the 1 1/2 year mark and be all excited because up until the 2-year point, relationships are still exciting. After two years, that excitement turns into that stable predictability discussed, assuming it's a good and healthy relationship.

If you go ahead with this marriage, quit the hamstering. Recognize it for what it is and give this your best shot. Otherwise, get out--it's the fairest thing for this guy.

stoicstephen · 2018-08-05T20:28:05+00:00

You are feeling this way because he wasn't a challenge and never took you on emotional rollercoasters during the relationship (lack of tingles = lack of infatuation = lack of "love").

And now with his proposal (the greatest show of commitment) you feel like you won the "game" (without it being on hard-mode).

And now you are feeling comfortable and secure in the relathionship (lack of excitement = lack of tingles = lack of "love").

The best thing he could do right now would be to apply dread, but that wouldn't work if you knew about it.

Send him over to MRP.

BewareTheOldMan · 2018-08-05T17:58:13+00:00

"I'm not "in love" with him. I'm attracted to him and I LOVE him, but I never had those infatuated feelings or butterflies."

I've seen this play out before and end badly. This only gets worse as time goes on with the wedding, the reality of day-to-day marriage, careers, kids, extended family, vacations, life-memories, major life-events and hardships, etc...

Million dollar question - how are you going to "fake" being in love for the next 50+ years? That's a lot of mental gymnastics in addition to the fact that Mr. Wonderful is exerting max effort while you offer "less" - much less.

So how is this fair to him?

More real-life info...I once knew (very well) a divorced woman with 4 x kids who informed me she never loved her husband in almost a decade and a half of marriage. Notably, (and the last time I spoke with her) she has never been able to remarry despite the fact that her kids are now adults.

Not for nothing, but that's how this normally plays out. You'd have to be extraordinary to be able to "work through" this issue.

Most people can't do it. They're incapable of faking a happy relationship.

CalvinRichland · 2018-08-05T17:31:05+00:00

If you have any doubt of marriage then don't.

Spazzy19 · 2018-08-06T01:07:56+00:00

I got married at age 22 to my ex husband and we were married for 10 years. We joked about how we had a “self arranged marriage” because we loved each other but weren’t IN love with each other. We were on the same page in basically all ways and I knew he was a good man to me. I was still healing from a traumatic break up from my first love (even after 2 yrs of dating my ex husband), and because I was young and dumb I didn’t think about his reasons.

Fast forward a year into marriage and I finally started falling in love with him, but it was never that crazy butterfly feeling. I often wished I could go back and meet him from a healthy place and felt I’d missed my opportunity to experience that process.

Shortly after marriage he started having crushes... he started chasing that passion he felt was missing. I always remained faithful and we worked through an outright affair on his part years ago. Ultimately he asked to divorce because he’d fallen in love with someone who he had those passionate feelings about and didn’t want either of us to “settle.”

I’m now with someone I do feel crazy about... who equally feels crazy about me AND is a good man with similar values. I don’t regret my marriage because I learned a lot, including that I need to have that spark. If there’s never been that spark it’s more difficult than if you just need to spend time rekindling it. My happiness level is SO much higher.

I would recommend reflecting deeply upon what you want... can you truly be happy with a lifetime of what you currently have and be dedicated to your fiancé, or do you need more? It will not be an easy decision if you determine you need more, but that pain will eventually fade as you live life according to what you need.

Shaela90 · 2018-08-05T18:57:16+00:00

I think you should tread lightly on this. I don't know you or your relationship but I can offer my personal experience which hopefully will put yours into perspective.

Some years back I met a guy who pursued me relentlessly for a couple months. At the very beginning I wasn't really interested in him but he turned out to be a really wonderful man. Attentive, nice, takes great care of himself, industrious and ambitious, 6 years older than me, on a great career path in medical academia. And he liked me to bits. I never felt the 'butterflies' for him and was never giddy, but as I listened to my head and everybody around me, I entered a relationship with him. Things were fine for a while and I truly relished in his love.

Then, after almost 2 years together, I was content with the relationship, which was clearly headed for marriage. I was seriously contemplating and planning to move to be with him, as he has a good teaching and research position in another city ...when I met my ex boyfriend, by total accident.

It wasn't planned in any shape or form, he was just a guy I used to play online games with a decade back who had just moved to my city and saw me at a concert, then wanted to say hi. We chatted online for a couple days and decided to meet for a drink. I didn't in a million years expect to fall in love like I did, more so considering that I honestly have never felt that way about anyone. We had insane chemistry, a great deal of shared passions and interests and I was just as drawn to him as he was to me. It's not that my ex was better than my former boyfriend, logically I know that. My ex had hangups the other man didn't have, as he's closer to my age and much more inexperienced.

After the meetup, I had a vacation planned with my then-boyfriend. I flew to see him and ended things gracefully. He was heartbroken and disappointed but after meeting my ex I knew I couldn't and didn't want to be with anyone else. My relationship with my ex eventually succumbed to a multitude of factors, unrelated to what we feel for each other. It was a harsh, but much-needed lesson.

My point, what I learned and what I want you to take from my experience is this: Ask yourself what happens if and when you meet someone you REALLY click with but are married and maybe even have children. Sure, you might say to yourself that might never happen. I did too, at some point. But it did. Again, I am convinced that one of the many factors that led to the breakup with my ex was my guilt and issues stemmed from it, over what happened. Which leads me to the next point. Even if, at some point, you click with someone while in your current relationship, regardless of who you choose eventually, are you sure you won't poison the new (or the old) relationship with guilt/resentment carried over from the choice you made?

Now, looking back, I wish someone would have told me something along the lines of what I've written above when I was struggling to decide whether to enter the relationship with the first guy or not. Personally, I don't care much for children and marriage and never really did. I'd rather be alone for years than with someone who I could hurt and disappoint so badly just for going along with something I am unsure of in the first place. BUT take it all with the grain of salt, since your motivations and desires might be much different from mine.

BePrivateGirl · 2018-08-05T18:41:11+00:00

How do you feel when you have sex? Do you crave him? Can’t wait to please him? When he kisses you, do you respond physically?

What color butterfly’s are you looking for?

Does your mind wander? Is there another man that you find yourself thinking about even though you don’t mean to?

LooksSafeFromFarAway · 2018-08-06T01:28:37+00:00

No judgement, and I don't want to come off as lecturing so please read with that in mind; but not "in love" and minus tingles is a big red flag to me. If you go foward you better know yourself down to your bones and even then marriage will still surprise you. Ask yourself if you're settling, or proceeding because of how much time you've already put into this man.

On the topic of knowing yourself, can you stay happy, actually truly happy, with someone you aren't crazy about very long term? Or will it eventually make you bitter? What if it does make you bitter, will you go, or will you get into a potentially years-long contempt spiral with him and possibly kids in the mix?

Are you excited to have kids in an abstract "I always wanted to be a mom" way, or do you want to have his kids? This is huge. I had no real interest in my own kids until I met my husband, I wanted to see what kind of feral, interesting kids we'd make. And they were feral in the best ways, but also required a TON of hands on, present parenting. Kids add a whole new level of challenges and joys to parents as people, and the marriage itself. Look at the marriage and deadbedroom subreddits for yourself and see how many people drifted apart after kids as if on cue. Some of them were in love and had tingles to begin with too.

Are you prepared to cut off a class, job, or hobby the very moment hypergamy strikes to preserve this potential marriage? Can you keep the reason why a secret, happily, to your grave? Your husband will not like hearing that you cut off anything so abruptly because you got the sudden tingles for another man, even if you don't act on it. The fallout could be terrible and lastint. On you as well, if you choke on that secret you could get the "what ifs" and not even realize you resent your spouse or life until you're already doing it.

People often talk about love like it's the end all be all of a marriage. Personally, that's there but it's not the Disney version. It's tingles that keeps you from caring what other people have or what a random attraction could offer. It's what keeps you actively interested and invested in your spouse. For sure it's what keeps you banging like you just met; and not hating all the effort that goes into not turning into jabba-the-wife. Or jabba-the-husband for that matter. I bet a lot of guys let themselves go because it doesn't take much to flop around on a starfish twice a month. Love gives you the thick skinned ability to forgive a lot of otherwise hurtful shit; but tingles is what gives you the ability to parry a harsh comment or action and respond with either playful conversation or disgusting deviant sex. Don't underestimate it for the long run, and marriage is the longest run.

yikezzz77 · 2018-08-05T17:23:52+00:00

I stopped reading after the second paragraph. If you're not in love, I suggest you call it off. You say you're not in love with him but then you say you do. You either truly love someone or you don't. You can't get married to someone you kind of love or somewhat love and expect it to work. Don't waste your time, and don't waste his. To me, cold feet is different from being apprehensive marrying someone you don't really love to begin with

JJ3314 · 2018-08-06T22:12:56+00:00

I have a hard time believing feelings of infatuation last a lifetime, even when they were present at the beginning of the relationship. Likewise, I don’t think that they are necessary as long as the other elements are in place (some of the things you mentioned like compatible life goals, perspectives on life). I think there are 2 major caveats, however:

(1) You have to find that person attractive. I don’t think necessarily the most attractive person in the world, but unequivocally attractive. This is someone who you should feel comfortable with the idea of sleeping with several times a month for many years (barring hopefully no more than temporary extenuating circumstances) (2) You have to be psychologically mature enough to tolerate that this person wasn’t an object of infatuation, and not hold it against them later on.

If you decide to go through with the marriage, you also should preferably avoid close associations with other men. You don’t want to find yourself developing feelings of infatuation for another man, which can be possible, even if the man you marry is good enough. Even if you were infatuated with him at the outset of your relationship, that wouldn’t preclude the possibility of becoming infatuated with another man down the line.

I think the idea that a person can find a special someone, who is so charming that they will develop lifelong feelings of infatuation that render them incapable of feeling attraction towards anyone else is fairy tale nonsense. I strongly suspect people who claim otherwise are either (1) early on in their relationship/marriage (still in the honeymoon phase) or (2) extreme outliers. I really don’t think this is how most marriages, even good marriages, work.

CleburnCO · 2018-08-08T05:55:42+00:00

When there is doubt, there is no doubt.

organicsunshine · 2018-08-06T00:49:26+00:00

He was the first person I had sex with (sorry if TMI).

How many other guys have you had sex with?

civilizedfrog · 2018-08-13T06:08:36+00:00

Try doing "Clive and Juliana" roleplay and ask him to seduce you.

Title	Engaged but feeling some doubts... is this the hamster in action or something else?
Author	yikezzz77
Upvotes	24
Comments	45
Date	August 5, 2018 5:22 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/94thcn/engaged_but_feeling_some_doubts_is_this_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/engaged-but-feeling-some-doubts-is-this-the.74994 https://theredarchive.com/post/74994

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